STRAIGHT MEN-OFFICIAL SCR_
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            PRE-SET

            Music Cue 1: Pre-Show Music-Various Songs

      1     SCENE: PROLOGUE

            Music Cue 2: Boy Meets Girl by Haircut 100

            As the song plays each actor enters at a different point in
            the song and does something having to do with their
            character..

            Brian deals with clothes.  Judy checks the lights.  Stanley
            sweeps the stage.  Sally takes off her wig.  Karen fixes her
            hair in the mirror.  Lee approaches Karen and kisses her.
            Jill enters and greets the audience, shaking their hands,
            then moves to the stage to warm-up.

            As song is ending, the house and stage lights fade to black
            with all actors on stage, frozen.

      2     SCENE:  JILL FILMS PROMOS

            The theatre is completely dark.  There is a long awkward
            silence.   The audience is unsure of what is happening now. 
            Finally, in the darkness we hear...

                                JUDY
                          (under her breath)
                      Lights.
                          (another long pause)
                      Lights.
                          (beat, then louder)
                      Lights.
                          (beat)
                      Just bring up 2 and 4?  

            A light comes on.  

                                JUDY (CONT'D)
                      No.

            Light goes out.

                                JUDY (CONT'D)
                      2 and 4. 

            A light comes on.

                                JUDY (CONT'D)
                      I think that's 5.  

            All lights go out. 

                                JUDY (CONT'D)
                      2 and 4.

            House lights come on.  We are in a television studio.  A
            promo for a talk show is about to be shot.

                                JUDY (CONT'D)
                      No, that's the audience.  I'm sorry. Just
                      a sec guys.

            She runs to the booth and argues with the light operator and
            finally the correct lights come up.

                                JUDY (CONT'D)
                      That's it, hold it, right there, right
                      there, thank you.  That's perfect. Lets
                      go.

                                JILL
                          (to her make-up person)
                      How do I look?

                                BRIAN
                      You look good.

                                JUDY
                      Okay, you guys ready?

                                JILL
                      I'm ready.

                                JUDY
                      Okay. And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Hi, I'm Jill Johnson.  Millions of
                      children die each year in Rwanna...I'm
                      sorry.

                                JUDY
                      And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Hi, I'm Jill Johnson.  Millions of
                      children die each year in Rwa-ran..I'm
                      sorry last time?

                                JUDY
                      And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Hold on hold on..."each year in Rwanda,
                      each year in Rwanda, each year in
                      Rwanda", that's really hard to say. 

                                BRIAN
                          (over-articulating)
                      Each-year-in-R-wanda.  

                                JILL
                      Thanks honey.

            She is ready to start again.

                                JUDY
                      And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Hi, I'm Jill Johnson.  Millions of
                      children die each year in Rwanda. 

            Lights go out.

                                JILL (CONT'D)
                      Fuck!

            Lights restore.

                                Light Board Operator
                      Sorry.

                                BRIAN
                      Hold on...

            He runs up to Jill to make sure her make-up is still perfect.

                                BRIAN (CONT'D)
                      Okay.

                                JUDY
                      And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Hi, I'm Jill Johnson.  Millions of
                      children die each year in Rwanda. Last
                      year over 2 million children died from
                      malnutrition alone.  Now you may say to
                      yourself, Rwanda is sooo far away, what
                      can I do about it?  
                      Well, tomorrow, we'll be talking with my
                      dear friends, Sally Struthers and Terri
                      Hatcher, two leading activists in the
                      campaign to end world hunger, and they'll
                      show us that for just pennies, each of us
                      can change the world.  Also the Broadway
                      cast of Disney's Lion King will be here
                      to perform their hit song, "The Circle of
                      Life". Don't miss it, tomorrow at 4,
                      right here on Jill. 

            She holds her smile for three seconds...

                                JUDY 
                      Perfect. Okay, next one. 

                                BRIAN
                      Wait, wait, wait...

            He runs up to Jill to make sure her make-up is still perfect.

                                BRIAN (CONT'D)
                      All-righty.

                                JUDY
                      And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Drag queens, drag queens, drag queens! 
                      From Mrs. Doubtfire to the Crying Game,
                      America loves a man in a dress. 
                      Tomorrow, my dear friend RuPaul joins us
                      for a hilarious and sometimes shocking
                      look at the world of the female
                      impersonator.  Don't miss it, tomorrow at
                      4, right here on Jill. 

            She holds her smile for three seconds...

                                JUDY
                      Great, and last one.  

                                BRIAN
                      One second please...

            He runs up to Jill to make sure her make-up is still perfect.

                                BRIAN (CONT'D)
                      Okay good.

                                JUDY
                      And 5, 4...

