Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
a new play about phone sex, sex clubs, and personal ads
by RONNIE LARSEN
(Chicago/ Los Angeles Version)
Director's Notes: All the scenes should be played very
naturally, no cartoon characters. The play works best when
the actors really talk to each other. The action should be
seamless with one scene dovetailing into the next. Actors
should enter just before the previous scene has ended.
· Prologue Pg. 04
· Scene 01 Isaac And His Sex Addiction Pg. 04
· Scene 02 Richard And Steve Pg. 08
· Scene 03 Isaac Visits Michael Pg. 09
· Scene 04 Bill's Call To The B.A.R. Pg. 09
· Scene 05 Steve Describes Himself To Michael Pg. 09
· Scene 06 Chris And Isaac Fight Pg. 11
· Scene 07 Bill Back On The Line With The B.A.R. Pg. 13
· Scene 08 Isaac And Steve Talk About Parents, Richard Come
· Scene 09 Steve Discusses Richard Pg. 19
· Scene 10 Richard Outside The Gym Pg. 20
· Scene 11 Gene's First Drag Number Pg. 21
· Scene 12 Party Line Pg. 21
· Scene 13 Gene's Second Drag Number Pg. 25
· Scene 14 Richard Calls The Pharmacy Pg. 25
· Scene 15 Shadowlands Monologue Pg. 27
· Scene 16 Bill's Letter To The Editor Pg. 27
· Scene 17 Steve And Richard Discuss The Letter Pg. 27
· Scene 18 Chris Tell Isaac He Called The Sex Line Pg. 28
· Scene 19 Bulletin Listings Pg. 31
· Scene 20 Chris And John In Booth Pg. 32
· Scene 21 Allen Gives Isaac AIDS Test Pg. 34
· Scene 22 Richard Calls The AIDS Hotline Pg. 35
· Scene 23 Chris And John Outside Pg. 36
· Scene 24 Getting Dressed Pg. 38
· Scene 25 Cruising At The Sex Club Pg. 39
· Scene 26 Blow Buddies Pg. 40
· Scene 27 Bulletin Board Reprise Pg. 42
· Scene 28 Gene And Isaac And The Blindfolds Pg. 42
· Scene 29 Getting Into Blow Buddies Pg. 45
· Scene 30 Isaac Visits Chris Pg. 48
· Scene 31 Gene Pg. 49
· Scene 32 Steve And Isaac Discuss Relationships Pg. 49
· Scene 33 Gene Pg. 53
· Scene 34 Richard And Isaac Have Arcola Discussion Pg. 53
· Scene 35 Gene's Third Drag Number Pg. 55
· Scene 36 John, Allen And Bill Pg. 55
· Scene 37 Gene Pg. 58
· Scene 38 Chris And Isaac Meet At The Opera Pg. 58
(When the audience enters,
the stage is bathed in
Two blocks are CS, house
lights are up and old
Broadway love songs are
playing. At the start of
show, house lights fade
and we hear the following
message. As each number
is mentioned, a different
guy comes out and stands
frozen in a line across
the stage. As each one
speaks, he should come to
life and then freeze when
Hi, you've reached the hot
and nasty line. Press 1
to hear messages for
tops. (Bill enters.)
Press 2 to hear messages
for bottoms. (Isaac
enters.) 3 for bears and
big men. (Allen enters.)
4 for bisexuals. (Steve
enters.) 5 for jocks and
enters.) 6 for oral
enters.) 7 for raunch,
kink and fetish. (John
enters.) 8 for the
unusual. (Gene enters in
drag.) 9 for none of the
above. You will have ten
seconds to make your
choice. (Lights up.)
ISAAC Well, I'm 5'9" brown hair,
brown eyes, 150 pounds, smooth
body, a swimmer's build, and I have
about a 7 inch cock.
JOHN Yeah, I'm about 5'11" I have blonde hair, blue eyes,
and a mustache. I weigh about 155 to 160 pounds. Sort of a
swimmer's build and hung about 8 inches.
MIKE Well I'm, 160 and I have a really smooth body. Kind of
a swimmer's build and I have a good tan and my hair is curly
and I'm, um, well I think I'm pretty handsome.
