10NM-OFFICIAL SCRIPT-FAT-_
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            SCENE: RICHARD & JEFFREY DISCUSS BEER COMMERCIALS

                                JEFFREY
                      So did you read the script?

                                RICHARD
                      "Now that's good ice cream?"  I don't wanna
                      do commercials.  I don't wanna stand around
                      with my clothes off in the background of a
                      stupid ice cream commercial.  I wanna play
                      a character.  I wanna say some lines.

                                JEFFREY
                      But why have it if you're not gonna use it? 
                      You use it to hustle but you won't use it
                      to get parts.

                                RICHARD
                      Acting is not hustling. Acting's an art.

                                JEFFREY
                      So is hustling.  That's exactly what it is. 
                      You're playing a role.  You're like the fucking
                      David.  Your body is art.   You should show it
                      off.  What's the big deal?  It's not like you're
                      some famous actor.  You're a nobody.  Who cares
                      what you do?  

                                RICHARD
                      And you're an asshole.

                                JEFFREY
                      Why, 'cause I wont lie to you?

                                RICHARD
                      I don't want you to lie to me.

                                JEFFREY
                      Oh please, all actors want to be lied to.  

                                RICHARD
                      Is this what happens when you make a lot money,
                      you think you have permission to be an asshole?

                                JEFFREY
                      No, I was an asshole when I was poor, too.

                                RICHARD
                      I gotta go.

                                JEFFREY
                      Where are you going?

                                RICHARD
                      I told you I have another client.

                                JEFFREY
                      Don't say, "another client".  Like I'm just
                      another client and you're gonna go off and
                      see another client. 

                                RICHARD
                      Well, you brought it up.

                                JEFFREY
                      Tell me you're going shopping.

                                RICHARD
                      I'm going shopping.

                                JEFFREY
                      Thank you.

                                RICHARD
                      I'm going shopping with all the money I
                      make from fucking another client.

                                JEFFREY
                      Well just come by when you're done.  
                          (begging)
                      Please.

                                RICHARD
                      You're gonna be nice to me?

                                JEFFREY
                      Yes.

                                RICHARD
                      Fine, I'll see you tonight.

                                JEFFREY
                      Richard?

                                RICHARD
                      What?

                                JEFFREY
                      You know I really like you.  You know that,
                      right?

                                RICHARD
                      Uh-huh.

            Music Cue:  Money, Money, Money

            SCENE: SMOKING TRICK

            Allen peeks out, enters room.  Sits down on piece of furniture,
            takes out pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lights cigarette,
            smokes for a while.  Suddenly, Richard yells from offstage.

                                RICHARD
                          (offstage)
                      Son, son, son, what are you doing in here?

                                ALLEN
                      Nothing.

                                RICHARD
                      Do I smell smoke?

                                ALLEN
                      No.

                                RICHARD
                      I smell a bad boy, that's what I smell.
                      You've been smoking again, haven't you?
                      Stand up.  Oh, this is bad.

                                ALLEN
                      I'm sorry daddy.

                                RICHARD
                      I think it's time for an appointment with
                      Mr. Hand.

                                ALLEN
                      No daddy, please.

            Allen pulls his pants down voluntarily.  He begins to spank him.

                                RICHARD 
                      Do you see what happens to little boy's who
                      smoke?  Do you?

                                ALLEN
                          (in his normal voice)
                      Uh, Richard, just do it a little harder.

                                RICHARD
                      Oh, I thought you wanted it light.

                                ALLEN
                      Yeah, but that's too light.  Make it sting
                      a little bit.

                                RICHARD
                      Oh, sorry.
                          (slaps him)
                      Like that?

                                ALLEN
                      Yeah, that's better.

                                RICHARD
                      Sorry about that.

                                ALLEN
                      No problem.

                                RICHARD
                      Yeah, you've been a bad little smoker,
                      haven't you?  Now you get your little red
                      butt in that bathroom and you take your
                      bath.  And if you get water on the floor,
                      you know what happens.

                                ALLEN
                      I know.

            Allen exits.  Richard sits alone on stage for a minute, relaxes,
            exasperated.

                                RICHARD
                          (to himself)
                      Oh my God.

                                ALLEN
                          (off-stage)
                      Oh no, daddy.  I got water on the floor.

                                RICHARD
                          (Richard shakes his head "no".)
                      No, you didn't. 

                                ALLEN
                      I'm sorry daddy, I'll clean it up.

                                RICHARD
                      Too late, I'm coming in there.

            Stands up, removes belt.

                                RICHARD (CONT'D)
                      Say hi to Mr. Belt.

