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    PRE-SET
SCENE: ROYS OFFICE-NYC-AFTERNOON
ROY
Do you know what they’re calling you upstairs? They’re calling you the next John Grisham."
JACK
I don’t want to be the next John Grisham.
ROY
Do you know how much money a writer like John Grisham makes? Do you know how rich Tom Clancy is? Danielle Steele is a gazillionaire.
JACK
Five minutes ago I was John Grisham now I’m Danielle Steele. Who do you want me to be? I can’t keep up with you.
ROY
Just don’t be afraid of success that’s all I’m saying. Success is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Here’s your check. Say something.
JACK
This a is a lot of money.
ROY
And it’s only the beginning. You keep writing best sellers and those checks will start doubling and tripling. Listen, I hate to rush out but I’ve got a meeting across town in less than...
JACK
No, no it’s fine.
ROY
And don’t lose that check. Come on I’ll walk you to the corner.
And they both exit.
SCENE: THE BLUE ROSE
Dolores performs a number. Live.
SCENE: THE BLUE ROSE
SUZETTE
Good job?
DOLORES
Oh? Did you watch my number?
SUZETTE
No I heard it.
DOLORES
How could you hear it with all the talking back here?

SUZETTE
No one was talking.
DOLORES
Someone was talking.
SUZETTE
Well I wasn’t.
DOLORES
Well someone was talking.
SUZETTE
Oh please, as if we all just sit around trying to sabotage your numbers.
DOLORES
Is it too much to ask that when I’m on stage, working my ass off to have a little peace and quiet back here. It’s like every time I’m on stage...
SUZETTE
See this is the problem with you...
DOLORES
Let me finish...
SUZETTE
No this is the problem with you.
DOLORES
I don’t have a problem.
SUZETTE
No the problem with you and this has always been your problem is that you think your Barbra Streisand at Carnegie Hall and you’re not. You are an entertaining distraction in a roach infested drag bar called the Blue Rose. They put us up there so the customers won’t notice how bad the drinks are. If you would like to perform at Carnegie Hall then you should go to Carnegie hall, I’m sure they would love to have you! But as long as you are here, you need to learn how to talk to us? I wasn’t aware of anyone talking back here but if they were it is none of your Goddamm business. If you wanna work your mouth do it out there but don’t bring your bullshit back here. Backstage is for dressing not for bitching. The only thing worse than a delusional drag queen is a delusional transsexual. That’s it I’m done! I have nothing more to say. Do you?
(pause)
Have a nice night. See you tomorrow.
SCENE: ROY AND LINDA’S APT-NYC-6:30 P.M.
Linda is home alone with her new purchases looking in mirror. Roy comes home from the office. He sees all the purchases and is disturbed.
ROY
Jesus Christ, how much money did you spend today
LINDA
Don’t worry about it.
ROY
I do worry about it.
LINDA
Well don’t, were rich.
ROY
We’re well off, we’re not rich.
LINDA
Anyone who makes more than 200,000 a year is considered rich.
ROY
According to who?
LINDA
According to the government. Poverty is anyone who makes less than 12,000 a year and rich is anything over 200,00. So you know what that means? That means that we are very, very, very rich
ROY
But the government takes a third so were only very very rich
LINDA
We’re rich Roy, for Gods sake, why can’t you just enjoy it? Jesus Christ! All you do is worry.
ROY
Its my job to worry.
LINDA
No, its your job to make money. So go make us some more money, and leave me the fuck alone.
SCENE: DOLORES ALEXENDERS’ APARTMENT-HARLEM-1979-3 A.M.
DOLORES
Joey, I’m home.
(pause)
Joey?
(pause)
Joey?
Dolores sits and waits alone in her apt. Finally the door opens and Joey enters, he shuts the door and stands there still.
DOLORES (cont’d)
Its 3 AM Joey.
JOEY
Yeah?
DOLORES
My show was over at eleven.
JOEY
I know, I was...
DOLORES
I waited at the club till midnight and finally when you didn't show up I took a cab and I've been sitting here waiting ever since...
JOEY
I told you not to wait for me.
DOLORES
What you told me was that you'd pick me up at eleven and we'd go out to...
JOEY
Yeah but you know if I'm a half an hour late you should go on without me.
DOLORES
Joey please.
JOEY
You shouldn't have waited.
DOLORES
You should grow up.
JOEY
I'm sorry I was...
DOLORES
I'm sure you have some fabulous excuse.
JOEY
I do.
DOLORES
And I don't care.
JOEY
Honey.
DOLORES
Don't touch me, please.
JOEY
Baby.
DOLORES
I said don't touch me.
JOEY
Listen.
DOLORES
No you listen, I'm really tired of your bullshit, Joey. I'm tired of your lame excuses.
JOEY
Can I talk?
DOLORES
All you ever do is talk but you never say anything and I'm through listening to it. I'm doing the talking tonight.
JOEY
I promise it won't happen again.
DOLORES
You're right, it won't happen again because tomorrow you won't be here.
JOEY
Where will I be?
DOLORES
You won't be around to bother me anymore that's for damn sure.
JOEY
Dolores!
DOLORES
If I was a man I'd kick your teeth in.
(Pause)
Did you bring me anything to eat.
JOEY
Sweet and sour pork.
DOLORES
From where?
JOEY
Around the corner.
DOLORES
Which one?
JOEY
That Chinese place around the corner.
DOLORES
Which one Joey?
JOEY
Ming Palace.
DOLORES
Fuck you.
JOEY
I'm sorry.
DOLORES
You know I hate their food.
JOEY
It was the only one open.
DOLORES
I hate their sweet and sour.
JOEY
I'm sorry.