BILL I've been told I'm very good looking. I've never had
any complaints. I don't think you'll be disappointed. I
mean if you are, fine. I mean, I'm not a body builder or
anything but I consider myself to be very attractive. I run
a lot. I have a runner's build.
RICH I have a swimmer's build. I'm 150, brown hair, brown
eyes. I'm 5'9" and I'm about 8 inches.
GENE I work out occasionally. I'm very in shape. Pretty
masculine. I'm 5'11" and I'm pretty versatile although I
prefer being a bottom. I like very long sessions.
ALLEN I'm definitely into leather but if you're not that's
ok. I'm 6'1" very in shape. I have an eight inch dick, very
thick with low hanging balls. I'm very masculine and you
should be too.
STEVE I'm 5'10" and weigh about 150. I have brown hair and
blue eyes. I've got some body hair and I have a 6, uh, 8
inch cock. (Lights change. All exit, except for Isaac, who
moves to DC, and Richard and Steve who sit on blocks at CS
and freeze, Richard SR and Steve SL.)
Scene 1 Isaac And His Sex Addiction
ISAAC I lived in New York for two years and I was very
promiscuous. Well, a close friend was kind enough to inform
me that I was "sexually compulsive" and talked me into going
to an S.A. meeting. Sexaholics Anonymous. My friend said he
had achieved sexual sobriety and serenity and that I could
So I went, and no kidding, half of New York was there. I
kept looking for around for Mayor Koch. So we start off by
standing in a circle holding hands and we recite the S.A.
prayer about God granting us the ability to let go of our
need to suck cock. Something like that, I don't know. And
of course I end up holding the hand of the most gorgeous guy
I'd ever seen. (Guy appears in a spotlight.) Kind of like
him, but not him. (Guy exits.) Well, I start getting a
raging hard-on and I have to kind of push my butt back like
this so no one will notice. And then we sat down which I was
grateful for, and everyone starts talking about their sexual
activities. Which I loved, because usually I have to pay two
dollars a minute to hear this kind of talk and here I was
getting it for free.
Well, the first guy says "I was on my tenth day of sexual
sobriety but then I slipped and I went to Riverside Park to
get a blow job." And of course I'm going Riverside Park,
Riverside Park. Where is that again? And another guy says
"I was sucking dick in Macy's bathroom and it left me feeling
so empty." But he didn't say which floor the bathroom was on
which really pissed me off.
So finally the meeting ended and I ran. To Riverside Park.
And I swear within a half hour the bushes were filled. With
men from the meeting.
I was so grateful to my friend for telling me about this
group and I couldn't wait for next week to find out about
more cruising spots. But after about a month of going, I
started to think that maybe I did have a problem. Maybe I
was a sex addict. Doesn't that sound awful? Sex addict.
Well, six months later I moved to Fresno, California to
finish a degree. Don't ask. And I vowed that my anonymous
sex days were over. No more parks. No more porno theaters.
No more sex clubs. And I was serious. I really thought it
was behind me.
So it's my first day in Fresno and I wake up at 8 AM on a
Sunday morning with nothing to do. So I decided to pay a
little visit to the Fresno Zoo in Roeding Park. Is sounded
wholesome enough. So I get there around 9:30 and there were
like twenty cars circling the park. And I think "My, what a
popular zoo. I wonder why no one is parking. And I wonder
why these men didn't bring their families." And all of a
sudden, eureka, there I was like Christopher Columbus
discovering the New World.
I've heard that salmon return to the same place each year to
spawn. And that they have no trouble finding the right
place. I love that don't you? It's like they have to go.
They have to spawn. They don't go to meetings to talk
through their addiction to spawning. They just do it. It's
their nature and they accept it. My little poodle Michael,
spends half his day humping everything in the house and he's
so happy. He's so satisfied. And when my friends come over
they say "How cute, how sweet." No one ever says "Get that
dog in a twelve step program. That dog is a sex addict.
That dog needs to find sexual serenity." If the dog wants to
fuck, it fucks. I like that. (Lights change, Isaac exits R,
Richard and Steve unfreeze.)
