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               a new play about phone sex, sex clubs, and personal ads

               by RONNIE LARSEN

               (Chicago/ Los Angeles Version)

               Director's Notes:  All the scenes should be played very
               naturally, no cartoon characters.  The play works best when
               the actors really talk to each other.  The action should be
               seamless with one scene dovetailing into the next.  Actors
               should enter just before the previous scene has ended.

               Scene Breakdown

                Prologue	Pg. 04

                Scene 01  Isaac And His Sex Addiction	Pg. 04

                Scene 02  Richard And Steve	Pg. 08

                Scene 03  Isaac Visits Michael	Pg. 09

                Scene 04  Bill's Call To The B.A.R.	Pg. 09

                Scene 05  Steve Describes Himself To Michael	Pg. 09

                Scene 06  Chris And Isaac Fight	Pg. 11

                Scene 07  Bill Back On The Line With The B.A.R.	Pg. 13

                Scene 08  Isaac And Steve Talk About Parents, Richard Come
               	Pg. 13

                Scene 09  Steve Discusses Richard	Pg. 19

                Scene 10  Richard Outside The Gym	Pg. 20

                Scene 11  Gene's First Drag Number	Pg. 21

                Scene 12  Party Line	Pg. 21

                Scene 13  Gene's Second Drag Number	Pg. 25

                Scene 14  Richard Calls The Pharmacy	Pg. 25

                Scene 15  Shadowlands Monologue	Pg. 27

                Scene 16  Bill's Letter To The Editor	Pg. 27

                Scene 17  Steve And Richard Discuss The Letter	Pg. 27

                Scene 18  Chris Tell Isaac He Called The Sex Line	Pg. 28

                Scene 19  Bulletin Listings	Pg. 31

                Scene 20  Chris And John In Booth	Pg. 32

                Scene 21  Allen Gives Isaac AIDS Test	Pg. 34

                Scene 22  Richard Calls The AIDS Hotline	Pg. 35

                Scene 23  Chris And John Outside	Pg. 36

                Scene 24  Getting Dressed	Pg. 38

                Scene 25  Cruising At The Sex Club	Pg. 39

                Scene 26  Blow Buddies	Pg. 40

                Scene 27  Bulletin Board Reprise	Pg. 42

                Scene 28  Gene And Isaac And The Blindfolds	Pg. 42

                Scene 29  Getting Into Blow Buddies	Pg. 45

                Scene 30  Isaac Visits Chris	Pg. 48

                Scene 31  Gene	Pg. 49

                Scene 32  Steve And Isaac Discuss Relationships	Pg. 49

                Scene 33  Gene	Pg. 53

                Scene 34  Richard And Isaac Have Arcola Discussion	Pg. 53

                Scene 35  Gene's Third Drag Number	Pg. 55

                Scene 36  John, Allen And Bill	Pg. 55

                Scene 37  Gene	Pg. 58

                Scene 38  Chris And Isaac Meet At The Opera	Pg. 58

                             (When the audience enters,
                              the stage is bathed in
                              red light. 
                              Two blocks are CS, house
                              lights are up and old
                              Broadway love songs are
                              playing.  At the start of
                              show, house lights fade
                              and we hear the following
                              message.  As each number
                              is mentioned, a different
                              guy comes out and stands
                              frozen in a line across
                              the stage.  As each one
                              speaks, he should come to
                              life and then freeze when
                              finished speaking.)
                             Hi, you've reached the hot
                              and nasty line.  Press 1
                              to hear messages for
                              tops.  (Bill enters.) 
                              Press 2 to hear messages
                              for bottoms.  (Isaac
                              enters.)  3 for bears and
                              big men.  (Allen enters.) 
                              4 for bisexuals.  (Steve
                              enters.)  5 for jocks and
                              bodybuilders.  (Richard
                              enters.)  6 for oral
                              obsession.  (Mike
                              enters.)  7 for raunch,
                              kink and fetish.  (John
                              enters.)  8 for the
                              unusual.  (Gene enters in
                              drag.)  9 for none of the
                              above.  You will have ten
                              seconds to make your
                              choice.  (Lights up.)
                         ISAAC	Well, I'm 5'9" brown hair,
                         brown eyes, 150 pounds, smooth
                         body, a swimmer's build, and I have
                         about a 7 inch cock.