                                JILL
                      Are you addicted to gambling?   Do you
                      visit a casino more than twice a month?  
                      Do you spend more on gambling than you
                      can afford to lose.  After a night at a
                      casino do you feel empty, depressed or
                      anxious?   If you answered yes to one or
                      more of these questions, call 1-800-233
                      JILL.  We'd like to have you on our show. 
                      Once again that's 1-800-233-5455.

            She holds smile for three seconds...

                                JUDY
                      ...and cut.  Perfect.

            They all continue to talk as they leave the stage.

      3     SCENE:  STANLEY AND MOM

                                STANLEY
                      I should go on a talk show.

                                MOM
                      Why?

                                STANLEY	
                      It'd be fun.

                                MOM
                      Why would you want to go talk about your
                      life in front of a bunch of strangers?

                                STANLEY
                      It looks fun.

                                MOM
                      Well, you couldn't get me on one of
                      those.

                                STANLEY
                      We could go on together.

                                MOM
                      No thank you.

                                STANLEY
                      We could.

                                MOM
                      You go.

                                STANLEY
                      God, I hate Pontiac.

                                MOM
                      Stanley.

                                STANLEY
                      I do.

                                MOM
                      I don't want to hear this today.

                                STANLEY
                      Well , you know I do.

                                MOM
                      You don't have to stay here.

                                STANLEY
                      Oh and go where?

                                MOM
                      I don't know.

                                STANLEY
                      I hate it here.

                                MOM
                      Then move, honey.

                                STANLEY
                      Are you gonna buy me a plane ticket?

                                MOM
                      No.

                                STANLEY
                      Well then don't just say just move.

                                MOM
                      You have a good job.

                                STANLEY
                      I can't afford to move.

                                MOM
                      Well I don't know what to tell you.

                                STANLEY
                      Let's sell the house and move to San
                      Francisco together.  San Francisco's
                      gorgeous.

                                MOM
                      How do you know?

                                STANLEY
                      Everybody knows that.

                                MOM
                      You just want to go to San Francisco
                      because you can't find a boyfriend in
                      Pontiac.

                                STANLEY
                      I could find a boyfriend in Pontiac.

                                MOM
                      Really?

                                STANLEY
                      But I could find a better one in San
                      Francisco.  Besides, all the porn stars
                      live in San Francisco.

                                MOM
                      Stanley.

                                STANLEY
                      What?  They do.

                                MOM
                      I don't wanna know that.

                                STANLEY
                      Mother.  California's gorgeous.

                                MOM
                      Too much smog.

                                STANLEY
                      That's LA.  You would love San Francisco.

                                MOM
                      You've never even been there.

                                STANLEY
                      I know we'd love it.

                                MOM
                      Stanley, I have lived in Pontiac for 38
                      years.  I'm not going anywhere.  If you
                      want to go to San Francisco then go, but
                      I will die in Pontiac and probably in
                      this house.

                                STANLEY
                      Well I won't.

                                MOM
                      I didn't say you had to.

                                STANLEY
                      I'm gonna get rich and buy you a big old
                      house in Beverly Hills.

                                MOM
                      Oh, that'd be nice.

                                STANLEY
                      With eighty rooms.

                                MOM
                      Okay, then I'll move.

                                STANLEY
                      What time is it?

                                MOM
                      10 to 6.  

                                STANLEY
                      Are you coming to the show tonight?

                                MOM
                      No.

                                STANLEY
                      Sally's gonna miss you.

                                MOM
                      Sally knows I love her.  Here's your
                      shirt.  You're gonna be late. 

                                STANLEY
                      I'm not gonna be late.  Stop saying that. 
                      Besides they don't care anyway.  I can do
                      whatever I want.  I practically own that
                      bar.

                                MOM
                          (to audience)
                      I really had my heart set on grand
                      kids...but you get over it. He says he
                      hates it here but I don't know why. 
                      Pontiac grows on you.  He doesn't pay
                      rent, his truck is paid for...he's got a
                      good life. 

      4     SCENE:  JILL PROMO

                                JILL
                      Our guests fly first class on American
                      Airlines and stay at the luxurious
                      Marriott Marquis Hotel in the heart of
                      Times Square.

      5     SCENE:  SALLY BACKSTAGE AT THE CLUB FLAMINGO

            Sally is in half drag.

                                SALLY
                          (to audience)
                      ...6 years ago. I was performing here at
                      the fabulous Flamingo in my show ,"Miss
                      Sally's Revue" and he came back to tell
                      me how amazing I was..  I was very
                      flattered...I developed a crush on him
                      right away!  He was with his mother.  How
                      can you not fall in love with a guy who
                      brings his own mother to a drag show?

            Knock at the door.

                                SALLY (CONT'D)
                      Coming.

            Sally answers the dressing room door to find Stanley and his
            Mother.  Stanley is holding a bouquet of flowers.