Scene 2 Richard and Steve
RICH Don't you think John Bobbitt is so sexy?
RICH There's something so masculine about him.
STEVE You mean straight acting?
RICH Kind of.
STEVE That is the stupidest phrase in the gay dictionary.
RICH I'd like to suck his dick.
STEVE Please honey.
RICH I would. I'd like to see how it works now.
STEVE It doesn't work.
RICH It will eventually.
STEVE Oh, honey.
RICH I get very excited when I see him.
RICH I do. It's the same with the Menendez brothers.
STEVE Now they're cute.
RICH They are.
STEVE They actually are.
RICH I love when they talk about doing it with their father.
STEVE Don't say that.
RICH I'm being honest.
STEVE Well don't be.
RICH I'm just being honest.
STEVE Actually, Erik is really cute.
RICH I like Lyle more.
STEVE With or without the toupee?
RICH I don't care.
STEVE You have a thing for men with detachable parts.
RICH Oh my God. You're right. How funny. Actually just
STEVE Didn't you date a guy who used to vacuum pump his
RICH Oh don't remind me.
STEVE Didn't he used to howl or something?
RICH Don't, don't.
STEVE What happened to him?
RICH He's probably pumping his dick as we speak.
STEVE You go to the wrong bars.
RICH That's for sure.
STEVE Didn't it hurt?
RICH I only did it once.
STEVE Did it hurt?
RICH Well, yeah because he make me keep it on for 15 minutes.
And he kept telling me how big my dick would be when I took
it off. But it was scary because my dick was turning blue.
STEVE I saw a guy at Blow Buddies once who had one on.
RICH Was his dick blue?
STEVE No, and it was sad, because he was in the corner all
alone with this big plastic tube around his dick and every
once and a while someone would go by and touch it and then
RICH Yeah, but was his dick blue?
STEVE You know the lighting in Blow Buddies.
RICH Because my dick turned totally blue.
STEVE He just looked like something from outer space.
RICH Well most of the men there do.
STEVE That's not true.
RICH The ones I end up with anyway.
STEVE Oh you poor thing.
RICH I hate men.
STEVE Me too.
RICH Me too.
STEVE Let's start dating women.
RICH Umm... no. (Doorbell rings. Lights change. Richard
exits SR and Steve exits SL with blocks.)
Scene 3 Isaac Visits Michael
(Michael enters from SL, Isaac from SR and stands behind
door. Michael adjusts his sweater, another doorbell and
Michael answers door. Scene is played directly in front of
MIKE Umm. Hi, come in.
MIKE Uh, you got here fast.
ISAAC Well, you know.
MIKE Yeah. Do you want something to drink?
ISAAC No, I'm fine.
MIKE You're sure?
MIKE I have Coke, Diet Coke, beer...
ISAAC No. I'm totally fine.
ISAAC No, really. I'm fine.
ISAAC I'm just really horny.
MIKE You know umm, you don't really look like how you
described yourself on the phone.
ISAAC I don't?
ISAAC What did I say?
MIKE You said you were 150. (Weight can change depending on
the actors but there should always be a 10 pound difference.)
MIKE You're not 150.
ISAAC I'm not?
ISAAC Oh, I thought I was.
MIKE You're at least 170.
MIKE At least.
ISAAC Well. I'm sorry.
MIKE I'm 170.
MIKE And I just like guys who are smaller.
ISAAC Smaller than me?
ISAAC Oh, sorry.
MIKE Oh, it's Ok, it's just...
ISAAC You don't want to do it?
MIKE Uh... no.
ISAAC Oh. (They stand staring at each other. Lights
change, Mike exits SR, Isaac SL.)
Scene 4 Bill's Call To The B.A.R.
BILL (DL ON PHONE.) LISTEN, I'VE BEEN ON HOLD HERE FOR 15
MINUTES AND BEFORE THAT I GOT CUT OFF. THIS IS THE SECOND
TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. I DROPPED OFF MY AD IN PERSON LAST
FRIDAY BEFORE THE NOON DEADLINE AND I PICKED UP THE PAPER
TODAY AND IT'S NOT IN THERE. THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THIS
HAPPENED. I'M SURE THE CHECK WILL MANAGE TO GO THROUGH MY
ACCOUNT BUT WHERE THE HELL IS THE AD? YEAH, IT'S BILL
BERKOWITZ. IT SAID "THICK DAD DICK FOR EAGER YOUNG SON."