DOLORES
You know I hate their food.
JOEY
Fung Thai was closed.
DOLORES
Fuck you.
JOEY
It was closed. What was I supposed to do?
DOLORES
Fung Thai's open till 1. If you'd picked me up at 11 we could have made it.
JOEY
I'm sorry.
DOLORES
I'm starving Joey.
JOEY
I'm sorry.
DOLORES
You try performing with Suzette.
JOEY
I know.
DOLORES
I have to put up with her bullshit all night and what do I get?
(No answer)
Second rate sweet and sour from Ming fucking Palace. Fuck you Joey.
JOEY
I'm sorry.
DOLORES
You're a total waste of time. You know that?
(No answer)
Say yes.
JOEY
Yes.
DOLORES
A complete and total waste of time.
JOEY
I'm sorry.
DOLORES
How many times have I told you I hate Ming Palace?
JOEY
I know.
DOLORES
How many times?
JOEY
I know.
DOLORES
And what do you bring me?
JOEY
I said I was sorry.
DOLORES
What language do I need to speak to be heard by you?
JOEY
I won't get their food again.
DOLORES
Go heat it up and put a lot of Teriyaki on it.
JOEY
You got it.
He goes off in to the kitchen. She sits and broods.
SCENE: JACK WAKES UP AND TRIES TO WRITE
Jack comes out. Naked. Just waking up. He goes off-stage to the bathroom. We hear him peeing. He goes to his front door. Gets the newspaper. Stands and reads the front page. Starts his laptop. Watches it start up. Goes and gets a can of coke, opens it and drinks it. Sits down. Starts to type. Can’t think of anything. Stares. Goes and gets another can of coke. Tries to write some more. Can’t think of anything. Then goes off to get breakfast. Comes back with cereal in a bowl. Eats it. There is a knock at the door. It is Roy. They talk at the door and eventually Jack lets him in and Jack puts on a robe.
ROY
Can I come in?
JACK
No.
ROY
Please.
JACK
What are you doing here?
ROY
What are you doing?
JACK
Eating breakfast.
ROY
Why?
JACK
Because it’s morning.
ROY
Its 1 PM.
JACK
It feels like morning to me.
ROY
You should be writing.
JACK
I’m eating.
ROY
Well stop eating and start writing.
JACK
Roy, what did I say about pressure. I don’t respond to pressure.
ROY
Yeah well I don’t respond to poverty. Even if you started a second book. That's if. Even if you started a second book tomorrow it wouldn't be on the shelves for a year.
JACK
I can't think of anything to write about.
ROY
Jack, I have a very expensive mortgage, and a very expensive wife and I love you but I also love my job. We gave you an advance of 2.5 million dollars over two years ago. 2.5 million, Jack, 2.5 fucking million dollars. It’s not funny, Jack. Six months and no first draft, I understand. Fear of failure, fear of success, writer's block, the sophomore slump, whatever. Six months is fine.
But when it gets to a year and I don't even have an outline, then I start to worry and after 18 months I start to think maybe I've been had. Maybe the great literary find of 2002 is really just a one book wonder. Maybe that's all there is. Which would be fine except for the small problem of a 2.5 million advance that I issued you over 23 months ago.
JACK
Are you done?
Roy leaves. Jack is alone. He shuts down the laptop. Goes off.
SCENE: DOLORES APT.-SAME AS BEFORE-MOMENTS LATER
Joey brings the food out for Dolores. She begins to eat.
JOEY
How's your dinner?
She shoots him a look of total disdain.
DOLORES
Would you please go take a shower.
JOEY
What's wrong?
DOLORES
You smell.
JOEY
No I don't.
DOLORES
If you love me you'll take a shower.
JOEY
What do I get?
DOLORES
I'll give you a rub down.
JOEY
Promise?
DOLORES
Yes.
JOEY
You're not just saying that?
DOLORES
Would you please go take a shower before I kill you?
JOEY
I love it when you're cruel.
DOLORES
Good. Now go before I throw up.
JOEY
You're a fucking bitch.
DOLORES
That's why you love me.
JOEY
Do you love me?
DOLORES
To death.
JOEY
Can I have a kiss?
DOLORES
After your shower.
JOEY
Don't go anywhere.
DOLORES
I live here, you're the one whose leaving.
JOEY
You know you can't live without me.
DOLORES
Go take your shower.
JOEY
Dolores...
DOLORES
What.
JOEY
I'll never stand you up again.
DOLORES
You're right.
He heads for the shower.
DOLORES (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(under her breath)
Maybe I'll stand you up.
(pause)
Maybe I'll stand you up in the closet.
JOEY
What?
DOLORES
I said hurry up.
SCENE: ROY AND LINDA’S APT
LINDA
How was your meeting with Jack.
ROY
Not good.
LINDA
Is he writing?
ROY
No.
LINDA
Does he have any ideas for a second book?
ROY
No.
LINDA
What does he want to be a one hit wonder? What’s the name of that guy who wrote The Garden of Good and Evil?
ROY
John Berendt.
LINDA
Does he wanna be the next John Berendt? I think it’s time to tell him about Lisa Newell story.
ROY
I don’t want to talk about her.
LINDA
Fear is good, Roy. Fear inspires people. Scare him. Just a little bit.
SCENE: THE RUBDOWN
Dolores goes to get her “massage supplies”. She lays out a sheet and lights a candle. There is a bowl with some fresh fruit and a knife. Joey comes in wearing only a towel. He is still wet. He sees the romantic candles and assume they represent a peace offering...
JOEY
OOOO, I guess I'm forgiven.
DOLORES
I don’t think so.
JOEY
I'm all clean.
He kisses her.
