ACT 1
1 SCENE: THE PARTY 1
Lights come up on an empty room. All is silent. We hear
footsteps. Adam is coming home to his apartment. He is at the
front door. He unlocks the lock and enters. He turns the
lights on and out of nowhere all of his friends jump out and
scream...
ALL
Surprise!!!!
Noise and laughter. Adam hugs everyone at the party.
ADAM
Oh my God, you people are crazy!
They all laugh.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Peter, you did this didn't you?
PETER
Adam, baby, you only turn 40 once.
ADAM
Thank God. Right?
ALL
(different variations
of...)
Yes.
LARRY
Oh, come on. It's not that bad.
Welcome to the club, Adam.
They all laugh.
GAVIN
Champagne! Champagne! We need
champagne.
ADAM
You brought champagne?
GAVIN
Duh.
PETER
A toast! A toast!
GAVIN
I'd like propose a toast! To our
host, the reason we're here: This
is for you, Adam.
All the guys hold up their glasses and toast.
ALL
Hear, hear!
GAVIN
Now, let's get drunk.
PETER
No, no. Presents. We have to do
presents before
we're too drunk to remember what we brought.
Let's open mine first.
LARRY
Peter, you're so impatient.
PETER
Well, what else are we going to do?
Play pin the tail on the Donkey?
BUD
That sounds fun. I'll be the
Donkey.
PETER
No, no, presents. Time for
presents.
LARRY
Fine, presents.
ALL
(something like)
Yes, presents.
Peter brings them over.
ADAM
Who's this from?
GAVIN
That's from me.
ADAM
Oh, it's a sweater.
GAVIN
It's to keep you warm in this San
Francisco fog. And it's made from hemp.
PETER
Hemp? You mean, like pot?
GAVIN
Well, kind of. The same basic
ingredient.
PETER
Well, look on the bright side,
Adam. If it ever goes
out of style then you can just smoke it.
ADAM
Shut up! Thank you, Gavin. I love
it.
PETER
Here, open ours. It's not boring.
It's not even remotely politically
correct.
Adam opens the present from Kevin. It is wrapped in a big
hefty bag. It is a full-sized-anatomically correct love-doll.
ADAM
Oh, my God.
LARRY
Peter, that's terrible. That's what
you spent our money on?
GAVIN
Is that what I think it is?
PETER
Don't worry, Gav, it's organic.
LARRY
You are terrible.
PETER
What? He needs a boyfriend. He
just needs to be blownÉup.
BUD
Me first.
There is knock at the door. A cop, DAVID, is at the door.
GAVIN answers the door.
GAVIN
Hi, can I help you?
DAVID
Hi. I need to talk to the owner of
the house.
GAVIN
One second. Adam!
Adam heads over to the door to talk to the cop.
ADAM
What's up?
DAVID
Yes are you the owner of the house?
ADAM
Yes, officer, can I help you?
DAVID
Yes I'm sorry, we have a problem
with the music.
ADAM
Oh, I'm sorry, is it too loud?
DAVID
No...it's not loud enough!
The music blares and the cop begins to strip. All are
laughing. At the end of the strip they all sing Happy
Birthday.
ADAM
Peter you did this didn't you? You
are dead tomorrow at work!
GAVIN
You were great. Can I get you
something to drink? We have
champagne?
DAVID
That'd be great. Thanks.
BUD
You're hot. Where did they find
you?
DAVID
I have an ad in the yellow pages.
ADAM
Only in San Francisco.
PETER
Well, that was fun. Don't you think
Larry?
LARRY
I'm not sure what it was.
PETER
Oh, get over yourself.
DAVID
Thank you. You guys were a lot
better than my last gig.. Last week
I did a commitment ceremony and the
best man threw up all over my g
string.
LARRY
Well, that's charming.
GAVIN
So, is this your full-time job?
DAVID
For now. I'm actually a
photographer but it doesn't pay the
bills-yet. But, if any of you wanna
have your picture taken...if you're
feeling brave. It's fun.
LARRY
Oh not me, thank you very much.
GAVIN
Posing how? You mean naked?
BUD
I'd do it. Sign me up.
LARRY
Oh please, Bud.
BUD
What? I'm serious. When do we
start?
DAVID
When's good for you?
LARRY
Oh my God.
BUD
I don't know. I can call you and
let you know.
DAVID
Great. Peter, can you give my
number to, Bud?
PETER
Uh...sure....I'll bring it
tomorrow.
