MyBoyfriendtheStripper
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.

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               ACT 1

         1     SCENE: THE PARTY                                         1

               Lights come up on an empty room.  All is silent.  We hear
               footsteps. Adam is coming home to his apartment. He is at the
               front door. He unlocks the lock and enters. He turns the
               lights on and out of nowhere all of his friends jump out and
               scream...

                                   ALL
                         Surprise!!!!

               Noise and laughter. Adam hugs everyone at the party.

                                   ADAM
                         Oh my God, you people are crazy!

               They all laugh.

                                   ADAM (CONT'D)
                         Peter, you did this didn't you?

                                   PETER
                         Adam, baby, you only turn 40 once.

                                   ADAM
                         Thank God. Right?

                                   ALL
                             (different variations
                              of...)
                         Yes.

                                   LARRY
                         Oh, come on.  It's not that bad. 
                         Welcome to the club, Adam.

               They all laugh.

                                   GAVIN
                         Champagne!  Champagne!  We need
                         champagne.

                                   ADAM
                         You brought champagne?

                                   GAVIN
                         Duh.

                                   PETER
                         A toast! A toast!

                                   GAVIN
                         I'd like propose a toast!  To our
                         host, the reason we're here:  This
                         is for you, Adam.

               All the guys hold up their glasses and toast.

                                   ALL
                         Hear, hear!

                                   GAVIN
                         Now, let's get drunk.

                                   PETER
                         No, no. Presents.  We have to do
                         presents before

               we're too drunk to remember what we brought.

               Let's open mine first.

                                   LARRY
                         Peter, you're so impatient.

                                   PETER
                         Well, what else are we going to do?

               Play pin the tail on the Donkey?

                                   BUD
                         That sounds fun. I'll be the
                         Donkey.

                                   PETER
                         No, no, presents. Time for
                         presents.

                                   LARRY
                         Fine, presents.

                                   ALL
                             (something like)
                         Yes, presents.

               Peter brings them over.

                                   ADAM
                         Who's this from?

                                   GAVIN
                         That's from me.

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, it's a sweater.

                                   GAVIN
                         It's to keep you warm in this San

               Francisco fog. And it's made from hemp.

                                   PETER
                         Hemp?  You mean, like pot?

                                   GAVIN
                         Well, kind of.  The same basic
                         ingredient.

                                   PETER
                         Well, look on the bright side,
                         Adam.  If it ever goes

               out of style then you can just smoke it.

                                   ADAM
                         Shut up!  Thank you, Gavin.  I love
                         it.

                                   PETER
                         Here, open ours. It's not boring.
                         It's not even remotely politically
                         correct.

               Adam opens the present from Kevin. It is wrapped in a big

               hefty bag. It is a full-sized-anatomically correct love-doll.

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, my God.

                                   LARRY
                         Peter, that's terrible. That's what
                         you spent our money on?

                                   GAVIN
                         Is that what I think it is?

                                   PETER
                         Don't worry, Gav, it's organic.

                                   LARRY
                         You are terrible.

                                   PETER
                         What?  He needs a boyfriend.  He
                         just needs to be blown…up.

                                   BUD
                         Me first.

               There is knock at the door. A  cop, DAVID, is at the door. 
               GAVIN answers the door.

                                   GAVIN
                         Hi, can I help you?

                                   DAVID
                         Hi. I need to talk to the owner of
                         the house.

                                   GAVIN
                         One second. Adam!

               Adam heads over to the door to talk to the cop.

                                   ADAM
                         What's up?

                                   DAVID
                         Yes are you the owner of the house?

                                   ADAM
                         Yes, officer, can I help you?

                                   DAVID
                         Yes I'm sorry, we have a problem
                         with the music.

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, I'm sorry, is it too loud?

                                   DAVID
                         No...it's not loud enough!

               The music blares and the cop begins to strip. All are
               laughing. At the end of the strip they all sing Happy
               Birthday.

                                   ADAM
                         Peter you did this didn't you? You
                         are dead tomorrow at work!

                                   GAVIN
                         You were great. Can I get you
                         something to drink? We have
                         champagne?

                                   DAVID
                         That'd be great. Thanks.

                                   BUD
                         You're hot. Where did they find
                         you?

                                   DAVID
                         I have an ad in the yellow pages.