               JOHN	Yeah, I'm about 5'11"  I have blonde hair, blue eyes,
               and a mustache.  I weigh about 155 to 160 pounds.  Sort of a
               swimmer's build and hung about 8 inches.

               MIKE	Well I'm, 160 and I have a really smooth body.  Kind of
               a swimmer's build and I have a good tan and my hair is curly
               and I'm, um, well I think I'm pretty handsome.

               BILL	I've been told I'm very good looking.  I've never had
               any complaints.  I don't think you'll be disappointed.  I
               mean if you are, fine.  I mean, I'm not a body builder or
               anything but I consider myself to be very attractive.  I run
               a lot.  I have a runner's build.

               RICH	I have a swimmer's build.  I'm 150, brown hair, brown
               eyes.  I'm 5'9" and I'm about 8 inches.

               GENE	I work out occasionally.  I'm very in shape.  Pretty
               masculine.  I'm 5'11" and I'm pretty versatile although I
               prefer being a bottom.  I like very long sessions.

               ALLEN	I'm definitely into leather but if you're not that's
               ok.  I'm 6'1" very in shape.  I have an eight inch dick, very
               thick with low hanging balls.  I'm very masculine and you
               should be too.

               STEVE	I'm 5'10" and weigh about 150.  I have brown hair and
               blue eyes.  I've got some body hair and I have a 6, uh, 8
               inch cock.  (Lights change.  All exit, except for Isaac, who
               moves to DC, and Richard and Steve who sit on blocks at CS
               and freeze, Richard SR and Steve SL.)

               Scene 1  Isaac And His Sex Addiction

               ISAAC	I lived in New York for two years and I was very
               promiscuous.  Well, a close friend was kind enough to inform
               me that I was "sexually compulsive" and talked me into going
               to an S.A. meeting.  Sexaholics Anonymous.  My friend said he
               had achieved sexual sobriety and serenity and that I could

               So I went, and no kidding, half of New York was there.  I
               kept looking for around for Mayor Koch.  So we start off by
               standing in a circle holding hands and we recite the S.A.
               prayer about God granting us the ability to let go of our
               need to suck cock.  Something like that, I don't know.  And
               of course I end up holding the hand of the most gorgeous guy
               I'd ever seen.  (Guy appears in a spotlight.)  Kind of like
               him, but not him.  (Guy exits.)  Well, I start getting a
               raging hard-on and I have to kind of push my butt back like
               this so no one will notice.  And then we sat down which I was
               grateful for, and everyone starts talking about their sexual
               activities.  Which I loved, because usually I have to pay two
               dollars a minute to hear this kind of talk and here I was
               getting it for free.

               Well, the first guy says "I was on my tenth day of sexual
               sobriety but then I slipped and I went to Riverside Park to
               get a blow job."  And of course I'm going Riverside Park,
               Riverside Park.  Where is that again?  And another guy says
               "I was sucking dick in Macy's bathroom and it left me feeling
               so empty."  But he didn't say which floor the bathroom was on
               which really pissed me off.

               So finally the meeting ended and I ran.  To Riverside Park. 
               And I swear within a half hour the bushes were filled.  With
               men from the meeting. 
               I was so grateful to my friend for telling me about this
               group and I couldn't wait for next week to find out about
               more cruising spots.  But after about a month of going, I
               started to think that maybe I did have a problem.  Maybe I
               was a sex addict.  Doesn't that sound awful?  Sex addict. 
               Well, six months later I moved to Fresno, California to
               finish a degree.  Don't ask.  And I vowed that my anonymous
               sex days were over.  No more parks.  No more porno theaters. 
               No more sex clubs.  And I was serious.  I really thought it
               was behind me.