                                STANLEY
                      These are for you, Miss Sally, you were
                      great.

                                SALLY
                      Thank you.

                                MOM
                      Yes, you were wonderful.  It was really
                      fun.

                                SALLY
                      It's just lip-synching.

                                STANLEY
                      But the way you do it...

                                MOM
                      It looked like you were really singing.

                                SALLY
                      Okay, guys, that's enough, you're really
                      embarrassing me.

                                STANLEY
                      Well, we just had to tell you.
                          (beat)
                      By the way, I'm Stanley.

                                SALLY
                      Nice to meet you, Stanley.

                                STANLEY
                      And this is my mother.

                                SALLY
                      Nice to meet you, Mom.

                                MOM
                      Nice to meet you, too.

                                SALLY
                      You bring your mother to a drag show,
                      that's interesting.

                                STANLEY
                      Well, we'll let you go, I know you're on
                      again at 10, right?  
                          (to Mom)
                      I'm gonna run you home and then I'm gonna
                      come back for the second show, okay?

                                MOM
                      That's fine...

                                SALLY
                      I'm warning you, it's really boring the
                      second time.

                                STANLEY
                      I seriously doubt that!

                                SALLY
                          (to audience)
                      ...and about 6 months later he was
                      working in the bar and running my follow
                      spot.  I guess I'm just a sucker for
                      flattery or something.  At first, people
                      actually thought we were lovers but we
                      never had sex...I wanted to...but...you
                      know...

      6     SCENE:  6 MONTHS LATER

            Stanley and Sally are backstage at the Flamingo.

                                STANLEY
                      Did you see Friends last night?

                                SALLY
                      I hate that show.  It's a bunch of dumb
                      straight people talking 'bout nothing! 
                      How can you watch it?

                                STANLEY
                      You know it's filmed in front of a live
                      audience. 

                                SALLY
                      So...?

                                STANLEY
                      So???  You know what that means.  It
                      means we can get tickets and watch it
                      live while they're taping it.  Now how
                      cool would that be?

                                SALLY
                      Honey, they film in LA, we live in
                      Pontiac.

                                STANLEY
                      But if we went there we could see it
                      live.

                                SALLY
                      I'm not going to LA with you.

                                STANLEY
                      Why not?

                                SALLY
                      Because I like it here.  

                                STANLEY
                      What if we moved for like six months and
                      if we don't like it we'll just come back?

                                SALLY
                      You don't listen, honey.  I like it here. 
                      I like living in Pontiac. I'm sorry, I
                      do.   I have a good job.  My parents are
                      here.  I'm not moving.

                                STANLEY
                      Yeah, but wouldn't you like to live
                      somewhere with more than one bar?

                                SALLY
                      What's wrong with this bar?   It pays
                      your rent.

                                STANLEY
                      I don't wanna die living in a Goddamn
                      trailer park with my only claim to fame
                      being that I worked my way up to head
                      bartender at the fucking Flamingo.

                                SALLY
                      There's worse ways to make a living.

                                STANLEY
                      Like what?

      7     SCENE:  JILL TAPES ANOTHER SHOW

            Jill talks into her microphone as she saunters through the
            audience.

                                JILL
                      Rosie O'Donnell, Melissa Etheridge, Ellen
                      DeGeneres.  It seems that these days
                      everyone in Hollywood is a lesbian. But
                      what about the ones still in the closet?  
                      Today, my guests include Mike Walker from
                      the National Enquirer and Michael Musto
                      from New York's' Village Voice and they
                      promise to rip open some of Hollywood's
                      deepest closets.  So get ready for a
                      little gossip and a lotta fun, right
                      here, today, on Jill.

      8     SCENE:  LEE AT HOME GETTING READY FOR WORK

                                KAREN
                      Come on, Lee, you're gonna be late.  It's
                      time for you to go.  You're gonna get
                      fired.  

                                LEE
                      They'll never fire me.   Some of those
                      waiters have been there 15 years...

                                KAREN
                      Can you bring back some milk, please.

                                LEE  
                      Anything else?

                                KAREN
                      No, I think we're fine.
                          (beat)
                      Are you coming straight home?

                                LEE
                      Yes, Ma'm.

                                KAREN
                      Gimme a kiss.

            They kiss.

                                LEE  
                      Do I have garlic breath?

                                KAREN
                      Lemme see.  
                          (sniffs his mouth)
                      No, you're fine.

                                LEE
                      Okay, I'll see you tonight.

                                KAREN
                      Please don't forget the milk.

                                LEE
                      Bye.

            Lee leaves.

                                KAREN
                      People always ask me how I met Lee and I
                      swear to God I don't remember.   We went
                      to high school together but I don't
                      remember our first meeting.  I remember
                      our first date though.  It was nice... 