AND THEN IT HAD MY PHONE NUMBER. THICK DAD DICK. NO I MADE
IT INTO ONE WORD. T-H-I-K-D-A-D-I-K. THIKDADIK, LIKE
DIDACTIC. I DON'T WANT TO HOLD AGAIN, I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER
15 MINUTES. WAIT. GODDAMNIT. (HE IS PUT ON HOLD AGAIN.
BILL EXITS US AND STANDS BEHIND DOOR. LIGHTS CHANGE. STEVE
ENTERS FROM L, MIKE FROM R. BOTH HAVE PHONES.)
Scene 5 Steve Describes Himself To Michael
MIKE So tell me again. You're 150?
STEVE Uh huh.
MIKE Brown hair?
MIKE Is it really brown or brownish blonde?
STEVE Well, maybe brownish blonde. Sandy, I guess.
MIKE Does it have yellow streaks or white streaks?
STEVE No, it's all one color.
MIKE And it's short you said?
STEVE Uh huh.
MIKE And you don't have any facial hair?
STEVE No. None.
MIKE But like stubble or not?
STEVE No, very clean shaven.
MIKE And you said your chest hair is just around your belly
STEVE Yeah, like a little trail.
MIKE But do you have little hairs on your chest or are you
STEVE Well, I don't shave my chest.
MIKE But you're smooth, right?
STEVE Yeah, I'm smooth.
MIKE And you like getting your cock sucked?
STEVE I love it.
MIKE How do you like it?
STEVE How do you mean?
MIKE Do you like it standing up or sitting down?
MIKE Does it have a big head?
STEVE Pretty big.
MIKE And you said you're 8 inches?
STEVE Uh huh.
MIKE How thick again?
STEVE I think like, uh, my hand fits nicely around it.
(Disgusted with Mike, Steve hangs up and exits SL. His light
MIKE But can you get your finger all the way around it or not
quite? Hello? Hello? (Isaac and Chris enter from SL.)
Helloooo? (Mike exits SR. Lights change.)
Scene 6 Chris And Isaac Fight
CHRIS (They play CS. Chris is holding a phone bill.) It
CHRIS It just does.
ISAAC You're being completely irrational.
CHRIS If we're dating and we're close and we're monogamous
and I'm all you ever wanted in the world and blah blah blah,
then why the hell do you have 600 dollar phone bills?
ISAAC Why do you look at pornos?
CHRIS That's completely different.
ISAAC It's not.
CHRIS It is.
ISAAC No, it's not. It's the same thing.
CHRIS Isaac, please. You're the one who said you wanted to
get together because you were tired of being alone, and you
were afraid of AIDS, and you wanted to settle down because
you were sick of going home with strangers, sick of sex
ISAAC But not sick of phone sex.
ISAAC Don't you masturbate when I'm not around?
ISAAC Well, there you go.
CHRIS I always think of you.
ISAAC No you don't.
CHRIS How do you know?
ISAAC You're lying.
CHRIS I'm not. I always think of you.
CHRIS I'm sorry. You turn me on. What can I do about it?
ISAAC You turn me on too.
CHRIS I don't. Do I?
ISAAC Yes you do.
CHRIS We haven't had sex in 3 weeks. I feel really ugly.
ISAAC You're better looking than me.
CHRIS Well when I see your phone bills I feel very unwanted
ISAAC That's your problem.
CHRIS Thank you Oprah.
ISAAC It has nothing to do with me.
CHRIS It has everything to do with you. We're supposed to
be in a committed relationship.
ISAAC I am committed to you.
CHRIS (Reading the phone bill.) And to some guy in
Florida, and some guy in Utah, and some guy in Indiana, and
some guy in Burbank, and some guy... Should I go on?
ISAAC I don't care.
CHRIS Obviously not. You know you could at least hide the
bills when I come over.