                                ALLEN
                          (Screaming in little boy voice)
                      Nooooo!!!!

            Music Cue:  Money, Money, Money (Reprise)

            SCENE: JEFFREY INTERVIEWS ROBERT

                                JEFFREY
                      So, have you thought about losing weight?

                                ROBERT
                      I've thought about it.

                                JEFFREY
                      But you can't.

                                ROBERT
                      Well no.

                                JEFFREY
                      Like do you have a metabolism thing going
                      on?

                                ROBERT
                      No.

                                JEFFREY
                      You just eat a lot?

                                ROBERT
                      I actually don't eat that much.

                                JEFFREY
                      You know some people can eat and eat and
                      eat and they never gain weight.

                                ROBERT
                      That's not me.

                                JEFFREY
                      But you don't eat a lot?

                                ROBERT
                      No, like, if you put all the food on the
                      table that I eat in a whole day it wouldn't
                      be that much food.

                                JEFFREY
                      What'd you have for lunch?

                                ROBERT
                      Uh...
                          (laughing embarrassed)
                      ...well actually that's not fair.

                                JEFFREY
                      Tell me.

                                ROBERT
                      I had a cheeseburger.

                                JEFFREY
                      Oh please, you had a fucking cheeseburger. 
                      I'm telling you it's what you eat, and I'll
                      bet you don't exercise right?

                                ROBERT
                      I bet I don't.

                                JEFFREY
                      So you eat cheeseburgers and you don't exercise,
                      well that's the problem right there.  We just
                      figured out.

                                ROBERT
                      So you think I need to lose weight?

                                JEFFREY
                      Yes and get a tan.  Please, you look like
                      Michael Jackson.  I mean, come on, you don't
                      want to spend the rest of your life playing the
                      pasty faced effeminate neighbor, do you?

                                ROBERT
                      Am I effeminate?

                                JEFFREY
                      Oh, girl, please!  Robert, you seem like a
                      nice guy.  I like your shirt, you have
                      nice...hair but I just don't think there's
                      much I can do for you...

                                ROBERT
                      Mr. Silver, I'll do anything.  I'll go to
                      the gym.  I'll get a tan.  I just really
                      need an agent.  I don't want to spend the
                      rest of my life doing Shakespeare for 200
                      dollars a week in summer stock.

                                JEFFREY
                      Oh, I love Shakespeare.  There's nothing
                      wrong with Shakespeare.

                                ROBERT
                      But he doesn't pay the bills.

                                JEFFREY
                      Actually, you're wrong.  He does pay the bills.
                      Shakespeare was a rich mother-fucker.  He was a
                      big capitalist.  He was like the Spielberg of
                      his day.  If he were alive today he'd be working
                      in  Hollywood.  He'd be writing screenplays. 
                      He'd be writing Batman 5.  He churned those
                      scripts out: Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello, bam, one
                      after another.  And the sequels!  Henry I, Henry
                      II, Henry III, Henry IV.  Listen Robert, stick
                      to Shakespeare, there's nothing wrong with
                      Shakespeare.  

                                ROBERT
                      So basically, you're not gonna sign me.

                                JEFFREY
                      You're a nice guy but you know my concerns.

                                ROBERT
                      I'm a very good actor.

                                JEFFREY
                      Robert please, don't give me the hard sell. 
                      Have some dignity.  You sound like the
                      fuckin' Avon lady.

                                ROBERT
                      I just really need an agent.

                                JEFFREY
                      Don't beg, it's not attractive.

                                ROBERT
                          (pause)
                      Please...

                                JEFFREY
                      Don't beg

                                ROBERT
                          (very quietly)
                      Please...

                                JEFFREY
                      I'm sorry, Robert.
                          (pause)
                      Good luck with your career.

            SCENE: POST SMOKING TRICK

                                ALLEN
                      You are so fucking sexy.  Stay the night.

            Allen is mauling him.

                                RICHARD
                      I really can't.

                                ALLEN
                      What do I have to do to get you to move in?  I
                      feel so young when I'm with you.

                                RICHARD
                      You are young.

                                ALLEN
                      But I don't feel it.  Feel that. 
                          (he pushes his crotch against
                           Richard)
                      I feel like Bob Dole. 

            SCENE: JIM TUCKER SIGNS ROBERT

                                ROBERT
                      One agent told me I was too fat, another said I
                      was too queenie...

                                JIM
                      Robert, you gotta be patient.  Every
                      actor's miserable.  Even the famous ones.
                      In fact the most famous ones are the most
                      miserable.  That's why they all get
                      addicted to painkillers.  It's a painful
                      business, they can't deal with it.  Robert,
                      how old are you?