               So it's my first day in Fresno and I wake up at 8 AM on a
               Sunday morning with nothing to do.  So I decided to pay a
               little visit to the Fresno Zoo in Roeding Park.  Is sounded
               wholesome enough.  So I get there around 9:30 and there were
               like twenty cars circling the park.  And I think "My, what a
               popular zoo.  I wonder why no one is parking.  And I wonder
               why these men didn't bring their families."  And all of a
               sudden, eureka, there I was like Christopher Columbus
               discovering the New World.

               I've heard that salmon return to the same place each year to
               spawn.  And that they have no trouble finding the right
               place.  I love that don't you?  It's like they have to go. 
               They have to spawn.  They don't go to meetings to talk
               through their addiction to spawning.  They just do it.  It's
               their nature and they accept it.  My little poodle Michael,
               spends half his day humping everything in the house and he's
               so happy.  He's so satisfied.  And when my friends come over
               they say "How cute, how sweet."  No one ever says "Get that
               dog in a twelve step program.  That dog is a sex addict. 
               That dog needs to find sexual serenity."  If the dog wants to
               fuck, it fucks.  I like that. (Lights change, Isaac exits R,
               Richard and Steve unfreeze.)

               Scene 2  Richard and Steve

               RICH	Don't you think John Bobbitt is so sexy?

               STEVE	No.

               RICH	There's something so masculine about him.

               STEVE	You mean straight acting?

               RICH	Kind of.

               STEVE	That is the stupidest phrase in the gay dictionary.

               RICH	I'd like to suck his dick.

               STEVE	Please honey.

               RICH	I would.  I'd like to see how it works now.

               STEVE	It doesn't work.

               RICH	It will eventually.

               STEVE	Oh, honey.

               RICH	I get very excited when I see him.

               STEVE	Honey.

               RICH	I do.  It's the same with the Menendez brothers.

               STEVE	Now they're cute.

               RICH	They are.

               STEVE	They actually are.

               RICH	I love when they talk about doing it with their father.

               STEVE	Richard!

               RICH	What?

               STEVE	Don't say that.

               RICH	I'm being honest.

               STEVE	Well don't be.

               RICH	I'm just being honest.

               STEVE	Actually, Erik is really cute.

               RICH	I like Lyle more.

               STEVE	With or without the toupee?

               RICH	I don't care.

               STEVE	You have a thing for men with detachable parts.

               RICH	Oh my God.  You're right.  How funny.  Actually just
               those two.

               STEVE	Didn't you date a guy who used to vacuum pump his

               RICH	Oh don't remind me.

               STEVE	Didn't he used to howl or something?

               RICH	Don't, don't.

               STEVE	What happened to him?

               RICH	He's probably pumping his dick as we speak.

               STEVE	You go to the wrong bars.

               RICH	That's for sure.

               STEVE	Didn't it hurt?

               RICH	I only did it once.

               STEVE	Did it hurt?

               RICH	Well, yeah because he make me keep it on for 15 minutes. 
               And he kept telling me how big my dick would be when I took
               it off.  But it was scary because my dick was turning blue.

               STEVE	I saw a guy at Blow Buddies once who had one on.

               RICH	Was his dick blue?

               STEVE	No, and it was sad, because he was in the corner all
               alone with this big plastic tube around his dick and every
               once and a while someone would go by and touch it and then
               walk away.

               RICH	Yeah, but was his dick blue?

               STEVE	You know the lighting in Blow Buddies.

               RICH	Because my dick turned totally blue.

               STEVE	He just looked like something from outer space.

               RICH	Well most of the men there do.

               STEVE	That's not true.

               RICH	The ones I end up with anyway.

               STEVE	Oh you poor thing.

               RICH	I hate men.

               STEVE	Me too.

               RICH	Me too.

               STEVE	Let's start dating women.

               RICH	Umm... no.  (Doorbell rings.  Lights change.  Richard
               exits SR and Steve exits SL with blocks.)