DOLORES
You smell better.
JOEY
I scrubbed every inch.
DOLORES
How sweet.
JOEY
I'm ready for my rubdown.
DOLORES
You sure?
JOEY
(lying down)
Um hum.
DOLORES
Do you want some apple?
JOEY
Actually, do we have any candy?
DOLORES
No.
JOEY
I wanted candy.
DOLORES
Its not good for you. Eat some apple.
JOEY
No, I'm fine.
DOLORES
Okay, Pouty, what kind do you want.
JOEY
I want Snickers.
DOLORES
Hold on.
She goes to get him some candy then she comes back and gives him the candy.
JOEY
Thank you.
She begins the oil rubdown.
DOLORES
I'm gonna miss you Joey.
JOEY
You're not really gonna kick me out.
DOLORES
I think it's time for you to move on.
JOEY
Oh God that feels good.
DOLORES
I want you to be happy on your last night.
JOEY
I'm happy.
She continues to massage him.
JOEY (cont’d)
You're the one who's unhappy.
DOLORES
(After a long pause)
Joey, why are you such a loser?
JOEY
What?
DOLORES
Shhhh. Just tell me. Quietly.
JOEY
I'm not.
DOLORES
The more we're together the more I realize what a useless person you are.
JOEY
Don't say that.
DOLORES
What good do you bring the world?
JOEY
What are you talking about?
DOLORES
How do you earn the space you take up? What do you give back to the world? Why should the world keep you around?
JOEY
Why are you being so mean to me?
DOLORES
I'm not being mean.
JOEY
You're being cruel.
DOLORES
Tell me.
JOEY
Knock it off.
Long silence.
DOLORES
Joey I love you, I do. I have never loved anyone as much as I've loved you, but I do believe that we have to face reality and reality is not kind to you. Reality reveals what a useless person you are.
JOEY
Dolores!
DOLORES
Don't raise your voice, you'll ruin the mood.
JOEY
Are you listening to yourself.
DOLORES
Why are you shocked?
JOEY
You're being nasty.
DOLORES
Nasty is you Joey. Nasty is leaving me standing on a corner for eighty minutes, that's nasty Joey. That's disrespect. Nothing I'm saying is cruel. You mistake honesty for cruelty. You hurt me but I'm not allowed to tell you about it?
JOEY
I don't mean to hurt you.
DOLORES
I know you don't, but you do and that's why your life is so futile. You have no control you are completely unaware of the people around you. You bounce through life with no regard for who or what you knock over. You don't help Harlem and Harlem needs help. The world needs good people and you are not a good person.
JOEY
Why are you saying this?
DOLORES
Why? You brought this on yourself. You have hurt me so deeply so many times and it means nothing to you.
JOEY
Because I was late.
DOLORES
Because you're always late. You will always be late. You're a millennium behind. You're Cro-Magnon. You never do anything you say you'll do. I give you everything. You need money I give it to you. You need food I give it to you. You come and go whenever you want. You say you'll call, you don't. You say you'll pick me up, you don't. You say you'll come to my show, you don't. You wouldn't have clothes if I didn't buy them. They wouldn't be clean if I didn't clean them, and I'm tired of it and everyone who knows you is tired of it.
JOEY
Who?
DOLORES
Everyone. No one likes you.
JOEY
People like me.
DOLORES
Who?
JOEY
Gus likes me.
DOLORES
Gus likes you cause you share your drugs with him. Drugs that I pay for, sit up.
JOEY
I have a lot of friends.
DOLORES
No you don't. People tolerate you but no one cares about you. No one thinks about you when you're not around, no one admires you. Lean over.
He leans over so he is now sitting on his legs facing the audience and when she says "lean over" he puts his face toward the floor and his back is arched.
DOLORES (cont’d)
Can I be completely honest with you?
(Joey doesn't answer)
When you die no one will miss you. Don't you think that's sad.
JOEY
You'll miss me.
DOLORES
Not much.
JOEY
Look at yourself Dolores, you're an overweight half man, half woman, lip synching freak. You didn't even have the guts to cut your fucking dick off. You're so damned deluded. You say no one cares about me well no one cares about you either. You think those fucking queens at the Blue Rose give a shit about you. You're just something freaky for them to look at when they get drunk. You're a free acid trip. They don't care about you. They don't think about you when you're not in the room and they won't miss you when you're dead either. In fact Suzette 'll probably be relieved because then she'll have the spotlight all to herself. You won't get rid of me because I'm all you have. No one would fuck you except me and if you didn't have me then where would you be, you fat piece of shit. You don't want to need me that's true, but you do, so shut the fuck up and keep rubbing my back before I slap the shit out of you.
They sit for a long time.
DOLORES
Joey?
JOEY
(Long pause)
What?
DOLORES
Fuck you.
She slits his throat! It should be shocking and gruesome but clean. She holds him as his breath flows out. A music cue plays as lights fade. As the music plays we see Dolores wrap Joey up in the sheet he was laying in. She gets silver electric tape and puts it around him. She then carries or pulls him to a door/closet and puts him inside.
SCENE: ROY AND LINDA’S APT.
LINDA
Do you ever think about killing yourself?
ROY
No. Do you?
LINDA
Yes...all the time.
ROY
You think about killing yourself?
LINDA
No, you! I think about killing you! I think about going to sleep without the sound of your snoring. I think about having the house to myself. I think about your shriveled penis and your fear of cunnilingus and your life insurance policy and I picture you falling off our balcony and I begin to smile. If you ever have the balls to kill yourself please do it while I’m young enough to enjoy it. Don’t wait til I’m in a coma at 78. Do it before I turn 50. Give me something to celebrate.