            Karen and Lee are now having a candlelit dinner at a very
            nice restaurant. 

                                KAREN (CONT'D)
                      ...we went to a really fancy
                      restaurant...he paid for everything...
                      and it was very expensive...and it was
                      very nice...after our first date we just
                      started hanging out...it was kind of an
                      instant thing.  I definitely recommend
                      dating a waiter...they always bring home
                      a lot of free food.

      9     SCENE:  RESTAURANT WITH LEE SALLY AND STANLEY

            Stanley and Sally are now at Lee's restaurant having dinner.  
            Lee is the waiter and Stanley is fixated on him.  Sally is not
            in drag.

                                LEE  
                      You guys ready to order?

                                SALLY
                      Um...not yet...are you?

                                STANLEY
                          (fixated on Lee)
                      Hmmmm...I don't know...everything looks
                      so good.

                                SALLY
                      What are the soups?

                                LEE 
                      Cream of broccoli and chicken noodle.

                                STANLEY
                      I love those pants.  Where'd you get 'em?

                                LEE   
                      I don't know...my girlfriend bought 'em
                      for me.

                                STANLEY
                      Oh cool, you have a girlfriend, good for
                      you.

                                SALLY
                      Um, can I get some water, please?

                                LEE
                      Sure,  you want one, too?

                                STANLEY
                      Hmmm...sure...why not...

                                LEE  
                      Okay...

                                STANLEY
                      ...and could you put a little lemon slice
                      in it, like on the rim?

                                LEE
                      Sure...

                                STANLEY
                      Oh, thank you.  I really appreciate it.

                                LEE
                      No problem.

            Lee exits.

                                STANLEY
                      Oh my God!

                                SALLY
                      You are pathetic!

                                STANLEY
                      I'm in love.

                                SALLY
                      He's straight Stanley.

                                STANLEY
                      I know...it's sooo hot.  I love it when I
                      suck their dicks and they go, "Oh I wish
                      my girlfriend knew how to give head like
                      you."

                                SALLY
                      Stanley, when are you gonna grow up?

                                STANLEY
                      What does that mean?

                                SALLY
                      You know what that means.

                                STANLEY
                      You mean when am I gonna start dating
                      faggots?  Fuck you. 

                                SALLY
                      Honey, if someone sleeps with you they
                      are a faggot, okay?  Period.

                                STANLEY
                      Excuse me...if they have a baby seat in
                      the back of their car, I think that
                      probably means they're straight, okay.

                                SALLY
                      No, Stanley, it means they're closeted.

                                STANLEY
                      Just cause a guy gets a blowjob does not
                      mean he's gay.  You want everyone to be
                      gay.

                                SALLY
                      I just think you should sleep with your
                      own kind.

                                STANLEY
                      Oh please, we're not a race...

                                SALLY
                      You know what I mean.

                                LEE
                      So, are you ready to order?

            Overlapping.

                                SALLY
                      No.

                                STANLEY
                      Yes.

            Overlapping again.

                                SALLY
                      Yes.

                                STANLEY
                      No.

                                SALLY
                      Not really, sorry.

            Lee goes back to the kitchen.

                                STANLEY
                      Listen, when I have sex with a gay man
                      all I think about is AIDS.  I can't
                      relax.  I keep thinking I'm gonna get
                      infected.  

                                SALLY
                      Straight people have AIDS, too, Stanley.

                                STANLEY
                      That's bullshit.  The infection rate is
                      much lower for straight people and you
                      know it.  

                                SALLY
                      Not in Africa.

                                STANLEY
                      Well we aren't in Africa.  I'm sorry. 
                      Half the straight guys I meet are more
                      freaked out than I am.  Half of 'em wanna
                      use a condom for a blowjob.  And why? 
                      Because they're scared.  Because they're
                      married with three kids.  Because they're
                      straight.  They have to have be careful. 
                      But fags don't even care anymore.   Half
                      the queens we know don't even use condoms
                      for fucking let alone sucking!   You know
                      I'm right.

                                SALLY
                      You know what I think.

                                STANLEY
                      Just say it.

                                SALLY
                      I don't wanna argue with you anymore.

                                STANLEY
                      Yes you do, you love arguing.

                                SALLY
                      Let's change the subject, please.
                          (beat, looking at menu)
                      Do you know what you want?

                                STANLEY
                          (lost in thought)
                      Yes...I want him, girl.  Do you think
                      he's hung?   He's so white.  Do you think
                      he's German?  Do you think he's cut or
                      uncut?

                                SALLY
                      I'm ignoring you.

                                STANLEY
                      I'm in love.

            Lee re-enters

                                LEE
                      So... do you know what you want.

                                STANLEY
                      I think so.
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