ISAAC You don't have to look at them.
CHRIS And you don't have to make the calls.
ISAAC And you don't have to come over. This is exactly why
I don't want to move in with you. You are not my fucking
mother. You don't fucking own me. Sometimes I feel totally
suffocated in this thing. If you want to hide things from
me, go ahead, but that's not how I work. I shouldn't have to
hide things from you. If I want to call Jeff in Indiana,
I'll call Jeff in Indiana whether you like it or not. I
don't do this to hurt you, it's something I do for fun. I
like having phone sex. I like it. So what? It's the safest
form of sex. I don't have to get emotionally involved. I
don't have to worry about what I'm wearing. And the best
part of it is, that I never end up fighting with them after
we've spent a fabulous 10 minutes together. Which is more
than I can say for this relationship.
CHRIS I don't want to talk about this anymore.
ISAAC You brought it up.
CHRIS Well, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
ISAAC Fine. We won't.
CHRIS Fine. (Bill enters from behind door and moves DR ,
Chris exits SR, Isaac exits SL. Lights change.)
Scene 7 Bill Back On The Line With The B.A.R.
BILL T-H-I-K-D-A-D-I-K Goddamnit. Can I just talk to one
person who handles the personals? I talked to her and she
gave me to you. No, it's a simple three line ad.
Yeah, that's right, Bill Berkowitz. Yes, the second time.
The Bay Times has never lost my ad in two years. This is
twice in six months. I mean,
this is crazy. Fine, I'll hold. (Lights change. During the
previous monologue, Isaac and Steve enter with blocks and a
sheet, and set up next scene SL.)
Scene 8 Isaac And Steve Talk About Parents, Richard Comes
ISAAC (Isaac is shirtless, and getting massage from Steve.)
Now bear in mind, I've never met the woman in person. I've
just talked to her on the phone.
STEVE And you're adopted parents are ok with it?
ISAAC Oh, God. They don't care.
STEVE That's good.
ISAAC So she calls my roommate.
ISAAC Yeah. And she asks Denise about me, and then at some
point she says "Is Isaac gay?" And of course, Denise who
STEVE Any inhibitions.
ISAAC Thank you.
STEVE Well, she is a lesbian.
ISAAC Denise says yes.
STEVE Oh my God.
ISAAC And get this, she screams out...
STEVE Who screams out?
ISAAC My new mother. She screams out "I'm so happy. I've
always wanted a gay son. Gay men are so wonderful. All my
friends are gay. Oh, this is perfect."
STEVE You're kidding.
ISAAC I'm dead serious.
STEVE She sounds looney.
ISAAC No, she's really interesting. She's young too, she's
STEVE So, she had you when she was about what, ten?
STEVE Fourteen. God, that sounds young.
ISAAC That's why she gave me up. And she said she's been
looking for me ever since.
STEVE When are you going to meet her?
ISAAC She's coming out the same week we're opening the
STEVE Oh. How's that going?
ISAAC It sucks. I don't what to talk about it. The
director is a total idiot so I don't know when I'm gonna be
able to see her.
STEVE What if you hate her?
ISAAC Why would I hate her, she sounds completely
STEVE Well you know you meet someone and it's wonderful and
then it's not.
ISAAC Could you be talking about Chris?
ISAAC Yeah, that's turning out to be totally ridiculous.
STEVE I warned you. For God's sake you met at a production
ISAAC It was his third time.
STEVE That should have been your first clue.
ISAAC How do you sit through Salome three times?
STEVE He's so obsessive.
ISAAC God, I hate opera.
STEVE So, is it over?
ISAAC I don't want to talk about it. Last time I saw him
we spent an hour arguing over my phone sex bills.
STEVE Tell him to fuck off.
ISAAC Don't tempt me.
STEVE He's too controlling.
ISAAC I know.
STEVE I mean, how many mothers do you need?
ISAAC You know what's so funny is that when I called her
for the first time...
STEVE Who, Chris?
ISAAC Shut up.
STEVE Just kidding.
ISAAC She says that when I called her for the first time
she knew right away that I was gay.
STEVE What, did you have Barbra Streisand playing in the
ISAAC From my voice. She knew from my voice.