                                   ADAM
                         Only in San Francisco.

                                   PETER
                         Well, that was fun. Don't you think
                         Larry?

                                   LARRY
                         I'm not sure what it was.

                                   PETER
                         Oh, get over yourself.

                                   DAVID
                         Thank you. You guys were a lot
                         better than my last gig.. Last week
                         I did a commitment ceremony and the
                         best man threw up all over my g
                         string.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, that's charming.

                                   GAVIN
                         So, is this your full-time job?

                                   DAVID
                         For now. I'm actually a
                         photographer but it doesn't pay the
                         bills-yet. But, if any of you wanna
                         have your picture taken...if you're
                         feeling brave. It's fun.

                                   LARRY
                         Oh not me, thank you very much.

                                   GAVIN
                         Posing how? You mean naked?

                                   BUD
                         I'd do it.  Sign me up.

                                   LARRY
                         Oh please, Bud.

                                   BUD
                         What?  I'm serious. When do we
                         start?

                                   DAVID
                         When's good for you?

                                   LARRY
                         Oh my God.

                                   BUD
                         I don't know.  I can call you and
                         let you know.

                                   DAVID
                         Great.  Peter, can you give my
                         number to, Bud?

                                   PETER
                         Uh...sure....I'll bring it
                         tomorrow.

                                   DAVID
                         Great! Anybody else?  Come on it's
                         fun.

                                   ADAM
                         Well, nobody'd want to see me,
                         that's for sure.

                                   DAVID
                         I would.

               The room goes silent.

                                   ADAM
                         You're just saying that because
                         it's my birthday.

                                   DAVID
                         No, I'm saying it because you're
                         really cute.
                             (long pause, awkward
                              silence)
                         Is there a bathroom?

                                   ADAM
                         No, uh yes, uh, right down the
                         hall.

                                   GAVIN
                         I'll show him.

                                   PETER
                         "No, I'm saying that because you're
                         really cute."

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, stop it.

                                   PETER
                         Love at first sight. I guess you
                         won't be needing that doll anymore.
                         Do you mind if I borrow him?

               PETER picks up the doll.

                                   LARRY
                         PETER!!!

                                   PETER
                         Come on, Larry. We can have a
                         threesome.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, I hate to break up this very
                         interesting party, but we better
                         get going. I have a class in the
                         morning.

                                   PETER
                         Do we need to stay and clean up?

                                   ADAM
                         No, no, it's fine.

                                   PETER
                         Oh, good, I wasn't going to help
                         anyway, I was just being polite.

               He walks them to the door.

                                   LARRY
                         Bud, I hope to see you in class
                         bright an early tomorrow.

                                   BUD
                         Bright and early Herr Professor.

                                   ADAM
                         Thanks for coming guys. I know you
                         have a long drive.

               Larry and Peter exit. Gavin re-enters.

                                   BUD
                         Gavin you want a ride?

                                   GAVIN
                         Are you going home?

                                   BUD
                         Yeah.

                                   GAVIN
                         Oh great.

                                   ADAM
                         When are you gonna get a car,
                         Gavin?

                                   GAVIN
                         Never. I get a lot of  exercise
                         walking.  And besides, I love
                         public transportation.

                                   ADAM
                         Yeah, Muni's great.

                                   GAVIN
                         Happy Birthday.  See you at yoga.

                                   ADAM
                         You got it.  Thanks for coming.

               DAVID emerges from the bathroom. There is a long awkward
               pause.

                                   DAVID
                         You have a nice bathroom.

                                   ADAM
                         Thank you. You have a nice...thank
                         you.

                                   DAVID
                         So, what's your name?

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Adam.

                                   DAVID
                         Hi Adam, I'm David.

                                   ADAM
                         Hi David.  It's like we're in our
                         own Cecil B. DeMille epic.

                                   DAVID
                         Huh?

                                   ADAM
                         Forget it.  So, what do you do, you
                         know, for real?

                                   DAVID
                         What do you mean, for real?

                                   ADAM
                         I mean, like, you can't make a
                         living from stripping at  birthday
                         parties can you?

                                   DAVID
                         Well, that's just part of it.

                                   ADAM
                         So, what else do you do, you know,
                         during the day?

