AFGM-OFFICIAL SCRIPT-LA
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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A FEW GAY MEN
BY RONNIE LARSEN
Note: This script does not contain the complete stage
directions but the entire piece is completely staged. It
constantly moves and the actors act out the stories as they
are being told. Everyone is onstage the whole time listening,
reacting, creating pictures and playing the characters that
are referenced in the stories. It is not people sitting in
chairs talking to the audience it is staged like a series of
vignettes or mini one-acts. It is highly theatrical and
stylized. Never static. The stories should be acted like
they are happening right now not just being re-called. There
is no set, just a few chairs and blocks. The locations
referred to in the piece (hospital, sexclub, synagogue, etc)
are all created by the actors.
House lights are up. As the audience enters they see a bare
black stage with eight various chairs spread around and a
desk and swivel chair center stage. Music plays in the
background. After a while, the interviewer enters on to the
stage and goes directly to the stage. He is carrying a
briefcase. He begins to set up his desk. He is preparing
for something. The lights don't change but the audience has
grown silent thinking the show has begun and the music fades
out. Finally the interviewer casually acknowledges the
audience with a a smile or slight nod or grin. The mood
should be very casual. As he begins to talk to the audience
he should remain blas? and casual, not "theatrical" or
formal. Sometimes he addresses the audience as a whole and
other times he focuses on just one person. The interviewer
should go out of his way to make the audience feel
comfortable and safe. He should be sincere and really try to
get the audience to open up and express themselves. This can
go on for 10 or 15 minutes. It should be fascinating. I want
to start the show every night promptly on the hour. We will
not wait for latecomers. If late people show up during the
audience-interview-section just acknowledge them and keep
going.
PROLOGUE: INTERVIEWING THE AUDIENCE
LIGHT CUE: PRE-SET-GENERAL WASH/HOUSE LIGHTS
MUSIC CUE: PRE-SHOW MUSIC
MUSIC: SHOW STARTS-COMING UP BY PAUL MCARTNEY
Interviewer comes out, very casually, listening to the
McCartney song, Coming Out with headphones...sings along then
abruptly shuts it off.
MUSIC CUE: COMING UP-CUTS OFF
INTERVIEWER
(to audience)
Hi. How are you? .......
Talks to audience. Remember to mention cell phones.
INTERVIEWER (CONT'D)
Well thank you for your honesty. See I
love talking about sex and things about
sex. I'm fascinated by people and their
sex lives. Although, I guess a lot of us
are...right?
He walks back to his desk...
INTERVIEWER (CONT'D)
...so recently, I put an ad in a gay
paper in New York City saying I was
looking for a few gay men willing to
discuss all aspects of their lives. I
thought maybe I'd write a book or
somethingš˜ wasn't exactly sure where I
was headed but I knew it was research I
wanted to do formally so I placed the ad
and I waited for the phone to ring. And
it rang.
The interviewees start to enter.
INTERVIEWER (CONT'D)
And it rang and it rang. I got over 100
phone-calls the first week. People
wanted to talk.
All speak at the same time.
ALLEN
I had sex with a girl when I was very
young.
JOE
I've had crabs like three times.
FRANK
The first time I had sex I was 17.
BRIAN
I grew up very, very, close to my father.
STEVEN
First time I ever had sex with a man was
on my eighteenth birthday.
ALLEN
We would play hide and seek and she asked
me if I knew anything about sex, and I
said, "Yeah, I know everything." So we
started to...you know...do it...And this
is really stupid but it hit me all of a
sudden that Charro was gonna be on The
Love Boat so right then and there I
stopped and ran downstairs to watch it.
And I remember she started crying.
JOE
Actually I probably had it four times
cause there's been one time where I
didn't know where they came from. The
first time I got them I probably had them
for like three weeks because I didn't
know what they were, I just started
noticing little red dots in my underwear.