                                ROBERT
                      28.  29?  29.

                                JIM
                      Well when you hit 30 we'll talk because it all
                      changes at 30.

                                ROBERT
                      How?

                                JIM
                      Everything.  My whole career changed at 30.

                                ROBERT
                      How.

                                JIM
                      I became an agent.

                                ROBERT
                      What were before that?

                                JIM
                      I was an actor.

                                ROBERT
                      Were you good.

                                JIM
                      Well I thought I was but nobody else did so
                      now I'm an agent.  So listen, if I sign you 
                      you'll make me lots of money, right?

                                ROBERT
                      Of course I will.

                                JIM
                      Okay great, let's give it a try.

                                ROBERT
                      You're signing me.

                                JIM
                      I'm signing you!

                                ROBERT
                      Yes!!!!!  Mr. Tucker, you will not regret
                      this, and when I win the Oscar you'll be
                      the first person I thank.

                                JIM
                      Now listen you need new head shots.  This
                      picture of you sucks. It makes you look mildly
                      retarded.  But don't worry.  I have a
                      photographer I work with, Cooper Davis.  He'll
                      take care of you.  Come with me I'll give you
                      his number.

            SCENE: RICHARD LEAVES ALLEN'S-2:30 A.M.

            Richard comes out naked, carrying his clothes, tiptoeing, he
            begins to change.  Allen comes out putting a robe on.  Richard
            is in a hurry, Allen is not.

                                ALLEN
                      What are you doing?

                                RICHARD
                      I gotta go.

                                ALLEN
                      I wanted you to stay.

                                RICHARD
                      I can't.  I promised Jeffrey I'd stop by before
                      three. 

            Jeffrey enters in robe with coffee cup waiting for Richard.

                                ALLEN
                      How much does he pay you?

                                RICHARD
                      Enough.

                                ALLEN
                      I really wanted you to stay.

                                RICHARD
                      I can't.

                                ALLEN
                      Well, I really wanted you to stay.

                                RICHARD
                      Well, I really can't.

                                ALLEN
                      Fine.

                                RICHARD
                      Don't be pissy.

                                ALLEN
                      Well, it's two thirty.

                                RICHARD
                      Sorry.

                                ALLEN
                      Did you get your money?

                                RICHARD
                      I got it.  Thank you.

            Jeffrey exits.

                                ALLEN
                      Call me tomorrow.

                                RICHARD
                      I will.

                                ALLEN
                      You better.

            Music Cue: Pee Wee Music

            Richard exits.

            SCENE: DOG FOOD SCENE-JIM AND STEVE

            Jim Tucker enters with a dog bowl a dog leash, dog food, wet
            and dry and a dog collar.  He orderly arranges the objects on
            the table.  When he is done, Steve enters.

            Music Cue:  Music fade out

                                STEVE
                      Hey boy, I'm home.

            Jim just smiles at him.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Did you miss me?

            Jim nods yes.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      You ready for dinner big boy?

            Nods his head yes

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Do you need to go for a walk first?

            Jim nods no.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Okay boy, I bet you're hungry.  Are you hungry?

            Jim nods yes.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Okay, time for din-din?

            He pours the dog food into the bowl then puts the wet stuff
            on top.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Yeah that looks yummy.  Eat up boy.  Eat all
                      your food and daddy will give you a big bone!

            Jim does.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Is it good?

            Jim nods yes.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Okay that's enough for now.  I think you need a
                      walk.  You wanna walk?

            Jim nods yes and Steve puts the collar around Jim's neck and
            attaches the leash.

                                STEVE (CONT'D)
                      Okay boy, let's go.

            Steve drags Jim off stage by the leash as Cooper and Robert
            enter.

            SCENE: COOPER & ROBERT

                                COOPER
                      So how long have you been in L.A.?

                                ROBERT
                      About three weeks.

                                COOPER
                      And you're an actor?

                                ROBERT
                      I'm trying to be.

                                COOPER
                      So what do you think of it?

                                ROBERT
                      Of what?

                                COOPER
                      L.A., what do you think of it?

                                ROBERT
                      Oh, I love it.

                                COOPER
                      Really?

                                ROBERT
                      Oh yeah, it's great.

                                COOPER
                      'Cause, you know, most people hate L.A.

                                ROBERT
                      Oh no, I love it.

                                COOPER
                      I love it too, but it's very fashionable to
                      hate L.A.

                                ROBERT
                      Oh no, I really like it.

                                COOPER
                      I travel all over the country and
                      everywhere I go I hear the same fucking
                      thing. "L.A.?  How could you live in LA?"
                      But believe me, when I first got here,
                      believe me, I knew I was home.