                                   DAVID
                         I do this. What I did tonight.
                         That's what I do. Just different
                         versions of it.

                                   ADAM
                         What does that mean?

                                   DAVID
                         Well, I guess...what I am...is...an
                         exotic entertainer.

                                   ADAM
                         An exotic entertainer?  Why do I
                         feel like I'm in a Lifetime
                         Original Movie?

                                   DAVID
                         I know,  I don't like that term.

                                   ADAM
                         What term do you prefer?

                                   DAVID
                         Performance Artist?

                                   ADAM
                         So, what exactly does a performance-
                         artist/exotic entertainer do?

                                   DAVID
                         Stripping. Dancing. Erotic Massage.
                         Layouts. Modeling. Porn.

                                   ADAM
                         You do porn?

                                   DAVID
                         I don't do it. I've done it.

                                   ADAM
                         You've done porn?

                                   DAVID
                         Some.

                                   ADAM
                         How many?

                                   DAVID
                         70, maybe?

                                   ADAM
                         70?  No way!

                                   DAVID
                         Yes way.

                                   ADAM
                         You're a porn star.

                                   DAVID
                         I'm an adult erotic video
                         performer.

                                   ADAM
                         You're a porn star!

                                   DAVID
                         I'm a porn star. Are you shocked?

                                   ADAM
                         A little, yeah.

                                   DAVID
                         Why?

                                   ADAM
                         I just...I don't know.

                                   DAVID
                         What?

                                   ADAM
                         I just...I just...Oh I don't know,
                         I just...I don't follow the porn. 
                         Sorry I didn't recognize you.

                                   DAVID
                         Don't sweat it.

                                   ADAM
                         You don't seem like the porn star
                         type.

                                   DAVID
                         What does the porn star type seem
                         like?

                                   ADAM
                         The stereotype, I guess.

                                   DAVID
                         Well, I am addicted to heroin, but
                         other than that...

                                   ADAM
                         Are you really?

                                   DAVID
                         No, I was joking. It was a joke. I
                         am not addicted to heroin. I'm
                         addicted to a lot of things but
                         heroin is not one of them.

                                   ADAM
                         So what are you addicted to?

                                   DAVID
                         Working out, going to the movies.
                         Oh, and The Anna Nicole Show…I'm
                         addicted to that!

                                   ADAM
                         I'm sorry.  Anything else?

                                   DAVID
                         Sex. With the right person, of
                         course.  I want to have fun. Aren't
                         you addicted to anything?

                                   ADAM
                         Just two things:  Ben and Jerry.  I
                         don't have time for any other 
                         addictions.

                                   DAVID
                         Why what do you do?

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, I'm an associate editor at the
                         Chronicle Book Review . It's very
                         boring.  I argue with people all
                         day.

                                   DAVID
                         You don't sound like you enjoy it.

                                   ADAM
                         I'm over it!

                                   DAVID
                         So quit.

                                   ADAM
                         You're very refreshing.

                                   DAVID
                         I'm done with porn. I'm moving on.
                         I'm getting into photography.
                         What's stopping you from moving on? 
                         Under contract?

                                   ADAM
                         Yea, but I can quit if I want to.

                                   DAVID
                         So just quit. Just say, "I'm tired.
                         I work too hard. I'm killing
                         myself. I need a break. I'm
                         quitting. Goodbye!"   You just do
                         it.

                                   ADAM
                         That is so Dr. Phil.

                                   DAVID
                         I'm serious.  We should go away for
                         a weekend.

                                   ADAM
                         I don't even know you.

                                   DAVID
                         So?

                                   ADAM
                         So, you could be an axe murderer or
                         something.

                                   DAVID
                         I'm not an axe murderer.

                                   ADAM
                         Why would you possibly want to go
                         away with me?

                                   DAVID
                         I told you.  I think you're cute
                         and you seem nice and it's your
                         birthday.

                                   ADAM
                         Ah, so this is pity attention.

                                   DAVID
                         That's enough. Come on. Lets do it.
                         Right now.

                                   ADAM
                         What?

                                   DAVID
                         Take a break. Go away. Relax. Lay
                         down.

                                   ADAM
                         What?

                                   DAVID
                         Lie down.

                                   ADAM
                         Where?

                                   DAVID
                         Right here. Now. Lie down.