There is a rambunctious knock at the door. They do not move. They are too weary to move. Another knock. They both slowly turn and stare at the door. More knocking.
LINDA (cont’d)
I’ll get it.
She opens the door.
LINDA (cont’d)
Oh my God. What a sweet surprise. Come in, come in. Honey, look what the cat drug in.
JACK
Am I interrupting.
LINDA
No, not at all. Oh, honey you look wonderful. You must be drinking lots of water your skin looks so clear. Let me take your jacket.
JACK
Hi, Roy.
ROY
Hey, what brings you to our neck of the woods.
JACK
I can’t sleep. I have the best news. It’s gone. It passed. It’s over. I’ve been writing non-stop for the last 12 hours. This book...my new book...it’s brilliant. It’s funny and witty and insightful. The first 3 chapters move like a hurricane. I can already picture the reviews. I thought I was washed up. The words are just flowing. Sit down, sit down. Can we do this now?
LINDA
Of course, darling. It’s so exciting. Our Shakespeare has come home. Isn’t it exciting, honey?
JACK
I’ve summarized the story and chapters on page one.
ROY
Drag Queen's and Mummies?
JACK
It’s a working title.
LINDA
Drag Queens and Mummies? That’s the title?
JACK
It’s filled with sex and violence, Roy. That’s what you wanted, right? You said keep alot of sex and violence in it.
(pause)
Read the synopsis. Trust me it’s a great story. I found it in an old copy of the New Yorker but this story isn’t an article it’s a book, it’s a novel it’s an epic, it’s a movie. And I’m gonna write it. It focuses on a homosexual transvestite but try to look past that. She’s just a metaphor for the country, read the synopsis.
LINDA
On August 21, 1994 Dolores Alexander, a popular Harlem drag performer died of an AIDS related illness in her Harlem apartment. When her friends cleared out her apartment a week after her death, they found propped up in her closet a perfectly preserved corpse wrapped in fabric. Forensic tests and a food wrapper revealed that the man had been dead for over twenty years. The man was later identified as one Joey Whittle. This is your next book?
JACK
Our next book. We’re gonna make a fortune.
ROY
You're gonna write a book about a homosexual who kept his boyfriend in a closet? Am I following this correctly?
JACK
She really existed. It's a true story. I've divided the book into four parts. In the first part we see Dolores performing on stage in Harlem. Then we see her at home with Joey. Then she plans the murder, then she kills him and puts him in the closet. The last part deals with the finding of the corpse and what happens when they take him out of the closet 20 years later. When the book begins, it’s 1979. Dolores is sitting alone in her apartment. It’s dark. She’s brooding. She’s waiting for him to come home. She’s fed up with him. She knows she’s gonna kill him. He walks through the door and you can feel the tension in the room. He knows he’s in trouble. You don’t cross Dolores Alexander. That was the other title I was toying with, “Crossing Dolores”, you know like “Crossing Delancey” but I think “Draq Queens and Mummies” is better. What do you think?
LINDA
That’s a faggot book. You’re gonna write a Goddammed faggot book?
JACK
It’s not about homosexuality, it’s about evolution. Transexuals are the new species, they’re an advanced sex, a new creature. Homosexuals and heterosexuals are dinosaurs. Everything evolves. Breasts and penises. Man and woman in one. It’s the perfect human. We know frogs can change their sexes. It’s time for us to catch up with the animal kingdom. Our old ideas about sex roles are oppressive and limited. This book is about the future. It’s about Darwinism. It’s about America. It’s about the world.
LINDA
Jack, do you want a sex change, is that what you’re trying to tell us because if you do, that’s fucked-up.
JACK
Gay topics are very popular right now.
ROY
Not with me.
JACK
Everybody's gay these days.
ROY
I’m not.
LINDA
Are you?
JACK
You know I'm not.
ROY
Well if you write this book everyone's gonna think that you are. And you know what you'll be? A "gay" writer.
LINDA
You'll be Jack Shepard, the "gay" writer.
JACK
That's not true.
LINDA
Are you trying to destroy us?
ROY
Do you want to see me have a heart attack, right here? Is that what you really want?
JACK
No.
LINDA
You know this is such typical writer bullshit a young writer comes along full of creativity writes a great first book. Rave reviews, best seller lists, endorsements from Oprah and then what happens. The second book is a ridiculous piece of indulgent embarrassing shit. I see it happen over and over and over. Why do you wanna go down that path?
JACK
Why do you need to insult me?
LINDA
Because this is ridiculous. You come in here with nothing. This is nothing, this idea, this outline, this piece of shit, this faggot nonsense, this is nothing, no it’s worse than nothing, it’s insulting.
JACK
You know my next book is guaranteed to do at least half of my first one.
ROY
Wrong.
LINDA
Wrong.
ROY & LINDA
Wrong.
JACK
Statistics say...
ROY
Forget statistics.
LINDA
Forget about this homo shit.
JACK
Your right forget it. Let’s forget the whole thing. Fine. Fuck it. I won’t write a second book. I need to go.
LINDA
Sit down.
JACK
No, I’m going, I’ll call you...
LINDA
SIT DOWN!!!
Jack is shocked, unsure of what to do.
ROY
Jack remember when we first met and I had that bandage on my nose and I told you I’d run in to a door. Do you remember that?
Jack does not respond.
ROY (cont’d)
I lied Roy. It wasn’t a door. It was Linda, she beat the shit out of me.
(pause)
If I were you I’d sit down.
Jack sits.
LINDA
Thank you. Now I’m gonna tell you what were gonna do. Roy’s gonna send out a press release saying that you're writing a new thriller and that you've promised a chapter a week until it's done.