I thought maybe it was fuzz from the
dryer, then I started itching and then
the blood. And one day I saw one on my
arm and I was like, "Oh my God, what is
this?" So then I started looking for
more. And I said, "Oh my God. I see
them here, I them there." I thought it
was lice, well it was lice, but it wasn't
in my hair. Anyway, I went to the doctor
and he told me it was crab lice. I was
so freaked out.
FRANK
She was my first girlfriend. But the
whole time I was thinking, "Why am I not
more excited? Why am I not like other
guys who were just like 'pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy'...was I meant to be
a priest?
BRIAN
I grew up very, very, close to my father,
I've been hunting and fishing since I can
remember. And going to baseball games
and football games and drinking beer
together. And that's very hard for me,
that the relationship has altered because
of my sexuality. My father, his friend
and I. We went hunting.
And his friend said, "So have you been
down to that place in the Village where
they got all them there queers?" And my
dad just turned his back on me he like
turned his back on me because he was
afraid of what I was gonna say. He's so
afraid how other ignorant people are
gonna feel and think.
STEVEN
First time I ever had sex with a man was
on my eighteenth birthday. He fucked me.
It was very scary, but magical, like
strange magical. And my hairdresser kept
saying, "Oh, you'll fall in love with my
best friend." But I would not have any of
that. I just said, "No, I'm moving to
New York. And at the end of the week I
jumped on a Grey Hound bus.
INTERVIEWER
Each interview lasted about two and a
half hours. And one of the things I
found most fascinating was that I always
had to end the interview. They never
wanted to quit. When I'd say, "okay I
think were done," they seemed
disappointed. I taped all the interviews
on this little unreliable tape
recorder...
He presses play on his tape recorder.
INTERVIEWER (CONT'D)
...afterwards I paid my sister, Kathy,
to transcribe them. She's straight and
lives in a mobile home in Bakersfield,
California with her Star-trek obsessed
boyfriend. When she was all done I called
her up and said, "So Kathy...what did you
think of the people?" And she said,
"Honestly...I don't know what to think!"
LIGHT CUE: HOUSE LIGHTS OUT-BUMP
ACT 1
PATRICK
I really dislike when I'm driving along
the highway and make a rest stop and walk
in and there's some guy hanging around
the bathroom waiting and hoping that
something is going to happen.
Cause if the image of a homosexual is
going to be this guy hanging around the
rest area on the New York state
thruway...I just don't think that's a
very nice image to present to people.
Have I mentioned that I am opinionated?
MICHAEL
I was playing with a friend my age in the
park. And we we're digging up dirt from
the earth. And I remember we wanted to
get a better consistency to dig into so
he peed on the earth. I still remember
that.
INTERVIEWER
That was very exciting for you?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
So you saw him peeing?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
Did you pee too?
MICHAEL
Not at that time. Subsequently though,
I've done it a lot. Even today I pissed
in the street when I was coming here.
INTERVIEWER
You did?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
Today?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
So you love to piss?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
You love to piss in public?
MICHAEL
Public, private, yeah. My pants are
still a little wet.
INTERVIEWER
But you take your dick out of your pants
first.
MICHAEL
Not necessarily.
INTERVIEWER
You peed in your pants on your way over
here today?
MICHAEL
Mostly it's outside, but there are many
times when I do it in my pants.
Occasionally in the house and sometimes
on the street, once I did it in a bar.
INTERVIEWER
So, what is the turn on of pissing in
your pants? Is it the warm feeling or is
it the danger?
MICHAEL
It's exciting and warm. I also think
it's a release, like you're holding it in
and then you let go. I don't know what
else to compare it to, but it's like say
the weather is freezing outside and the
minute you walk in the door its
like...aaaaahhh. It's exciting. The
mess is great, too.
ALLEN
I pissed on guys before.
The whole cast is now at a piss party...either peeing on or
being being peed on...except Michael...he just observes.
Looking around in awe...