                                ROBERT
                      Oh yeah, Cooper, I totally understand cause
                      you just seem very L.A.

                                COOPER
                      What the fuck does that mean?

                                ROBERT
                      What?

                                COOPER
                      I seem "very L.A."?

                                ROBERT
                      Oh, you know.  You just seem like you fit
                      in.

                                COOPER
                      That's not a compliment.

                                ROBERT
                      It isn't?

                                COOPER
                      People here are completely plastic.  Do I
                      seem plastic to you?

                                ROBERT
                      No, not at all.

                                COOPER
                      Then why did you say I seem very L.A.?

                                ROBERT
                      Oh, I was just, you know, I was
                      just...um...you know...just...forget it.

            SCENE: JIM PHONE CALL 1

                                JIM
                      Hey Robert, write this down.  Its your first
                      audition.  Today at four o'clock.  Go to 1356
                      West Melrose Avenue, Suite 209, that's on the
                      second floor, you'll be reading for a really
                      nice guy named Allen Yudder.  He's a friend of
                      mine so don't be late.  It's a national
                      commercial for Blue Boy ice cream, so please
                      don't fuck it up.

            SCENE: ICE CREAM AUDITION #1

                                ALLEN
                      Is our four o'clock here yet?

                                MIKE
                      Not yet.

                                ALLEN
                      What do you know about him?

                                MIKE
                      He's a girl.

                                ALLEN
                      What else?

                                MIKE
                      He's a big girl.

                                ALLEN
                      What else?

                                MIKE
                      He's done Shakespeare.

                                ALLEN
                      Oh great.

            Robert enters.

                                ROBERT
                      Hi guys.

                                ALLEN AND MIKE
                      Hi!!!!!!!

                                ALLEN
                      Hi, are you Robert?

                                ROBERT
                      Hi.

                                ALLEN
                      I'm Allen.

                                ROBERT
                      Am I late?

                                ALLEN
                      No, no, we were just waiting.  So did your agent
                      give you the side?

                                ROBERT
                      No.

                                MIKE
                      He didn't?

                                ROBERT
                      No.

                                ALLEN
                      Oh sorry about that.  Well here's a copy of
                      the side.  Look it over and we'll go when
                      you're ready, you ready?

                                ROBERT
                      Uh....I think so.

            Mike hands Robert a screwdriver.

                                ALLEN
                      Okay, this will be the ice cream cone, take
                      two licks, show us how good it is, then say
                      the line.

                                ROBERT
                      You definitely want two licks or could it
                      be one long one?

                                ALLEN
                      Are you trying to be creative?

                                ROBERT
                      No.

                                ALLEN
                      I'm kidding.  So lick, lick, beat, tag line. 
                      You ready?

                                ROBERT
                      Uh huh.

                                ALLEN
                      Okay, go.

            He takes two licks, beat.

                                ROBERT
                      Now that's good ice cream.

                                ALLEN
                      Try it again.

            Robert repeats action.

                                ROBERT
                      Now that's good ice cream.

                                ALLEN
                      It's like a tad sarcastic.

                                ROBERT
                      Really?

                                ALLEN
                      You have to believe it's the best ice cream
                      in the world.  Go again.

            Robert begins to lick but Allen interrupts.

                                ALLEN (CONT'D)
                      Like you've just won the lottery. Go.

                                ROBERT
                          (repeats action)
                      Now that's good ice cream.

                                ALLEN
                      No it's just, I'm sorry.  You're obviously a
                      really talented actor, but, and don't take this
                      wrong because I'm a big queen myself, but it's
                      like got that gay thing going on.

                                ROBERT
                      Effeminate?

                                ALLEN
                      No, gay like, you know gay like um, like
                      who?

                                MIKE
                      Like um...Ryan Seacrest

                                ALLEN
                      No, it's not that gay...it's just...you
                      know, too gay, too confident.  Too, "Look
                      at me.  I'm gay, I'm well adjusted."  It's
                      like very smug. 
                      Try to discover that the ice cream's good. 
                      Don't already know it. Let it all happen
                      for the first time.  Go.

                                ROBERT
                          (repeats action)
                      Now that's good ice cream.

                                ALLEN
                      Much better!!!

                                MIKE
                      Oh yeah, much better!!!

                                ROBERT
                      Was it less gay?

                                ALLEN
                      Oh, it was a lot less.  Didn't you think?

                                MIKE
                      Oh definitely.

                                ALLEN
                      Great, great.  Robert, thank you so much.

                                ROBERT
                      No thank you!
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.