10NM-OFFICIAL SCRIPT-FAT-_
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            ABOUT 10 NAKED MEN:

            10 Naked Men is not an easy play to make work.  The play
            should be performed and spoken at a break neck speed while
            sounding naturalistic and breezy.  If it doesn't "move" it
            doesn't work.  It requires actors with great comedic timing
            who can talk fast.  The staging should be fast bordering on
            frantic while appearing effortless.  There are no black-outs
            in the show and the endings of scenes should overlap with the
            beginnings of the next.

            ACT I:

            Music Cue:  Pre-show music

            Music Cue:  Pre-show fade out

            SCENE: THE PROLOGUE

            A narrator walks on to the stage…

            Music Cue:  Pre-show fade out

            ...holding a book containing the story we are about to see.

                                NARRATOR
                      Hi.  Welcome to the show.  I'm the narrator.
                      How's everybody doing tonight?
                          (pause, he doesn't really care)
                      That's nice.
                          (pause)
                      A night of live theatre, it's so exciting.  I
                      personally hate going to the theatre, but it's
                      your life, do what you want?  I only appear in
                      plays because my film and T.V. career is in the
                      toilet so...here I am.  Anyway...before we get
                      started were gonna play a little theatre game. 
                      Are you ready?  You all probably hate audience
                      participation but this is a really fun game, its
                      called, "the-turn-off-your fucking-cell phone
                      game."  And here to help us is my lovely
                      assistant Lucinda.

            Mike enters in drag as the assistant holding a cell phone and
            demonstrates the "game".

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      This is how it works.  You take out your cell
                      phone, you find the off button and you push it.
                      Ready?  Okay do it now.  Is everybody's cell
                      phone off?  You better double check because if
                      your phone goes off during the show we will kill
                      you, okay?

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Okay great!  So, is everybody ready?  Okay! Here
                      we go. And...

            Opening the book...

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      ...curtain up!

            Robert enters with a curtain and hangs it up.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Once upon a time there was an actor named Robert
                      from Denver.

                                ROBERT
                          (to audience)
                      Hi.

            He finishes putting up the curtain.

                                NARRATOR
                      He spent four years studying theatre at Denver
                      University, and his senior year he played
                      Shylock in The Merchant of Venice.

            Robert steps out from behind the curtain in full
            Shakespearean garb.

                                ROBERT
                          (as Shylock)
                      He hath disgraced me, and hind'red me half a
                      million, laughed at my losses, mocked at my
                      gains, scorned my nation, thwarted my bargains,
                      cooled my friends, heated mine enemies--and what
                      is his reason?  I am a Jew.

            Robert exits back through the curtain.

                                NARRATOR
                      He was such a major talent that the whole
                      faculty just knew that one day he'd have a shelf
                      full of Tony's, a few Oscars and maybe even an
                      Emmy.

            Kenny enters.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      His best friend Kenny.

                                KENNY
                          (to audience)
                      Hi.

                                NARRATOR
                      Was his biggest fan.

                                ROBERT
                      So, girl, how was I?

                                KENNY
                      Girl, that play was sooo fuckin long.

                                ROBERT
                      Fuck you...

                                NARRATOR
                      Unfortunately after graduating and auditioning
                      for every major theatre company in North
                      America, he was offered only minor roles, in
                      minor Shakespeare festivals, in minor American
                      cities.

            We are now "backstage" and Robert is changing out of his
            Shakespearean costume.

                                ROBERT
                      I can't believe nobody wants me.  I just played
                      Shylock last year in college.

            Robert and Kenny freeze during the narrators next speech.

                                NARRATOR
                      Robert was scared.  He thought of all those
                      actors who had tried and failed.  Lee Majors.
                      Joey Buttafucco.  Susan Lucci.  The entire cast
                      of 'Different Strokes.'

            Still backstage..

                                KENNY
                      You can't have a professional acting career in
                      Denver, Colorado and you know it.

            Robert exits, Kenny heads upstage.

                                NARRATOR
                      Kenny had actually grown up in Southern
                      California.

                                KENNY
                          (turning to the audience)
                      Orange County.

                                NARRATOR
                      Whatever.

            Kenny begins to set up his bank desk on the table behind the
            narrator.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Anyway, he'd always wanted to experience the
                      glamorous life in West Hollywood as a full
                      fledged homosexual.  So upon graduating he
                      packed his bags and headed to West Hollywood.  

            Robert appears in a spotlight on a telephone.  He is talking
            to Kenny who also has a telephone up to his ear.

                                KENNY
                      So are you coming?

                                ROBERT
                      Well can you find me a husband if I come
                      out there?

                                KENNY
                      Girl, I can't even find myself a husband.

            Steve enters.

                                ROBERT
                      Really?  How's the bank?