               Scene 3  Isaac Visits Michael

               (Michael enters from SL, Isaac from SR and stands behind
               door.  Michael adjusts his sweater, another doorbell and
               Michael answers door.  Scene is played directly in front of
               the doorway.)

               MIKE	Umm.  Hi, come in.

               ISAAC	Thanks.

               MIKE	Uh, you got here fast.

               ISAAC	Well, you know.

               MIKE	Yeah.  Do you want something to drink?

               ISAAC	No, I'm fine.

               MIKE	You're sure?

               ISAAC	Yeah.

               MIKE	I have Coke, Diet Coke, beer...

               ISAAC	No.  I'm totally fine.

               MIKE	Water?

               ISAAC	No, really.  I'm fine.

               MIKE	Ok.

               ISAAC	I'm just really horny.

               MIKE	You know umm, you don't really look like how you
               described yourself on the phone.

               ISAAC	I don't?

               MIKE	No.

               ISAAC	Really?

               MIKE	No.

               ISAAC	What did I say?

               MIKE	You said you were 150.  (Weight can change depending on
               the actors but there should always be a 10 pound difference.)

               ISAAC	Yeah?

               MIKE	You're not 150.

               ISAAC	I'm not?

               MIKE	No.

               ISAAC	Oh, I thought I was.

               MIKE	You're at least 170.

               ISAAC	Really?

               MIKE	At least.

               ISAAC	Well.  I'm sorry.

               MIKE	I'm 170.

               ISAAC	Really?

               MIKE	And I just like guys who are smaller.

               ISAAC	Smaller than me?

               MIKE	Yeah.

               ISAAC	Oh, sorry.

               MIKE	Oh, it's Ok, it's just...

               ISAAC	You don't want to do it?

               MIKE	Uh... no.

               ISAAC	Oh.  (They stand staring at each other.  Lights
               change, Mike exits SR, Isaac SL.)

               Scene 4  Bill's Call To The B.A.R.


               Scene 5  Steve Describes Himself To Michael

               MIKE	So tell me again.  You're 150?

               STEVE	Uh huh.

               MIKE	Brown hair?

               STEVE	Yeah.

               MIKE	Is it really brown or brownish blonde?

               STEVE	Well, maybe brownish blonde.  Sandy, I guess.

               MIKE	Does it have yellow streaks or white streaks?

               STEVE	No, it's all one color.

               MIKE	And it's short you said?

               STEVE	Uh huh.

               MIKE	And you don't have any facial hair?

               STEVE	No.  None.

               MIKE	But like stubble or not?

               STEVE	No, very clean shaven.

               MIKE	And you said your chest hair is just around your belly

               STEVE	Yeah, like a little trail.

               MIKE	But do you have little hairs on your chest or are you
               totally smooth?

               STEVE	Well, I don't shave my chest.

               MIKE	But you're smooth, right?

               STEVE	Yeah, I'm smooth.

               MIKE	And you like getting your cock sucked?

               STEVE	I love it.

               MIKE	How do you like it?

               STEVE	How do you mean?

               MIKE	Do you like it standing up or sitting down?

               STEVE	Both.

               MIKE	Does it have a big head?

               STEVE	Pretty big.

               MIKE	And you said you're 8 inches?

               STEVE	Uh huh.

               MIKE	How thick again?

               STEVE	I think like, uh, my hand fits nicely around it. 
               (Disgusted with Mike, Steve hangs up and exits SL.  His light
               goes out.)

               MIKE	But can you get your finger all the way around it or not
               quite?  Hello?  Hello?  (Isaac and Chris enter from SL.) 
               Helloooo?  (Mike exits SR.  Lights change.)

               Scene 6  Chris And Isaac Fight

               CHRIS	(They play CS.  Chris is holding a phone bill.)  It
               offends me.

               ISAAC	Why?

               CHRIS	It just does.

               ISAAC	You're being completely irrational.

               CHRIS	If we're dating and we're close and we're monogamous
               and I'm all you ever wanted in the world and blah blah blah,
               then why the hell do you have 600 dollar phone bills?