DAVID
Great! Anybody else? Come on it's
fun.
ADAM
Well, nobody'd want to see me,
that's for sure.
DAVID
I would.
The room goes silent.
ADAM
You're just saying that because
it's my birthday.
DAVID
No, I'm saying it because you're
really cute.
(long pause, awkward
silence)
Is there a bathroom?
ADAM
No, uh yes, uh, right down the
hall.
GAVIN
I'll show him.
PETER
"No, I'm saying that because you're
really cute."
ADAM
Oh, stop it.
PETER
Love at first sight. I guess you
won't be needing that doll anymore.
Do you mind if I borrow him?
PETER picks up the doll.
LARRY
PETER!!!
PETER
Come on, Larry. We can have a
threesome.
LARRY
Well, I hate to break up this very
interesting party, but we better
get going. I have a class in the
morning.
PETER
Do we need to stay and clean up?
ADAM
No, no, it's fine.
PETER
Oh, good, I wasn't going to help
anyway, I was just being polite.
He walks them to the door.
LARRY
Bud, I hope to see you in class
bright an early tomorrow.
BUD
Bright and early Herr Professor.
ADAM
Thanks for coming guys. I know you
have a long drive.
Larry and Peter exit. Gavin re-enters.
BUD
Gavin you want a ride?
GAVIN
Are you going home?
BUD
Yeah.
GAVIN
Oh great.
ADAM
When are you gonna get a car,
Gavin?
GAVIN
Never. I get a lot of exercise
walking. And besides, I love
public transportation.
ADAM
Yeah, Muni's great.
GAVIN
Happy Birthday. See you at yoga.
ADAM
You got it. Thanks for coming.
DAVID emerges from the bathroom. There is a long awkward
pause.
DAVID
You have a nice bathroom.
ADAM
Thank you. You have a nice...thank
you.
DAVID
So, what's your name?
ADAM
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Adam.
DAVID
Hi Adam, I'm David.
ADAM
Hi David. It's like we're in our
own Cecil B. DeMille epic.
DAVID
Huh?
ADAM
Forget it. So, what do you do, you
know, for real?
DAVID
What do you mean, for real?
ADAM
I mean, like, you can't make a
living from stripping at birthday
parties can you?
DAVID
Well, that's just part of it.
ADAM
So, what else do you do, you know,
during the day?
DAVID
I do this. What I did tonight.
That's what I do. Just different
versions of it.
ADAM
What does that mean?
DAVID
Well, I guess...what I am...is...an
exotic entertainer.
ADAM
An exotic entertainer? Why do I
feel like I'm in a Lifetime
Original Movie?
DAVID
I know, I don't like that term.
ADAM
What term do you prefer?
DAVID
Performance Artist?
ADAM
So, what exactly does a performance-
artist/exotic entertainer do?
DAVID
Stripping. Dancing. Erotic Massage.
Layouts. Modeling. Porn.
ADAM
You do porn?
DAVID
I don't do it. I've done it.
ADAM
You've done porn?
DAVID
Some.
ADAM
How many?
DAVID
70, maybe?
ADAM
70? No way!
DAVID
Yes way.
ADAM
You're a porn star.
DAVID
I'm an adult erotic video
performer.
ADAM
You're a porn star!
DAVID
I'm a porn star. Are you shocked?
ADAM
A little, yeah.
DAVID
Why?
ADAM
I just...I don't know.
DAVID
What?
ADAM
I just...I just...Oh I don't know,
I just...I don't follow the porn.
Sorry I didn't recognize you.
DAVID
Don't sweat it.
ADAM
You don't seem like the porn star
type.
DAVID
What does the porn star type seem
like?
ADAM
The stereotype, I guess.
DAVID
Well, I am addicted to heroin, but
other than that...
ADAM
Are you really?
DAVID
No, I was joking. It was a joke. I
am not addicted to heroin. I'm
addicted to a lot of things but
heroin is not one of them.
ADAM
So what are you addicted to?
DAVID
Working out, going to the movies.
Oh, and The Anna Nicole ShowÉI'm
addicted to that!
ADAM
I'm sorry. Anything else?
DAVID
Sex. With the right person, of
course. I want to have fun. Aren't
you addicted to anything?
ADAM
Just two things: Ben and Jerry. I
don't have time for any other
addictions.
DAVID
Why what do you do?
ADAM
Oh, I'm an associate editor at the
Chronicle Book Review . It's very
boring. I argue with people all
day.