MICHAEL
There's at least one organization, which
I'm not familiar with, but friends of
mine told me about it. It's called
Golden Showers of America! They have
piss parties.
They all freeze except Frank.
FRANK
One of the first things that always grabs
me is eyes...or a smile...or the way
somebody speaks...or the way that they
carry themselves.
...an explosion of sound...everyone is on a phone having
phone sex loudly for three beats...then the talking continues
but we no longer hear it but people are still moving and
miming talking.
JOE
(to audience)
So three weeks ago this guy on the west
side was telling me he was Italian,
hairless, worked out, good looking, big
dick, blah blah blah. Everything sounded
good to me. I get there...
...Frank approaches Joe...everyone on phones freezes.
JOE (CONT'D)
...and he's the fucking Hobbit. He was
probably about 5'6", glasses, pot belly,
not attractive. The hair color was the
same but the body was not. I just left.
It absolutely shocks me. They say
they're whatever and then you get there
and they're not anything like the
description. I don't lie, why do they?
There have been a few times when I wake
up and the guy isn't cute anymore.
...Joe crosses to interviewer table and sits...
FRANK
I've never gotten anything through a
personal ad. I have never been on a date
or been in a relationship. I've taken
ads out, saying I'm a this, this, this,
this...but, of course, people falsify. I
wonder if I falsify and say I'm five foot
eleven, nine inch dick, tan, buff, I'd
start getting responses. But, of course,
like a jerk, I'm honest and nobody
responds!
INTERVIEWER
What kind of men attract you?
FRANK
Attractive.
JOE
Young.
PATRICK
Intelligent.
MICHAEL
Interesting.
ALLEN
Muscular.
STEVEN
Latinos.
BRIAN
(on phone)
I am very attracted to black men. I am
the biggest chocolate queen there is. My
friend Tyrone always tells me, "They
gotta be darker than a brown paper bag."
I don't know when it really happened.
I'm sure it had something to do with that
guy in the parking lot which is weird
because it wasn't a good experience.
INTERVIEWER
Would you rather be with men of color or
white men?
FRANK
White men.
INTERVIEWER
Do you know why?
FRANK
I don't know.
...all focus on Brian...Brain talks to the audience...Allen
plays the queenie guy in the upcoming speech...
BRIAN
When we go hunting, we get up at three
o'clock in the morning and start drinking
beer at ten. It was like eleven o'clock
at night and I had been drinking beer
since like ten in the morning so I was
really, really drunk.
All my inhibitions had gone away and I
went to this gay bar in Flint and had sex
with a guy in his car out in the parking
lot.
MUSIC CUE: SEX SHOOTER BY APOLLONIA-UNDERSCORE
...Allen slowly rises and starts moving to the music...as the
speech continues he does the things that Brian talks
about...Allen
BRIAN (CONT'D)
This was the first time I picked up a man
at a gay bar? Later
I almost vomited
because of this gut wrenching guilt for
doing it. He was really queenie. Real
Nellie Queen. He was black, afro, he was
totally not my type. I just wanted to do
it. It could have been anybody that
night. I drove up and I was sitting in my
car, and mind you, I was wasted! Wasted!
And I was sitting there listening to the
radio. I looked over and there he was
sitting in the car next to me, he had
backed in, so we were like window to
window. I looked over at him and he
looked at me and I rolled my window down
and he rolled his window down. I don't
really remember the exact dialogue that
went on, but I ended up sitting in his
car. We started kissing, which was very
erotic to me. Then I started to touch
him, and I went down on him and sucked
his dick. He got off and then he
reciprocated. But I couldn't cum. I
started to feel really dirty, right? So,
I was like, "no, no" and made him stop.
And then I left.
MUSIC CUE: SEX SHOOTER-CUTS OUT
BRIAN (CONT'D)
That was the first black guy I was ever
with and it repulsed me. The next day I
went to see a preacher.