               ISAAC	Why do you look at pornos?

               CHRIS	That's completely different.

               ISAAC	It's not.

               CHRIS	It is.

               ISAAC	No, it's not.  It's the same thing.

               CHRIS	Isaac, please.  You're the one who said you wanted to
               get together because you were tired of being alone, and you
               were afraid of AIDS, and you wanted to settle down because
               you were sick of going home with strangers, sick of sex

               ISAAC	But not sick of phone sex.

               CHRIS	Isaac!

               ISAAC	Don't you masturbate when I'm not around?

               CHRIS	Yes.

               ISAAC	Well, there you go.

               CHRIS	I always think of you.

               ISAAC	No you don't.

               CHRIS	How do you know?

               ISAAC	You're lying.

               CHRIS	I'm not.  I always think of you.

               ISAAC	Really?

               CHRIS	I'm sorry.  You turn me on.  What can I do about it?

               ISAAC	You turn me on too.

               CHRIS	I don't.  Do I?

               ISAAC	Yes you do.

               CHRIS	We haven't had sex in 3 weeks.  I feel really ugly.

               ISAAC	You're better looking than me.

               CHRIS	Well when I see your phone bills I feel very unwanted
               and ugly.

               ISAAC	That's your problem.

               CHRIS	Thank you Oprah.

               ISAAC	It has nothing to do with me.

               CHRIS	It has everything to do with you.  We're supposed to
               be in a committed relationship.

               ISAAC	I am committed to you.

               CHRIS	(Reading the phone bill.)  And to some guy in
               Florida, and some guy in Utah, and some guy in Indiana, and
               some guy in Burbank, and some guy...  Should I go on?

               ISAAC	I don't care.

               CHRIS	Obviously not.  You know you could at least hide the
               bills when I come over.

               ISAAC	You don't have to look at them.

               CHRIS	And you don't have to make the calls.

               ISAAC	And you don't have to come over.  This is exactly why
               I don't want to move in with you.  You are not my fucking
               mother.  You don't fucking own me.  Sometimes I feel totally
               suffocated in this thing.  If you want to hide things from
               me, go ahead, but that's not how I work.  I shouldn't have to
               hide things from you.  If I want to call Jeff in Indiana,
               I'll call Jeff in Indiana whether you like it or not.  I
               don't do this to hurt you, it's something I do for fun.  I
               like having phone sex.  I like it.  So what?  It's the safest
               form of sex.  I don't have to get emotionally involved.  I
               don't have to worry about what I'm wearing.  And the best
               part of it is, that I never end up fighting with them after
               we've spent a fabulous 10 minutes together.  Which is more
               than I can say for this relationship.

               CHRIS	I don't want to talk about this anymore.

               ISAAC	You brought it up.

               CHRIS	Well, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

               ISAAC	Fine.  We won't.

               CHRIS	Fine.  (Bill enters from behind door and moves DR ,
               Chris exits SR, Isaac exits SL.  Lights change.)

               Scene 7  Bill Back On The Line With The B.A.R.

               BILL	T-H-I-K-D-A-D-I-K Goddamnit.  Can I just talk to one
               person who handles the personals?  I talked to her and she
               gave me to you.  No, it's a simple three line ad. 
               Yeah, that's right, Bill Berkowitz.  Yes, the second time. 
               The Bay Times has never lost my ad in two years.  This is
               twice in six months.  I mean,

               this is crazy.  Fine, I'll hold.  (Lights change.  During the
               previous monologue, Isaac and Steve enter with blocks and a
               sheet, and set up next scene SL.)

               Scene 8  Isaac And Steve Talk About Parents, Richard Comes

               ISAAC	(Isaac is shirtless, and getting massage from Steve.) 
               Now bear in mind, I've never met the woman in person.  I've
               just talked to her on the phone.

               STEVE	And you're adopted parents are ok with it?

               ISAAC	Oh, God.  They don't care.