STEVE (IN MOCK GAY TONE.) SHE KNEW FROM YOUR VOITH.
(MASSAGE IS OVER. STEVE STANDS SR, ISAAC SITS UP ON BLOCKS.)
ISAAC Do I sound like that?
STEVE No, of course not.
ISAAC Do I sound gay?
ISAAC How do I sound?
STEVE Like Isaac.
ISAAC Is that good or bad?
STEVE You sound fine.
ISAAC Now I'm listening to myself talk.
STEVE Of course you are, you're an actor. (Steve moves to
L of blocks, hands Isaac his shirt which he puts on.)
ISAAC Oh God. I hate actors and I hate directors and I
hate playwrights and I hate theater critics.
STEVE But you love the theater.
ISAAC Can you believe that a gay paper in San Francisco
would say my acting was too fruity and faggy?
STEVE Why do you read the reviews?
ISAAC Because I'm an actor.
STEVE And you say you're not into S and M?
ISAAC I'll tell you what's masochistic is that I'm meeting
my birth mother and opening a play in the same week.
STEVE And somewhere in all that you have to dump Chris.
ISAAC Steve. (Silence.) You know the irony is, is that
after 20 seconds on the phone with my new mother she knows
I'm gay and loves it, and after 25 years with my real parents
they're convinced I'm straight.
STEVE That's why they're your real parents.
ISAAC Actually they know. (Isaac goes off and gets two
Diet Cokes and brings them back on for both of them. Steve
sits on blocks, Isaac stands L.)
STEVE Of course they know.
ISAAC Well my mom knows for sure. My dad is still hoping.
I think he thinks Denise and I might get married.
ISAAC Actually, he should be relieved. My two straight
sisters are totally fucked up.
STEVE Isn't one in drug rehab?
ISAAC And the other one just had a baby out of wedlock and
my brother used to sell drugs.
STEVE It's that good Mormon upbringing.
ISAAC Did I ever tell you about the Bishop who I told I was
ISAAC He gave me a book on how to be straight, and one of
the things it said is that I should play sports and get
involved in masculine activities like football. I am so
tempted to write him a letter. Dear asshole, thank you for
the advice. I've recently joined the gay softball league and
I already find myself changing.
P.S., I met a wonderful guy named Roger who plays first base
and gives wonderful head. Just another success story for
your files. Love, Isaac. (They laugh.)
STEVE Actually, when I was young I went to the gym with my
father, and we had gotten out of the showers and were drying
off, and I could not stop staring at all the naked men. I
just stood there with my mouth hanging open and my dad said
"Let's go." And I just stood there lost in space, and he
said "Steve? Steve? Steve let's go." I was so embarrassed
but I was so transfixed.
ISAAC How old were you?
STEVE Two. (They both laugh.) I don't know, 8 or 9. I
think that's when I first learned the word discreet.
ISAAC I remember one time I was in the living room watching
T.V. and there was something on about gays, and I remember my
dad saying "That's sick, those people are sick." And I
remember feeling so scared. It was like he was telling me
don't even think about it. In fact, when I graduated high
school I wanted to move here and go to school and he said
"No. You can go anywhere but not San Francisco."
STEVE So he sent you to New York? (Richard enters and goes
ISAAC Go figure. (Doorbell rings and Isaac answers the
BOTH Finally. (Lights change as Richard enters. Richard
moves to CS, Isaac goes to DR.)
RICH I'm really sorry I'm late. I'm so sorry. There was a
really hot guy in the sauna. He kept cruising me, but he
wouldn't leave the sauna. What's a girl to do?
ISAAC We've both been waiting.
RICH I know, I know. I'm sorry.
BOTH I'll never be late again.
RICH I promise.
STEVE Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RICH Isaac, do you have any more Diet Coke?
ISAAC Sorry, these were the last two.
RICH Oh my God. You guys are so fucking thoughtless. You
knew I was coming over. Let's go. I have to get some Diet
Coke. Come on let's go.
STEVE It's too late.
RICH No, it's not.
STEVE It's too late.
RICH You guys are total wimps.
ISAAC So what happened?