DAVID
You don't sound like you enjoy it.
ADAM
I'm over it!
DAVID
So quit.
ADAM
You're very refreshing.
DAVID
I'm done with porn. I'm moving on.
I'm getting into photography.
What's stopping you from moving on?
Under contract?
ADAM
Yea, but I can quit if I want to.
DAVID
So just quit. Just say, "I'm tired.
I work too hard. I'm killing
myself. I need a break. I'm
quitting. Goodbye!" You just do
it.
ADAM
That is so Dr. Phil.
DAVID
I'm serious. We should go away for
a weekend.
ADAM
I don't even know you.
DAVID
So?
ADAM
So, you could be an axe murderer or
something.
DAVID
I'm not an axe murderer.
ADAM
Why would you possibly want to go
away with me?
DAVID
I told you. I think you're cute
and you seem nice and it's your
birthday.
ADAM
Ah, so this is pity attention.
DAVID
That's enough. Come on. Lets do it.
Right now.
ADAM
What?
DAVID
Take a break. Go away. Relax. Lay
down.
ADAM
What?
DAVID
Lie down.
ADAM
Where?
DAVID
Right here. Now. Lie down.
ADAM
Why?
DAVID
Don't question everything. Just do
it. Lie down.
Adam lies down. David rubs his hands all over Adam's back,
Adam moans.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Close your eyes. Close them.
He rubs his back more.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Relax. Don't think. Feel
He continues to rub.
ADAM
That feels so good.
DAVID
When was the last time you had a
full body massage?
ADAM
Never.
DAVID
Oh, come on.
ADAM
I never have.
DAVID
Seriously?
ADAM
I've just been busy.
DAVID
Your whole life?
They both laugh and settle.
ADAM
Oh, my god. You are so amazing.
DAVID
Just relax.
ADAM
Did my friends pay you to do this?
DAVID
No.
ADAM
Are you sure?
DAVID
I'm off the clock. This isn't work,
it's play. In fact I think I'm
enjoying this more than you are.
ADAM
No, I'm really enjoying it.
They continue for a while in silence.
DAVID
Roll over.
Adam does not move, frightened.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Adam? Roll over.
Adam finally does, he lays on his back .
DAVID (CONT'D)
Adam, would you just relax?
Long silence.
DAVID (CONT'D)
I want to kiss you.
Adam is silent.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Is that O.K.? Can I kiss you?
Adam is silent and nods enthusiastically, they kiss as the
lights dim.
2 SCENE: LARRY AND PETER AFTER THE PARTY 2
Larry and PETER are getting home from the party. Larry is
holding a coffee mug and a paper plate with a pastry. PETER
is holding a balloon from the party. Larry goes to the desk
and checks his calendar for the next day.
PETER
Why haven't we had sex in three
months?
LARRY
Excuse me.
PETER
Why haven't we had sex in three
months?
LARRY
It has not been three months.
PETER
2 months 3 weeks and 4 days?
LARRY
I'm going to bed.
PETER
I'm reaching my limit, Larry. I'm
serious. What's going on?
LARRY
Can you give it a rest?
PETER
What's wrong here?
LARRY
Peter, it's three in the morning. I
need to get some sleep.
PETER
Can I have a kiss good night.
Please.
(long pause)
I just want you to touch me.
Larry goes to him and kisses him dispassionately. Then Peter
tries to initiate sex.
LARRY
I have to work in the morning. I'm
sorry. I'm going to bed.
3 SCENE: BUD AND GAVIN IN BUDS APT. 3
Bud and GAVIN enter right away with throw pillows...and sit
down...
GAVIN
Bud, can I tell you something?
BUD
Sure.
GAVIN
I think you're terrific. But I
never understood what you saw in
Danny. You could do so much
better. I'd hear you guys fighting
from upstairs and I thought, " He
could do so much better." When you
guys finally broke up I was so
happy.
I have this feeling that you're
gonna meet someone fabulous then
you'll see what a waste of time
Danny was. You know what you need?
BUD
What do I need?
GAVIN
Tea.
BUD
Tea?
GAVIN
Yeah. What?
BUD
I thought you were gonna say a
martini.
GAVIN
Just humor me, alright?
BUD
Fine. Tea it is.
GAVIN
Ok, I'm gonna run upstairs. I'll
be back in, like, three minutes.
BUD
Why are you so nice to me?
GAVIN
It's nothing.
Gavin exits and Bud is left alone onstage thinking.
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