               STEVE	That's good.

               ISAAC	So she calls my roommate.

               STEVE	Denise?

               ISAAC	Yeah.  And she asks Denise about me, and then at some
               point she says "Is Isaac gay?"  And of course, Denise who
               doesn't have...

               STEVE	Any inhibitions.

               ISAAC	Thank you.

               STEVE	Well, she is a lesbian.

               ISAAC	Denise says yes.

               STEVE	Oh my God.

               ISAAC	And get this, she screams out...

               STEVE	Who screams out?

               ISAAC	My new mother.  She screams out  "I'm so happy.  I've
               always wanted a gay son.  Gay men are so wonderful.  All my
               friends are gay.  Oh, this is perfect."

               STEVE	You're kidding.

               ISAAC	I'm dead serious.

               STEVE	She sounds looney.

               ISAAC	No, she's really interesting.  She's young too, she's
               only 39.

               STEVE	So, she had you when she was about what, ten?

               ISAAC	Fourteen.

               STEVE	Fourteen.  God, that sounds young.

               ISAAC	That's why she gave me up.  And she said she's been
               looking for me ever since.

               STEVE	When are you going to meet her?

               ISAAC	She's coming out the same week we're opening the

               STEVE	Oh.  How's that going?

               ISAAC	It sucks.  I don't what to talk about it.  The
               director is a total idiot so I don't know when I'm gonna be
               able to see her.

               STEVE	What if you hate her?

               ISAAC	Why would I hate her, she sounds completely

               STEVE	Well you know you meet someone and it's wonderful and
               then it's not.

               ISAAC	Could you be talking about Chris?

               STEVE	Probably.

               ISAAC	Yeah, that's turning out to be totally ridiculous.

               STEVE	I warned you.  For God's sake you met at a production
               of Salome.

               ISAAC	It was his third time.

               STEVE	That should have been your first clue.

               ISAAC	How do you sit through Salome three times?

               STEVE	He's so obsessive.

               ISAAC	God, I hate opera.

               STEVE	So, is it over?

               ISAAC	I don't want to talk about it.  Last time I saw him
               we spent an hour arguing over my phone sex bills.

               STEVE	Tell him to fuck off.

               ISAAC	Don't tempt me.

               STEVE	He's too controlling.

               ISAAC	I know.

               STEVE	I mean, how many mothers do you need?

               ISAAC	You know what's so funny is that when I called her
               for the first time...

               STEVE	Who, Chris?

               ISAAC	Shut up.

               STEVE	Just kidding.

               ISAAC	She says that when I called her for the first time
               she knew right away that I was gay.

               STEVE	What, did you have Barbra Streisand playing in the

               ISAAC	From my voice.  She knew from my voice.


               ISAAC	Do I sound like that?

               STEVE	No, of course not.

               ISAAC	Do I sound gay?

               STEVE	No.

               ISAAC	How do I sound?

               STEVE	Like Isaac.

               ISAAC	Is that good or bad?

               STEVE	You sound fine.

               ISAAC	Now I'm listening to myself talk.

               STEVE	Of course you are, you're an actor.  (Steve moves to
               L of blocks, hands Isaac his shirt which he puts on.)

               ISAAC	Oh God.  I hate actors and I hate directors and I
               hate playwrights and I hate theater critics.

               STEVE	But you love the theater.

               ISAAC	Can you believe that a gay paper in San Francisco
               would say my acting was too fruity and faggy?

               STEVE	Why do you read the reviews?

               ISAAC	Because I'm an actor.

               STEVE	And you say you're not into S and M?

               ISAAC	I'll tell you what's masochistic is that I'm meeting
               my birth mother and opening a play in the same week.

               STEVE	And somewhere in all that you have to dump Chris.

               ISAAC	Steve.  (Silence.)  You know the irony is, is that
               after 20 seconds on the phone with my new mother she knows
               I'm gay and loves it, and after 25 years with my real parents
               they're convinced I'm straight.

               STEVE	That's why they're your real parents.