JACK
I can't do that.
LINDA
You have no choice.
JACK
I can't do a chapter a week.
LINDA
You have to do it. Because if you don't I will have you killed and you won't publish another novel because you'll be dead. Have you ever been dead before, Jack?
JACK
Excuse me?
ROY
Jack, do you like ghost stories?
JACK
You want me to write a ghost story?
ROY
No, I wanna tell you one, but I have to warn you, it’s very, very scary.
JACK
Okay tell me.
ROY
This is a story about a brilliant young writer who had a best-seller, got a big advance and then one day, just disappeared.
LINDA
Her name was Lisa Newell.
ROY
Lisa was a very talented young writer.
LINDA
Roy discovered her.
ROY
Her first manuscript was 800 pages long. No one reads a first draft that long from an unknown writer but I did. I read the whole thing. Cover to cover. And I knew she had something. She had a voice. She was fresh. She was innocent. I called her in we talked and we fell in love. Not romantically, but professionally. Like us. You remind me of her.
JACK
So what happened?
LINDA
Roy published her, and it was a complete disaster.
JACK
It didn’t sell?
ROY
No. It sold, and it sold and it sold and it sold and it sold. It never stopped selling. 23 weeks on the best-seller list. It ruined her. It paralyzed her. She couldn’t write again. I begged her to try, I pleaded with her, I screamed at her, "Lisa you have to write a second novel!" But she couldn’t! I threw money at her, but it didn’t help. She was afraid of the sophomore slump. She was terrified of it. She would call me up late at night and cry and cry. She wanted to write again, but she couldn’t. I wanted to kill her. And I should have too, but I never got the chance.
JACK
She killed herself?
ROY
I don’t know.
LINDA
No one knows.
ROY
One day she disappeared.
LINDA
One day she was just gone.
ROY
Her phone was disconnected, her apartment empty and her car left behind. She simply vanished. Into thin air. Like a ghost. Never to be heard from again. A rumor started that she moved to Spain to live in an artists colony, but I don’t know if it’s true or not. All I know is she left owing my company a lot of money. So you know what the point of this story is, Jack?
LINDA
You go home now and you write us a book, OK?
He thinks to himself, “why did they tell me that creepy story?” He gets up. Scared. Unsure. Leaves.
SCENE: SUZETTE DOES A NUMBER AT THE BLUE ROSE.
SCENE: THE BLUE ROSE-BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM
Suzette is in her dressing room. There is a knock at the door.
SUZETTE
One second.
She arranges herself in to a glamorous position.
SUZETTE (cont’d)
Come in.
JACK
Hi, are you Suzette Fernandez?
SUZETTE
Do, I know you?
JACK
No, my names Jack Shepard, I’m a writer, I was hoping to talk with you for something I’m writing.
SUZETTE
What are you writing?
JACK
A book.
SUZETTE
You write books.
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
You get paid to do that.
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
I don’t like books. I like movies.
(pause)
So what’s your book about?
JACK
It concerns the death of Joey Whittle. Did you know him?
SUZETTE
You wanna write a book about Joey Whittle?
JACK
I’m thinking about it.
SUZETTE
And you’ll get paid for it?
JACK
Well, uh, yes.
SUZETTE
How much?
JACK
Well it depends on how well the book does?
SUZETTE
Like how much?
JACK
It’s always a crapshoot.
SUZETTE
Make an estimate. Let’s assume you write a book, and no one buys it. How much will you get?
(pause)
Tell me or leave.
(pause)
Okay, bye.
(pause)
Mr. Shepard you may go now.
JACK
2.5 million dollars.
There is a long pause.
SUZETTE
Do you know how much they pay me a night to perform here?
(pause)
Take a guess.
JACK
I have no idea.
SUZETTE
40 dollars. And 2 free drinks. That’s 160 dollars a week. Obviously, I’m in the wrong business. I should be a writer.
JACK
So can I ask you some questions?
SUZETTE
You just did.
JACK
Can I ask you another one?
SUZETTE
And what do I get?
(pause)
You have nothing to offer me.
JACK
Can I buy you dinner.
SUZETTE
Dinner? No! Dinners. Yes. You’ll be buying me lots of dinners.
JACK
I have no problem with that.
SUZETTE
You know, I discovered the corpse. I found Mr. Joey Whittle. I unwrapped him. Surely that’s worth something.
JACK
I understand your position.
SUZETTE
I’m not a cheap or easy date Mr. Shepard. I like fine wine, fine food, and large penises. Can you provide those things.
JACK
The first two are not a problem.
SUZETTE
Well, we’ll have to work on the third one. Let’s go.
SCENE: ROY AND LINDA CALL GEORGE
ROY
Hey George, its Roy Waters. I just had an incredible meeting with Jack Shepard. He presented me an opening chapter that is beyond belief. It's beyond genius. I'm telling you, this novel is going to be big and I think I can cut you a great excerpt deal. It's scheduled for a November release. And I know that's only six months away but I'm telling you this book is going to be huge. Wait, Linda wants to say hi...
Linda takes phone.
LINDA
Hi, George, its Linda. I read the first chapter, too. Oh it’s so good. It’s just...oh it’s just so good. I got goosebumps.
ROY
Hi George it’s me again. Isn’t she cute. Anyway call me when you get this message. I ran into Tommy from the Post last week and he asked about Jacks next book but I told him I’m sure we’d go with the Times. You know where my loyalties lie.
(pause)
I think we just got cut off.
LINDA
Well call back and leave another one, what’s wrong with you?
ROY
I’m not gonna leave three thousand messages. I don’t want us to look desperate.
LINDA
We are desperate.
ROY
I know but we don’t wanna look it.