                                KENNY
                      Oh my God, I have the world's cutest customer.
                      Bye.

            Kenny hangs up on Robert and focuses all of his attention on
            Steve.  It is love at first sight.  Robert exits.

                                KENNY (CONT'D)
                      Sir, I can help you over here.

            Steve walks up to the desk.

                                KENNY (CONT'D)
                      Hi, welcome to Bank of America.  What can I do
                      for you?

                                STEVE
                      I'm interested in opening a new account.

                                KENNY
                      Great. That's what I do.

                                STEVE
                      Great.

                                KENNY
                      I'm Kenny.

                                STEVE
                      Steve.

            They shake hands.

                                KENNY
                      So Steve, do you live in West Hollywood?

                                STEVE
                      Yes.

                                KENNY
                      Do you like it?

                                STEVE
                      What do you think?

                                KENNY
                      I try not to make too many assumptions.

                                STEVE
                      I love it. Do you?

                                KENNY
                      Oh yeah, yeah. I love it. It's great. I grew up
                      in Orange County, so you know.

                                STEVE
                      I grew up in Texas.

                                KENNY
                      Oh wow, did you like it?

                                STEVE
                      No.

                                KENNY
                      Oh.

                                STEVE
                      Did you like Orange County?

                                KENNY
                      No.

                                STEVE
                      Well there you go.

                                KENNY
                      But I love West Hollywood.  So everything's
                      great now.

                                STEVE
                      That's good.

                                KENNY
                      So, Steve, what do you do?

                                STEVE
                      Actually I'm a model.

                                KENNY
                      Wow.

                                STEVE
                      It's no big deal.

                                KENNY
                      So you're in the entertainment industry?

                                STEVE
                      Yep.

                                KENNY
                      I'm sorry.

                                STEVE
                      Oh, come on.

                                KENNY
                      Just kidding. My best friend's an actor so, you
                      know...

            Kenny starts doing the account paperwork.

                                STEVE
                          (flirting)
                      You know you are like the cutest banker I ever
                      met.

                                KENNY
                          (flirting back)
                      Oh stop it.

                                STEVE
                      You are.

                                KENNY
                          (very coy)
                      Oh stop it.

                                STEVE
                      I'm serious, you are.

                                KENNY
                      Okay stop it now. You are totally embarrassing
                      me.

                                STEVE
                      I bet people tell you that all the time.

                                KENNY
                      Okay, mister, checking or savings?

                                STEVE
                      Checking.

                                KENNY
                      Okay, fill this out.

            Steve starts to fill out the form. Kenny watches him. Steve
            catches Kenny looking at him. Steve stops filling out form,
            looks at Kenny seductively. Finally, Steve speaks, with a big
            smile on his face.

                                STEVE
                      So...will you be handling all my deposits?

                                KENNY
                          (shocked)
                      Stop it.

            They both exit off quickly.

                                NARRATOR
                          (to audience)
                      When Jim Carrey first arrived in Los Angeles, he
                      used to sit on top of Mullholland Drive telling
                      himself that if he didn't make it in Hollywood
                      he'd do something really insane and now he's
                      making 20 million a picture.  And although this
                      play is not about Jim Carrey, it is about the
                      absurdity of the entertainment industry and it's
                      about greed and hustling and desperation. In a
                      way I guess it is about Jim Carrey, but more
                      than that...

            The remaining nine cast members file on-stage, naked,
            carrying only black and white lettered  placards that the
            audience can't yet read.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      ....it's about 10 ruthless capitalists whose
                      souls will be laid bare by the end of the night. 
                      Hence the title: 10 Naked Men.

            When the narrator announces "10 Naked Men", the men snap into
            place, freezing with the placards in front of their penises.
            The 9 placards spell out 10 N A K E D M E N.  Each letter is
            on a different placard but the 10 is on one.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Actually the title has nothing to do with
                      the play at all.

                                ALLEN
                      What?

            The cast turn and look at him Allen.

                                ALLEN (CONT'D)
                      I'm sorry that's just tacky.

                                MIKE
                      Oh please, honey...

            The cast turn and look at him

                                JEFFREY
                      ...at least it got people here didn't it?

            The cast look out at the audience.  Suddenly they smile at the
            full house...

                                THE CAST
                          (at same time)
                      Oh that's true, he's right, it did, oh
                      good...

                                NARRATOR
                          (screaming over the cast)
                      Quiet!

            All at once the cast snap back to attention and become quiet.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Anyway.  What was I saying?

            The men flip their cards over, it spells out...

            H O L L Y W O O D

                                NARRATOR
                      Oh, yes.  Hollywood!

            The cast strike glamorous Hollywood poses and freeze.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      If you can make it here they'll hate you in
                      New York.