               ISAAC	Actually they know.  (Isaac goes off and gets two
               Diet Cokes and brings them back on for both of them.  Steve
               sits on blocks, Isaac stands L.)

               STEVE	Of course they know.

               ISAAC	Well my mom knows for sure.  My dad is still hoping. 
               I think he thinks Denise and I might get married.

               STEVE	Right.

               ISAAC	Actually, he should be relieved.  My two straight
               sisters are totally fucked up.

               STEVE	Isn't one in drug rehab?

               ISAAC	And the other one just had a baby out of wedlock and
               my brother used to sell drugs.

               STEVE	It's that good Mormon upbringing.

               ISAAC	Did I ever tell you about the Bishop who I told I was

               STEVE	No.

               ISAAC	He gave me a book on how to be straight, and one of
               the things it said is that I should play sports and get
               involved in masculine activities like football.  I am so
               tempted to write him a letter.  Dear asshole, thank you for
               the advice.  I've recently joined the gay softball league and
               I already find myself changing. 
               P.S., I met a wonderful guy named Roger who plays first base
               and gives wonderful head.  Just another success story for
               your files.  Love, Isaac.  (They laugh.)

               STEVE	Actually, when I was young I went to the gym with my
               father, and we had gotten out of the showers and were drying
               off, and I could not stop staring at all the naked men.  I
               just stood there with my mouth hanging open and my dad said
               "Let's go."  And I just stood there lost in space, and he
               said "Steve?  Steve?  Steve let's go."  I was so embarrassed
               but I was so transfixed.

               ISAAC	How old were you?

               STEVE	Two.  (They both laugh.)  I don't know, 8 or 9.  I
               think that's when I first learned the word discreet.

               ISAAC	I remember one time I was in the living room watching
               T.V. and there was something on about gays, and I remember my
               dad saying "That's sick, those people are sick."  And I
               remember feeling so scared.  It was like he was telling me
               don't even think about it.  In fact, when I graduated high
               school I wanted to move here and go to school and he said
               "No.  You can go anywhere but not San Francisco."

               STEVE	So he sent you to New York?  (Richard enters and goes
               to door.)

               ISAAC	Go figure.  (Doorbell rings and Isaac answers the

               BOTH	Finally.  (Lights change as Richard enters.  Richard
               moves to CS, Isaac goes to DR.)

               RICH	I'm really sorry I'm late.  I'm so sorry.  There was a
               really hot guy in the sauna.  He kept cruising me, but he
               wouldn't leave the sauna.  What's a girl to do?

               ISAAC	We've both been waiting.

               RICH	I know, I know.  I'm sorry.

               BOTH	I'll never be late again.

               RICH	I promise.

               STEVE	Yeah, yeah, yeah.

               RICH	Isaac, do you have any more Diet Coke?

               ISAAC	Sorry, these were the last two.

               RICH	Oh my God.  You guys are so fucking thoughtless.  You
               knew I was coming over.  Let's go.  I have to get some Diet
               Coke.  Come on let's go.

               STEVE	It's too late.

               RICH	No, it's not.

               STEVE	It's too late.

               RICH 	You guys are total wimps.

               ISAAC	So what happened?

               RICH	When?

               ISAAC	In the sauna.

               RICH	Well I kept waiting and finally I just gave up.  Fuck
               him, right?  Though he was totally hot.  I mean hot.  Total
               blue collar.  Just the way I like 'em.  Kind of rough around
               the edges, kind of intense.  The kind that will hold your
               head down and make you gag.

               STEVE	Richard, my God!

               RICH	So I'm getting dressed and he comes up to me in his
               towel and says "Wait for me outside."  In this quiet,
               intense, hushed voice like a Russian spy or something, "Wait
               for me outside."  And I was already late so I thought what's
               another ten minutes?  You guys would have done the same

               STEVE	Not me.  I don't cruise the sauna.

               RICH	Everyone cruises the sauna.

               STEVE	Not me.