                                   ADAM
                         Why?

                                   DAVID
                         Don't question everything. Just do
                         it.  Lie down.

               Adam lies down.  David rubs his hands all over Adam's back,
               Adam moans.

                                   DAVID (CONT'D)
                         Close your eyes. Close them.

               He rubs his back more.

                                   DAVID (CONT'D)
                         Relax. Don't think. Feel

               He continues to rub.

                                   ADAM
                         That feels so good.

                                   DAVID
                         When was the last time you had a
                         full body massage?

                                   ADAM
                         Never.

                                   DAVID
                         Oh, come on.

                                   ADAM
                         I never have.

                                   DAVID
                         Seriously?

                                   ADAM
                         I've just been busy.

                                   DAVID
                         Your whole life?

               They both laugh and settle.

                                   ADAM
                         Oh, my god. You are so amazing.

                                   DAVID
                         Just relax.

                                   ADAM
                         Did my friends pay you to do this?

                                   DAVID
                         No.

                                   ADAM
                         Are you sure?

                                   DAVID
                         I'm off the clock. This isn't work,
                         it's play. In fact I think I'm
                         enjoying this more than you are.

                                   ADAM
                         No, I'm really enjoying it.

               They continue for a while in silence.

                                   DAVID
                         Roll over.

               Adam does not move, frightened.

                                   DAVID (CONT'D)
                         Adam? Roll over.

               Adam finally does, he lays on his back .

                                   DAVID (CONT'D)
                         Adam, would you just relax?

               Long silence.

                                   DAVID (CONT'D)
                         I want to kiss you.

               Adam is silent.

                                   DAVID (CONT'D)
                         Is that O.K.? Can I kiss you?

               Adam is silent and nods enthusiastically, they kiss as the
               lights dim.

         2     SCENE: LARRY AND PETER AFTER THE PARTY                   2

               Larry and PETER are getting home from the party. Larry is
               holding a coffee mug and a paper plate with a pastry. PETER
               is holding a balloon from the party.  Larry goes to the desk
               and checks his calendar for the next day.

                                   PETER
                         Why haven't we had sex in three
                         months?

                                   LARRY
                         Excuse me.

                                   PETER
                         Why haven't we had sex in three
                         months?

                                   LARRY
                         It has not been three months.

                                   PETER
                         2 months 3 weeks and 4 days?

                                   LARRY
                         I'm going to bed.

                                   PETER
                         I'm reaching my limit, Larry.  I'm
                         serious.  What's going on?

                                   LARRY
                         Can you give it a rest?

                                   PETER
                         What's wrong here?

                                   LARRY
                         Peter, it's three in the morning. I
                         need to get some sleep.

                                   PETER
                         Can I have a kiss good night.
                         Please.
                             (long pause)
                         I just want you to touch me.

               Larry goes to him and kisses him dispassionately. Then Peter
               tries to initiate sex.

                                   LARRY
                         I have to work in the morning.  I'm
                         sorry. I'm going to bed.

         3     SCENE: BUD AND GAVIN IN BUDS APT.                        3

               Bud and GAVIN enter right away with throw pillows...and sit
               down...

                                   GAVIN
                         Bud, can I tell you something?

                                   BUD
                         Sure.

                                   GAVIN
                         I think  you're terrific.  But I
                         never understood what you saw in
                         Danny.  You could do so much
                         better.  I'd hear you guys fighting
                         from upstairs and I thought, " He
                         could do so much better."  When you
                         guys finally broke up I was so
                         happy. 
                         I have this feeling that you're
                         gonna meet someone fabulous then
                         you'll see what a waste of time
                         Danny was.  You know what you need?

                                   BUD
                         What do I need?

                                   GAVIN
                         Tea.

                                   BUD
                         Tea?

                                   GAVIN
                         Yeah.  What?

                                   BUD
                         I thought you were gonna say a
                         martini.

                                   GAVIN
                         Just humor me, alright?

                                   BUD
                         Fine.  Tea it is.

                                   GAVIN
                         Ok, I'm gonna run upstairs.  I'll
                         be back in, like, three minutes.

                                   BUD
                         Why are you so nice to me?

                                   GAVIN
                         It's nothing.

               Gavin exits and Bud is left alone onstage thinking.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.