LINDA
Oh, for Christs sake, gimme that fucking phone.
SCENE: JACK HAS COFFEE WITH SUZETTE
JACK
Did she ever talk badly about Joey?
SUZETTE
Never.
JACK
She never complained about him?
SUZETTE
Nope.
JACK
How did she explain his disappearance?
SUZETTE
You have to understand what kind of woman we're talking about.
JACK
Tell me.
SUZETTE
She was an intensely private person, extremely dignified. If she was miserable no one knew.
JACK
So do you think she's capable of murder?
SUZETTE
Maybe.
JACK
She cut his throat right?
SUZETTE
Well, I can't picture it, but, yes his throat was cut and, yes, he was in her closet.
JACK
And you were in the apartment a lot?
SUZETTE
But, that closet door was never open.
JACK
And there was no stench?
SUZETTE
None.
JACK
Were you around Joey very often?
SUZETTE
I met him but we never went out or anything.
JACK
Do you know if he was abusive?
SUZETTE
Aren't all men?
JACK
Not me.
SUZETTE
If he did abuse her I'm sure she abused him right back. Dolores could be a fucking bitch. I'm sure they deserved each other.
JACK
So you think she did kill him?
SUZETTE
Is that what they teach you in reporter school? Just keep asking the same question til you get the answer you want.
JACK
Sorry.
SUZETTE
Besides they're both dead, so who cares. Didn't you ever want to kill anyone?
JACK
No.
SUZETTE
I could give you a list of 20 people I'd kill right now if I thought I could get away with it, but it's just so hard to get away with.
JACK
Did Dolores ever mention...
SUZETTE
Can we talk about something else for a while? This is so boring. Let's talk about something interesting. Let's talk about me. Let's pretend we're on a talk show and you're the host and I'm the most interesting guest you've ever had on. Ask me questions about me. Ask me anything.
JACK
What did if feel like to get your dick cut off?
SUZETTE
Good question.
SCENE: ROY CALLS AGAIN
ROY
Jack it’s Roy. We’re having lunch with George Brannan from the New York Times next Tuesday and I told him you’d tell him the plot and show him a first chapter so I hope to God your sitting at your computer typing right now! Please call me back as soon as you get this message. Were not fucking around anymore.
SCENE: MORE INTERVIEWS
SUZETTE
When I was on Jenny Jones I told her I had my dick cut off, but actually I still have it.
JACK
You mean it's still attached?
SUZETTE
Yeah, I like it. I like standing up when I pee. I like jacking off. I like fucking my lovers up the ass. It comes in handy, it's a very practical organ.
JACK
So you're not a total woman.
SUZETTE
Oh yes I am. I am definitely a total woman.
JACK
Did Dolores cut hers off?
SUZETTE
You just can't get enough of her can you?
JACK
Well, I am writing a book about her.
SUZETTE
You should write a book about me. Dolores can be a sub-plot. Who wants to read about dead people?
JACK
So you don't know if Dolores still had her penis.
SUZETTE
I never saw it but maybe she had one and just hid it. Some people hide them better than others, like The Crying Game. Did you see The Crying Game?
JACK
Yes
SUZETTE
Did you notice a bump when she wore those tight skirts?
JACK
I don't remember one.
SUZETTE
That's how Dolores was, no bump.
JACK
Did you identify with The Crying Game?
SUZETTE
Honey, I am The Crying Game. The question is, did you identify with The Crying Game?
JACK
What do you mean?
SUZETTE
Turn that off.
JACK
Why?
She turns off the tape recorder.
SUZETTE
I want to know if you identified with The Crying Game.
JACK
Yes, I liked it.
SUZETTE
But, did you love it.
JACK
I liked it.
SUZETTE
Did you like it alot?
JACK
I liked it.
SUZETTE
What did you like about it?
JACK
I liked, what did I like? I liked the acting?
SUZETTE
You didn't like the idea.
JACK
Which idea.
SUZETTE
Sleeping with Jaye Davidson?
JACK
Oh.
SUZETTE
Would you ever do that?
JACK
Sleep with Jaye Davidson?
SUZETTE
A girl with a dick.
JACK
Uh, I don't think so.
SUZETTE
Why?
JACK
It's just not something I've ever thought of.
SUZETTE
When you saw The Crying Game you didn't think, hum, I wonder what that would be like?
JACK
Actually no.
SUZETTE
What did you think?
JACK
I didn't think anything.
SUZETTE
You're a liar.
JACK
I didn't.
SUZETTE
Every time I meet someone I imagine having sex with them.
JACK
Everyone?
SUZETTE
Even you.
JACK
Really?
SUZETTE
Especially you.
JACK
Oh.
SUZETTE
I like men like you.
JACK
Like what?
SUZETTE
Boring.
JACK
Am I boring you?
SUZETTE
No, but you're boring. Your life is boring. I like that in a man.
JACK
Boring?
SUZETTE
You're simple you're not outrageous.
JACK
No, I'm not.
SUZETTE
That turns me on.
JACK
Really?
SUZETTE
Would you like to see me naked?
JACK
Umm...
SUZETTE
Are you hard?
JACK
No.
SUZETTE
I am.
JACK
Oh.
SUZETTE
I live alone we could go back to my house.
JACK
I'm not sure we should do that.
SUZETTE
Why.
JACK
I don't know.
SUZETTE
Are you married?
JACK
No.
SUZETTE
Aren't you a writer. Aren't writers supposed to get inside of their subjects?
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
Well, then let's go.
JACK
Suzette ...
SUZETTE
Didn't you come to Harlem to interview me.
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
You came here to see me?
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
Then see me.

She takes his hand puts it on her dick.