               RICH	Everyone.  Anyway, so I'm waiting for him outside and
               when he finally comes out 20 minutes later he's a totally
               different person.  Everything matches.  The hair is perfect,
               he's wearing some cheesy cologne, a beautiful little watch,
               oh so cute and tasteful.  And he comes running up to me and
               in this nelli-ass voice he says "Hi, thanks for waiting." 
               And of course I'm thinking to myself that is so not blue

               ISAAC	How many times do I have to tell you that straight
               men do not go to the YMCA.+++

               RICH	I know, I always forget.

               ISAAC	Wishful thinking?

               RICH	He looked perfect.  Why did he have to get dressed and

               STEVE	So what did you do?

               RICH	I gave him a wrong number.

               STEVE	That is so mean.

               RICH	Everyone does that.

               ISAAC	Justify, Richard, justify.

               RICH	Everyone.

               ISAAC	You're like those guys on the phone line who say
               they're gonna come over but never show up.

               RICH	Yeah, because you describe yourself first and then you
               make the date, and by then it's too late to go back and say
               "Ok I'll come over but this is what I really look like."  I
               mean come on.  You don't want them to know you lied.

               ISAAC	So if you say you'll show up and you don't they'll
               never think you're a liar?

               RICH	Oh you guys are so perfect.

               ISAAC	I'm just saying...

               RICH	The gay boy scouts, always honest.  Are we going?

               ISAAC	What time is it?

               STEVE	It's almost seven.

               RICH	What time is it exactly?

               STEVE	It is... 6:47.

               RICH	Oh my God.  I was in the sauna for an hour.

               STEVE	Didn't you work out?

               RICH	No I just cruised the sauna.  (Pause.)  And the showers
               and the steam room.

               ISAAC	Aren't you tired?

               RICH	No.  I'm ready to go.

               ISAAC	Let me turn on the answering machine.  (Isaac exits

               STEVE	I guess we're going then?

               ISAAC	(From off stage.)  I guess.

               RICH	Don't worry.  You'll have fun sweetpea.

               STEVE	You're so bad.

               RICH	Isaac, are you sure you don't have any Diet Coke?

               ISAAC	(From off stage.)  What?

               RICH	Are you sure you don't have any Diet Coke?

               ISAAC	(From off stage.)  I'm sure.

               RICH	You're not hiding it, are you?

               ISAAC	(From off stage.)  What?

               RICH	Are you hiding it?

               ISAAC	(From off stage.)  What?

               RICH	Are - you - hiding - the - Diet - Coke?  (No response.) 
               Goddamnit.  (He exits L, lights change and Steve, alone, does
               the monologue, CS.)

               Scene 9  Steve Discusses Richard

               STEVE	The first time I met Richard we were at a party.  And
               the whole time I was talking to him he was craning his neck
               and looking at all the other people.  I had to keep repeating
               myself and I thought what a jerk.  Why is this guy standing
               here when he so clearly wants to be on the other side of the
               room?  I mean, I don't think he looked at me in the eye for
               more than two seconds at a time.  Well, the next day he calls
               me up and says "It was great talking to you last night.  I
               felt like we really connected."  And all I could say was "Uh
               huh, yeah me too."  (Steve exits L, taking sheet as he goes. 
               Lights change.  This scene is played DR.  Richard enters
               first.  He is alone for a beat and we see him waiting for his
               hot stud.  Then Mike enters from L.)

               Scene 10  Richard Outside The Gym

               MIKE	Hi.  Thanks for waiting.

               RICH	No problem.

               MIKE	So what are you doing tonight?

               RICH	Um, actually I'm supposed to meet friends.

               MIKE	When?

               RICH	An hour ago.

               MIKE	Oh.

               RICH	Yeah.  So I really need to go.

               MIKE	Well, can I call you?

               RICH	Sure.

               MIKE	Well can I get your number?

               RICH	Oh, yeah sure.  Do you have a pen?

               MIKE	Hold on.  (Mike brings out complicated address book.)
               Ok, go.
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