            Music Cue-Hooray for Hollywood

            As the music plays the cast scamper off stage.  The narrator
            gathers up the bank stuff from the desk and also exits. 
            As he does a miniature pink corvette drives across the top of
            the set, it is being "driven" by a beautiful Barbie dressed all
            in pink who oddly enough resembles L.A. icon, Angelynne!  The
            music continues to play until the beginning of the upcoming
            Steve and Allen scene!  After the car is offstage, Kenny runs
            out in a bathrobe.  He waves at Robert who is offstage.

                                KENNY
                      Robert!!!  Get up here!  Come on baby!
                      Climb those steps!

            Robert comes running down the hallway carrying his suitcase and
            a giant 64 once big gulp cup,  yelling as he runs...

                                ROBERT
                      Baby!!!!!!

            They hug!

                                KENNY
                      Welcome to Hollywood.

                                ROBERT
                      I'm ready for my close up.

                                KENNY
                      Actually, welcome to West Hollywood.

                                ROBERT
                      It's fabulous.

                                Kenny
                      It's better than Denver.

                                ROBERT
                      Honey, everything's better than Denver.

                                KENNY
                      Robert, what are you drinking?

                                ROBERT
                      Diet Coke.

                                KENNY
                      I don't think it's working.  

            SCENE: ALLEN PAYS STEVE

            Steve comes out with clothes in hand.  Allen comes out wrapped
            in a sheet. Steve starts to get dressed.  Allen looks at him for
            a while.  Steve is in a hurry, Allen is not.

                                ALLEN
                      Oh God, that was amazing.  I thoroughly
                      enjoyed myself.  Did you?

                                STEVE
                      It was interesting.

                                ALLEN
                      Here's your money.

                                STEVE
                      Thank you.

                                ALLEN
                      You're so polite.  I have a friend who
                      would go crazy for you.

                                STEVE
                      What does he get into?

                                ALLEN
                      Oh, it's just the cutest thing, he loves to
                      get peed on.

                                STEVE
                      Where?

                                ALLEN
                      In West Hollywood.

                                STEVE
                      No, where does he like to be peed on?

                                ALLEN
                      Oh, at his apartment.

                                STEVE
                      No, I mean where does he want the pee to
                      go?

                                ALLEN
                      Oh, in his mouth.  He likes to drink it. 
                      He has this little tube-underwear mask
                      thing that he puts on that connects you and
                      you pee in the tube and it goes directly
                      into his mouth and he drinks it.

                                STEVE
                      It's like an outfit?

                                ALLEN
                      Yes, exactly.  He's a freak but he has a
                      very nice apartment.

                                STEVE
                      Well speaking of freaks, I better go.  I
                      don't wanna be late.

                                ALLEN
                      You're doing somebody else?

                                STEVE
                      Yeah, and he's kind of an asshole.

                                ALLEN
                      What does he get into?

                                STEVE
                      You don't wanna know.

            SCENE: RICHARD AND JEFFREY INTERVIEW

                                JEFFREY
                      Oh my God.  Richard, this is so cute.

                                RICHARD
                      What?

                                JEFFREY
                      Your resume.  You've only got one credit
                      here, "A Few Good Men".

                                RICHARD
                      They filmed it at Westpoint my senior year. 
                      Remember the last scene where everybody
                      throws their hats up in the air?  I got to
                      be in that scene, and if you freeze frame
                      it on DVD you can see me really clearly.
                      I'm in the third row, second to the left.

                                JEFFREY
                      But you didn't have any lines?

                                RICHARD
                      But I was still acting.  We had to do three
                      different takes and afterwards I ran into
                      the director and he goes, "good job".  I
                      mean, he didn't have to say that. 

                                JEFFREY
                      You really wanna be an actor?

                                RICHARD
                      I got bitten by the acting bug?  What are
                      you gonna do?  Have you heard of the acting
                      bug?

                                JEFFREY
                      Honey, the acting bug has done more damage
                      in this town than the San Andreas fault.

                                RICHARD
                      Who's that?

                                JEFFREY
                      Who what?

                                RICHARD
                      San Andreas?  Who's that?  Is he a
                      director?  Should I know him?

                                JEFFREY
                      Did you see the movie, "Earthquake"?

                                RICHARD
                      Yeah.

                                JEFFREY
                      He directed that.

                                RICHARD
                      So you think you can help me?

                                JEFFREY
                      How's your body?

                                RICHARD
                      Why?

                                JEFFREY
                      Are you in good shape?

                                RICHARD
                      Pretty good.

                                JEFFREY
                      Let me see your chest.

                                RICHARD
                      Why?

                                JEFFREY
                      Because I want to.

                                RICHARD
                      Why?

                                JEFFREY
                      Are you shy?

                                RICHARD
                      No.