SUZETTE (cont’d)
Do you feel that?
JACK
Yes
SUZETTE
Don't you want to see it?
JACK
Maybe.
SUZETTE
Maybe or yes?
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
Well then.
JACK
I'm just not...
SUZETTE
You're scared.
JACK
No.
SUZETTE
What are you scared of?
JACK
I'm not scared.
SUZETTE
You are because you're not repulsed.
JACK
You're right.
SUZETTE
If you were repulsed you'd leave, when people don't want to be somewhere they leave.
JACK
That's true.
SUZETTE
And you're still here.
JACK
Yes I am.
SUZETTE
But you haven't said lets go either.
JACK
No I haven't.
SUZETTE
Because you're scared.
JACK
I'm nervous.
SUZETTE
So what are we gonna do about that?
JACK
I don't know.
SUZETTE
I do. Come on. It’s okay if your afraid. Fear is good, especially during sex.
SCENE: ROY CALLS AGAIN
As they talk they keep grabbing the phone from each other
ROY
Jack, it’s Roy and Linda. We want to apologize about the other night. I know things got rough but we just want you to know how much we believe in you.
LINDA
Jack, it’s Linda, I know I can be difficult. I’m sorry, I just get emotional. If I didn’t believe in you so much I wouldn’t be so passionate. I just want you to have another great success.
ROY
What were trying to say is that were truly sorry, things got said...
LINDA
Things got said in the heat of moment, you know we love you.
ROY
We love you man.
LINDA
You know we love you.
ROY
So listen, I’m still planning on lunch with the Times on Tuesday, so call me when you get a minute to confirm okay.
LINDA
Call us honey.
ROY
Okay, I’m waiting for your call.
LINDA
Call us.
ROY
Bye, for now.
LINDA
Byyyyye.
ROY
Call us.
LINDA
Call us honey.
They hang up.
SCENE: POST SEX
SUZETTE
Are you okay?
JACK
I’m great.
SUZETTE
Are you sure?
JACK
No.
(pause)
So what was it like growing up in Harlem?
SUZETTE
Oh God.
(pause)
You do love your questions don’t you.
(pause)
Well I was always very feminine and the kids in school would always call me names like faggot. Well when I got into High School, I still didn't fit in but I would sneak into local gay bars where I started participating in drag shows and going home with gay men.
JACK
How old were you?
SUZETTE
Seventeen. But I wasn't really attracted to them.
JACK
What do you mean?
SUZETTE
Well they were gay.
JACK
Uh huh.
SUZETTE
I was attracted to straight men. Boring everyday types. Like you. Like my father. And when I was about eighteen and a half I realized I wasn't gay.
JACK
What were you?
SUZETTE
A woman. A heterosexual woman attracted to heterosexual men.
JACK
Do you mean you were turning into a heterosexual woman?
SUZETTE
Not physically, but inside I knew that's what I was. It was a very confusing time for me.
JACK
So what happened?
SUZETTE
Well on my nineteenth birthday I met Dolores, who was going through the same thing, and we became very close and I realized that's what I needed to do.
JACK
Get a sex change?
SUZETTE
Yes, because I never really was a man.
JACK
So it was an easy decision.
SUZETTE
Very easy. And on my twentieth birthday, a year later, I bought myself these.
(Indicates breasts)
And it was the most wonderful day of my life. Twenty years is a long time. It's a long time to live a lie. And when I look back on the first twenty years, I don't feel like it was my life. That was a different person. That wasn't me, that was someone else. I feel no connection to that person. Oh god.
JACK
What.
SUZETTE
Do you believe in love at first sight?
JACK
I’m not sure what I believe right now.
SUZETTE
I rocked your world, didn’t I?
Jack laughs and is overwhelmed at the same time.
SCENE: ROY AND LINDAS APARTMENT
LINDA
You better call us back motherfucker, I’ve had just about enough of this bullshit!!! Who the fuck do you think you are, you can’t just ignore us. I want you on my doorstep with a Goddamn book in your hand within 24 hours or I’m gonna come over there...
Knock at the door. Roy opens door and Jack is there. Jack walks in and locks eyes with Linda.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(into phone)
You just walked in. Uh...bye.
(she hangs up)
Where the hell have you been?
JACK
I thought you guys might want to read this.
ROY
Where the hell have you been?
JACK
Just read it.
ROY
What is it?
JACK
It's the last chapter of my book.
He gives a look to Jack filled with a million emotions, then slowly opens the package, and begins to read.
ROY
(reading)
"She came onstage and his whole life changed.
Suzette enters, also reading.
ROY & SUZETTE
She sang like a bird...
SUZETTE
...and moved like a snake. He was transfixed. His wanted to leave but he couldn’t. He was paralyzed by her beauty. She was a revelation. Instantly, he was in love. Within seconds his intrigue turned to obsession. He had to meet her. Dolores Alexander was her name and before the year was over she would slit his throat!
LINDA
Oh my God!!! Just shoot me. Seriously just put me out of my misery. Get me a gun! The only thing wose than bad writing is bad faggot writing.
JACK
My contract says you get the first option on my second book and this is my second book.
ROY
Why won't you work with us?
JACK
Maybe I am just a one hit wonder.
ROY
Nobody thinks that.
LINDA
I do!
ROY
Linda, shut-up!
JACK
My first book made me very rich and it made you guys even more money than I'm getting, and the fact is that I don't need to do another book and I certainly don't have a third one ready and right now I’m following my heart.
LINDA
To bankruptcy.
Roy shoots her a look.