ISAAC In the sauna.
RICH Well I kept waiting and finally I just gave up. Fuck
him, right? Though he was totally hot. I mean hot. Total
blue collar. Just the way I like 'em. Kind of rough around
the edges, kind of intense. The kind that will hold your
head down and make you gag.
STEVE Richard, my God!
RICH So I'm getting dressed and he comes up to me in his
towel and says "Wait for me outside." In this quiet,
intense, hushed voice like a Russian spy or something, "Wait
for me outside." And I was already late so I thought what's
another ten minutes? You guys would have done the same
STEVE Not me. I don't cruise the sauna.
RICH Everyone cruises the sauna.
STEVE Not me.
RICH Everyone. Anyway, so I'm waiting for him outside and
when he finally comes out 20 minutes later he's a totally
different person. Everything matches. The hair is perfect,
he's wearing some cheesy cologne, a beautiful little watch,
oh so cute and tasteful. And he comes running up to me and
in this nelli-ass voice he says "Hi, thanks for waiting."
And of course I'm thinking to myself that is so not blue
ISAAC How many times do I have to tell you that straight
men do not go to the YMCA.+++
RICH I know, I always forget.
ISAAC Wishful thinking?
RICH He looked perfect. Why did he have to get dressed and
STEVE So what did you do?
RICH I gave him a wrong number.
STEVE That is so mean.
RICH Everyone does that.
ISAAC Justify, Richard, justify.
ISAAC You're like those guys on the phone line who say
they're gonna come over but never show up.
RICH Yeah, because you describe yourself first and then you
make the date, and by then it's too late to go back and say
"Ok I'll come over but this is what I really look like." I
mean come on. You don't want them to know you lied.
ISAAC So if you say you'll show up and you don't they'll
never think you're a liar?
RICH Oh you guys are so perfect.
ISAAC I'm just saying...
RICH The gay boy scouts, always honest. Are we going?
ISAAC What time is it?
STEVE It's almost seven.
RICH What time is it exactly?
STEVE It is... 6:47.
RICH Oh my God. I was in the sauna for an hour.
STEVE Didn't you work out?
RICH No I just cruised the sauna. (Pause.) And the showers
and the steam room.
ISAAC Aren't you tired?
RICH No. I'm ready to go.
ISAAC Let me turn on the answering machine. (Isaac exits
STEVE I guess we're going then?
ISAAC (From off stage.) I guess.
RICH Don't worry. You'll have fun sweetpea.
STEVE You're so bad.
RICH Isaac, are you sure you don't have any Diet Coke?
ISAAC (From off stage.) What?
RICH Are you sure you don't have any Diet Coke?
ISAAC (From off stage.) I'm sure.
RICH You're not hiding it, are you?
ISAAC (From off stage.) What?
RICH Are you hiding it?
ISAAC (From off stage.) What?
RICH Are - you - hiding - the - Diet - Coke? (No response.)
Goddamnit. (He exits L, lights change and Steve, alone, does
the monologue, CS.)
Scene 9 Steve Discusses Richard
STEVE The first time I met Richard we were at a party. And
the whole time I was talking to him he was craning his neck
and looking at all the other people. I had to keep repeating
myself and I thought what a jerk. Why is this guy standing
here when he so clearly wants to be on the other side of the
room? I mean, I don't think he looked at me in the eye for
more than two seconds at a time. Well, the next day he calls
me up and says "It was great talking to you last night. I
felt like we really connected." And all I could say was "Uh
huh, yeah me too." (Steve exits L, taking sheet as he goes.
Lights change. This scene is played DR. Richard enters
first. He is alone for a beat and we see him waiting for his
hot stud. Then Mike enters from L.)
Scene 10 Richard Outside The Gym
MIKE Hi. Thanks for waiting.
RICH No problem.
MIKE So what are you doing tonight?
RICH Um, actually I'm supposed to meet friends.
RICH An hour ago.
RICH Yeah. So I really need to go.
MIKE Well, can I call you?
MIKE Well can I get your number?
RICH Oh, yeah sure. Do you have a pen?
MIKE Hold on. (Mike brings out complicated address book.)
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.