                                JEFFREY
                      Then let me see it.
                          (long awkward pause)
                      Oh come on, I'm not gonna rape you

            He laughs at his own little joke.  Richard is not amused but he
            finally does take his shirt off.

                                RICHARD
                      Okay.

                                JEFFREY
                          (awe-struck)
                      Oooo.  Ooooooo.  Very nice.  What am I
                      gonna do with you?

                                RICHARD
                          (flexing his pec muscles)
                      Make me a star.

                                JEFFREY
                          (beat)
                      Can you suck cock?

                                RICHARD
                          (beat)
                      My friends call me Monica.

            SCENE: ROBERT AND KENNY

            Kenny is getting ready for a date.

                                ROBERT
                      So are you ready for your big first date?

                                KENNY 
                      No.  Are you ready for your big first interview.

                                ROBERT
                      No.  I'm nervous.  I never met an agent before.

                                KENNY
                      You'll be fine.  So, how do I look?

                                ROBERT
                      I'm just so jealous!  I can't believe you've
                      been here two months and you're already dating.

                                KENNY
                      You find a boyfriend.

                                ROBERT
                      I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to get
                      laid.

                                KENNY
                      You should hire a hustler out of Frontiers.

                                ROBERT
                      Honey, I do not pay for sex.

                                KENNY
                      I'm just kidding.

                                ROBERT
                      How much are they?

                                KENNY
                      Well, actually, some charge by the pound so that
                      might be a problem for you.

            SCENE: RICHARD AND JEFFREY AT HOUSE

                                RICHARD
                      Holy shit!  You have a beautiful house.

                                JEFFREY
                      Holy shit, you have a beautiful body!  How old
                      are you?

                                RICHARD
                      25.

                                JEFFREY
                      Oh my God.

                                RICHARD
                      Why?  How old are you?

                                JEFFREY
                      Don't worry about it.

            SCENE: STEVE & KENNY ON DATE

                                KENNY
                      Wow, I've never been here before.

                                STEVE
                      It's beautiful, isn't it?

                                KENNY
                      I'm speechless. I don't know what to say.

                                STEVE
                      Are you warm enough?

                                KENNY
                      Are you?

                                STEVE
                      I could be warmer.

                                KENNY
                      Oh really?

                                STEVE
                      Come here.

            Pulls him close.

                                KENNY
                      I'm getting warmer.

                                STEVE
                      You are a very attractive man.

                                KENNY
                      You know, I don't usually do this.

                                STEVE
                      Do what?

                                KENNY
                      This dating thing. It kind of scares me.

                                STEVE
                      What are you afraid of?

                                KENNY
                      You just seem too good. I'm a cynic. I know I
                      shouldn't be, but I am.

                                STEVE
                      A twenty-four year old cynic. That's what should
                      scare you.

                                KENNY
                      How old are you?

                                STEVE
                      It doesn't matter, I'm not cynical.

                                KENNY
                      Well, maybe I'm not cynical but I'm cautious.

                                STEVE
                      There's nothing wrong with caution.  We'll go as
                      slow as you want.

            They kiss, then pull back and look at each other for a long
            time.  They kiss again and the next scene starts.

            SCENE: ICE CREAM PITCH-MIKE AND ALLEN

                                ALLEN
                      So I had this boy over last night and he was
                      gorgeous but...

                                MIKE
                      Where did you find him?

                                ALLEN
                      I found him in the back of Frontiers.  He was
                      cheap, a hundred bucks.

                                MIKE
                      Did he look like his picture?

                                ALLEN
                      Oh please, they never do, so I told him, I said,
                      "Honey, you do not look like your picture", and
                      I sent him home.  And now I've been horny all
                      fucking day. 

                                MIKE
                      You sent him home.

                                ALLEN
                      Yes.  False advertising.  Which reminds me, did
                      you call the people at Blueboy?

                                MIKE
                      The people at Blueboy are being very difficult.
                      The guy in charge of promotions goes, "we want
                      Blueboy ice cream to become America's ice
                      cream".  So, I came up with a tag line: "Now
                      that's good ice cream".

                                ALLEN
                      Now that's good ice cream?

                                MIKE
                      Yeah, now that's good ice cream.  And every week
                      we run a different commercial with a different
                      person saying it.  One week a famous person says
                      it and the next week a nobody.  So the
                      commercials give the impression that the whole
                      country is obsessed with blue boy ice cream.
                      What do you think? 

                                ALLEN
                      I don't know.  I can't think straight, I'm too
                      horny.  I need a blowjob.  I need a fucking
                      blowjob.  I need to feel the head of my cock in
                      the back of someone's throat.

                                MIKE
                      Allen.

                                ALLEN
                      Don't you ever get like that?

                                MIKE
                      I'm a bottom.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.