MUSIC CUE: ORGAN MUSIC-FAITH BY GEORGE MICHAEL-UNDERSCORE
BRIAN (CONT'D)
I didn't want to be gay, I can't be gay.
So I went to see this preacher, the only
one I knew and he said,
PATRICK
(as preacher)
"Can we sit down and talk?"
BRIAN
So we sat down and talked.
LIGHT CUE: SPOT ON CHURCH WITH CROSS GOBBO BEHIND-BUMP
BRIAN (CONT'D)
He really talked down about homosexuality
to me about how it's bad and I need to
find Jesus. He read me passages from the
Bible. We knelt at the pulpit and he
started saying a bunch of things and
calling on Jesus and I played along with
him. I really tried. I started reading
the Bible for like two weeks. I was
gonna be converted, and then finally I
was just like, "You know what...
BRIAN (CONT'D)
...this ain't gonna happen."
Priest and Brian start having sex for the first line of Faith
then Frank cuts them off.
LIGHT CUE: GENERAL WASH RESTORE-BUMP
FRANK
And that's one of the major heartaches in
my life. I really want to come out but
my father and I have no relationship at
all, I don't even know where he lives.
My father was always a very Archie
Bunkerish kind of guy...
BRIAN
(as father)
"Oh, faggots, fuck 'em."
FRANK
...I'd love to walk up to him some day
and say...
STEVEN
"Guess who's gay?"
FRANK
No, I have never told my parents.
Actually, I still live with my mom and
that's the biggest stumbling block in my
life. She loves to talk about how nice it
would be to have a granddaughter, "My
best friend, Dorothy, has a granddaughter
and she's so lucky to be a grandmother."
I gotta hear all this all of my life. It
would be very easy to just deal with her
on the phone once in a while. But when
you're facing somebody, day in and day
out...I don't know, maybe I'm just a
coward. You live with this constant knot
in your stomach, that's how you do it.
It's funny, I always tell people when I
meet them. I never lie. I try never to
lie because my whole life has been a lie.
But the closest people in the world to
me...
MUSIC CUE: FAITH-FADES OUT
FRANK (CONT'D)
...my family and my close childhood
friends, don't know the first thing about
me. How do you tell somebody you've been
friends with since you were 9 years old,
"By the way, I don't think I ever
mentioned this to you, but I got
something I gotta tell you." How do you
do that?
STEVEN
Growing up in Virginia you're taught to
act masculine. Any hint that you were
feminine meant you were labeled gay by
the rednecks. I was always so
embarrassed after my parents met my gay
friends because they'd say...
PATRICK
(as Mother)
"He's just so gross cause he's very
feminine."
BRIAN
(as Father)
"You don't hang around him, do you?"
STEVEN
"No, I don't hang around him."
FRANK
I was always a loner, and when you're a
kid...and you know kids are so cruel,
but kids are savvy. Words like sissy tend
to come out.
JOE
Faggot!
PATRICK
Girl!
MICHAEL
Pussy!
ALLEN
Queer!
STEVEN
Cock-sucker!
BRIAN
Butt-pirate!
FRANK
Butt-pirate??? Words like that always
tend to come out and people know you're
different, even sometimes before you do.
And I think that was the case with me, I
think everybody knew something was
different about me before I did.
INTERVIEWER
Were you effeminate as a child?
FRANK
I don't think so.
Looks back at school-kids who nod yes.
FRANK (CONT'D)
God I hope not.
PATRICK
How long have I been gay? My whole life.
But I came to that realization and
acknowledged it at nineteen. But I
remember...in the third grade...I have a
brother who's nine years older then I am
and I thought one of his friends was so
cute. I knew I always wanted to be
around when he was around.
I liked the fact that we could rough
house and be a little rough and tumble,
so there was a physical element to it.
But the sexual aspects of it didn't click
with me.
INTERVIEWER
Was he the first one you really remember
having this attraction to?
PATRICK
That's the first that I really remember.
It's possible that there was something
before that but...
MICHAEL
I don't know about being born gay, but I
know I was gay at a very early age. And
it certainly was not a choice. I don't
know if it's from genealogy but it's
certainly not a conscious choice. Do I
wanna take Pepsi or do I wanna take Coke,
I mean obviously it doesn't work that
way. People who believe that are really
way off. But this is the way I've always
felt, this is basically me. I've gone
into therapy to try to change my
sexuality, which never worked and I'm not
interested in doing that again.
INTERVIEWER
Did you talk to your therapist about your
pissing fantasies?
MICHAEL
It never really came up because that
wasn't the issue.
INTERVIEWER
But don't you think the pissing thing is
like a big thing in your life? Like
don't you think it's like a major piece
of your life puzzle?
MICHAEL
It could very well be, I mean it's
certainly something I'm interested in. I
mean any time I see a picture that looks
like someone is pissing I always look
twice.
INTERVIEWER
But how could you go to therapy and not
discuss that?
MICHAEL
Because it was about my general
orientation not specifics. And obviously
they didn't ask me, cause if they had
asked me, I would have told them.
INTERVIEWER
While you were in therapy were you still
pissing?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
You went to the therapist for the purpose
of changing you sexuality, correct?
MICHAEL
Correct.
INTERVIEWER
So to go to a therapist to talk about
changing your sexuality but not discuss
the specifics of your sexuality, you
don't find that kind of somehow off?
MICHAEL
Basically, the therapist asked all kinds
of questions and I would answer the
questions. And if there was anything I
felt was amiss I would bring it to his
attention. But, pissing just didn't dawn
upon me as something that was relevant to
bring out.
INTERVIEWER
You don't think it's relevant?
MICHAEL
Well at the time I didn't. Now that you
bring up the subject and I think about
it, maybe there is some relevance to it.
It's of a sexual nature...I guess.
Hmmmm.
INTERVIEWER
Hmmmm.
MICHAEL
Hmmmm.
BRIAN
When I was four. I got caught having sex
with the little boy across the street and
I've been gay ever since. We were both
little kids and my father caught us. You
couldn't mistake it. It was sex. I had
my dick in between his butt cheeks. We
were doing pee-pee to butt. That's what
we used to call it when we were little
kids. So we were doing pee-pee to butt
in this field behind the house and then
we were forbidden to play with each
other. I remember my dad coming at me
with the belt, and I remember getting hit
with the belt. I remember not being able
to play with the little boy and I
remember not being able to play with the
little girl across the street either
because her parents found out.
INTERVIEWER
Did you ever see him again?
BRIAN
He lived next door to us, but then he
moved away.
PATRICK
(as the father)
You put your pee-pee in his butt?
BRIAN
Not in, but kind of like in.
INTERVIEWER
So you were the top?
BRIAN & PATRICK
(in unison)
I was the top.
INTERVIEWER
Are you a top now?
BRIAN
I'm very versatile. To me it depends on
the guy and the mood.
I'll throw my legs up in the air for
anybody, but...I guess I'd say I'd rather
be on bottom than on top, just because on
top sometimes it's gross. Sometimes it
gets dirty.
INTERVIEWER
Do you wash your hands after you pee or
not?
MICHAEL
Yeah. It's for religious reasons,
actually.
MUSIC CUE: JEWISH MUSIC-UNDERSCORE
LIGHT CUE: SYNAGOGUE SETTING-SLOW FADE
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
I'm Jewish. On various occasions you have
to wash your hands, and this is one of
those occasions.
INTERVIEWER
But you're not Kosher?
MICHAEL
Oh yeah.
INTERVIEWER
You keep Kosher?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
So you're very religious.
MICHAEL
Oh yes, very.
INTERVIEWER
Do you go to services?
MICHAEL
Yeah. Every day.
INTERVIEWER
So what is the stance on homosexuality,
officially, in the religion?
MICHAEL
Well the Bible itself says that one
shouldn't lay with a man like with a
woman.
INTERVIEWER
But can you stretch that, "well I lay
down and have sex with my wife, but if I
stand up and a guy gives me a blow job
that's not the same thing?" Can you
stretch that or not?
MICHAEL
Not really, no. Anal is considered the
main problem, religiously.
INTERVIEWER
So do you wear a yamulke?
MICHAEL
I have one in my pocket at all times, but
I don't wear it all day long.
INTERVIEWER
You wouldn't wear a yamulke in a porno
theater?
MICHAEL
No, I would be disgracing God.
INTERVIEWER
Cause God would not want you to identify
yourself as a Jewish man if you're in a
place like that?
MICHAEL
He knows anyway. I mean there's no
fooling Him obviously.
INTERVIEWER
Do you ever wear your yamulke while your
pissing?
(long pause)
Do you?
MUSIC CUE: JEWISH MUSIC-OUT SLOWLY
ALLEN
I believe that God works through us. I
also believe that everybody sins.
But I don't use it as an excuse to say,
"Okay, I'm gonna do a line of coke and
fuck this guy without a condom because
Jesus died for my sins." But everybody
makes mistakes and God realizes that and
as long as I'm sorry for the things that
I do...I think I'm going to heaven.
LIGHT CUE: GENERAL WASH RESTORE-FADE UP
MICHAEL
Actually, I hardly use my toilet.
MUSIC CUE: WHITE LINES BY GRAND MASTER FLASH-UNDERSCORE
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
What I often do is take a container, look
out the window, see somebody interesting
passing by and piss in the container. I
remember once, though, I was doing it in
the house in just my underpants and I was
looking out the window and saw somebody
interesting, I just let go. But, it
didn't all absorb in to the underpants.
Some got on the floor.
INTERVIEWER
Do you have carpet?
MICHAEL
No, it's a regular wood floor, so it's no
problem.
PATRICK
One of the big family stories is as a
little kid they could never keep clothes
on me. We were at my cousin's house for
dinner, she's a child psychologist, and I
insisted on taking my clothes off and she
said, "Well that's quite all right, if he
wants to eat dinner in the nude he can."
So there I was nude while we had dinner.
MICHAEL
Everybody's piss tastes different. I'm
not a doctor, but apparently it depends
on what you're eating and drinking
before. In other words if you basically
drink water or soda it's more bland.
Eating more things with greater substance
or with spice is more flavorful.
INTERVIEWER
Do you have a preference? Do you like
clear or do you like it yellow?
MICHAEL
I like it yellow. I'd rather it look
like piss.
INTERVIEWER
Do you have a preference in taste?
MICHAEL
I don't drink it too often. But, if it's
strong in a way it's nice, but then it's
a lot to digest, and you know it's rather
tart.
INTERVIEWER
Let me ask you a really stupid question.
Does your house smell like urine?
MICHAEL
No. Not at all.
ALLEN
I saw all of these people putting these
ads out and I said, "Why not? I can have
quick cash in hand and just completely
have someone suck my dick." And it
worked. The most uncomfortable was when
I was about twenty I fooled around with
this guy. He called me and he said...
MICHAEL
"I'm Jewish. Does that bother you?"
ALLEN
I said, "No." So I'm thinking I'm gonna
get some Jewish queen. So you can
imagine my shock when I open the door and
he was a fucking Chassidic Jew. He had
the earlocks and everything? It was so
weird.
MICHAEL
You don't choose being homosexual!
The whole cast turn and look at Michael.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
But you choose to have homosexual
activities.
FRANK
But see the problem is these guys get
paid by the hour, and they've got a clock
sitting right there and *ding* it goes
and goodbye! You're under the pressure
and if you have in your mind what you
wanna do, you better squeeze it in within
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