JACK
I don’t spend money the way you guys do. I have plenty to last me. If not I’ll go back to teaching. I can’t write for you guys, I have to write for me, surely you understand that. I would love to be the savior of Simon & Schuster but I'm not. I'm a mediocre academic who struggled for a long time to make ends meet and I got lucky with a first novel and now I'm rich and I want to enjoy my life. I think I’m in love. Try to think back to a time when you guys loved each other. Before the money and the mortgages. Remember how it felt to feel young and hopeful and naive. That’s how I feel right now...and it’s wonderful. And I want to hold on to that feeling. I wrote my first book because I needed an adventure. I was dying in academia. That book took me on a wonderful trip around the world and made me feel alive again. But then the pressure showed up. I shouldn’t have taken the advance. I believed my own press. I started to believe I was a great writer. But I was wrong. I just got lucky. I don’t want to be a writer. I want to be a person. I want to be simple. Life flies by. I don’t want to die rich and famous and miserable. I don’t wanna fight with you guys anymore. I want go rollerblading and watch sitcoms and read People magazine. I want to enjoy the dumbing down of America. I’m sick of the New York Times. I’m sick of C-Span. I don’t want to see another movie with subtitles. I want to make love.
ROY
So what are you gonna do?
JACK
I'm moving to Harlem.
LINDA
What?
JACK
You know Harlem.
ROY
I know Harlem.
JACK
I wanna live there
LINDA
Nobody wants to live there
JACK
I’m starting a life there
LINDA
There is no life there.
JACK
I found one.
ROY
You met someone.
JACK
Maybe.
ROY
What's her name?
JACK
Don't worry about it.
ROY
Come on.
JACK
No.
ROY
Are you getting married?
JACK
No.
ROY
So what are you gonna do?
JACK
I don't know.
LINDA
You're just gonna hang out in Harlem? Well that’s just super.
ROY
And then what?
JACK
Who knows.
ROY
You’re insane
JACK
I’m sorry. Do you hate me?
LINDA
(controlled rage)
Get the fuck out of my house.
ROY
Our house.
LINDA
What?
ROY
Our house. Get the fuck out of “our” house.
LINDA
Whatever! Get the fuck out!!!
Jack leaves. They are devastated.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
This is a big problem Roy
ROY
I know it’s a big problem
LINDA
No, I don’t think you do. I can not be poor again
ROY
I know.
LINDA
I need money Roy. Money makes me very happy.
ROY
Me too.
LINDA
He was supposed to be our cash cow.
ROY
What do you want me to do? Hold a gun to his head?
LINDA
Yes! And pull the trigger. We’re gonna have to kill him, period, it’s that simple.
ROY
That’s funny
LINDA
Do I sound like I’m joking. Roy? I am dead serious. I’ll write his books.
ROY
You’re not a writer
LINDA
How hard could it be, it’s just typing.
ROY
Are you listening to yourself?
LINDA
What’s the alternative. Lose the apartment. Move to the west side. Take cabs again. No thank you.
ROY
We’ll go to jail.
LINDA
We’re white, we’re rich there’s nothing to worry about. They won’t even question us.
ROY
I don’t have the stomach for that again.
LINDA
They never found Lisa Newell did they?
ROY
She was hispanic, they never looked.
LINDA
Well, she’s in eight different states by now.
ROY
You’re insane.
LINDA
I have it all worked out.
SCENE: THE BLUE ROSE-BACK STAGE
Dolores performs one final number.
SCENE: ROY CALLS JACK
ROY
Jack its Roy. Roy Waters. I have something to tell you and you’re not gonna believe it but I actually sat down and read the whole book. I read it with an open mind and...well...are you sitting down? Jack, I love it. You’re a genius. We’re gonna publish it.
SCENE: SUZETTE COMES ON READING THE BOOK
SUZETTE
They're gonna publish it?
JACK
That’s what they said.
SUZETTE
That’s good right
JACK
Are you kidding? It’s great!
SCENE: JACK CALLS ROY
ROY
And I have a pretty big check for you, plus a bottle of champagne from the big guys upstairs. Can I bring it over?
(pause)
Is this a bad time? It doesn’t have to be today but it’s a pretty big check and I’d like to give it to you in person. Jack that’s why its called a bonus. It’s a surprise but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. Okay where do you live?
(pause)
Broadway at 147th St. It’s 1511 W. 147th Apt number 2d.
Linda writes down the address as Roy speaks.
ROY (cont’d)
I’ll be there in half an hour.
They hang up, Roy looks at his wife for a long time.
ROY (cont’d)
You know I hate you for this.
LINDA
Don’t think about it.
ROY
We’re gonna kill him.
LINDA
He’s killing us
ROY
He’s a person.
LINDA
He’s a writer.
ROY
He’s a man.
LINDA
He’s a child.
ROY
That makes it worse
LINDA
Don’t think about it. Lets go!
They exit.
SCENE: SUZETTES APT.
Jack is tidying up the apt. Flowers in a vase etc.
Roy arrives.
They make small talk.
Open the bottle of wine.
They drink and talk.
Finally Roy gives him the bogus-bonus check envelope with nothing inside but a note.
Jack takes the note out and reads it…
JACK
(reading the note)
"You’re dead?"
(to Roy)
What does that mean?
After a look, Roy lunges toward him. They fight with bare hands. Roy strangles him. Jack dies.
Roy calls on his cell phone to his wife.
ROY
It’s done.
Then Suzette is at the door knocking.
SUZETTE
Jack open up open I have groceries. Hurry honey. Don’t make me look for my keys.
Roy hangs up with wife and turns off all lights and hides.
SUZETTE (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Okay, too late now!
She comes in.
She enters suspiciously
SUZETTE
Are you home?
She enters dark apartment.
She turns on the light.
She sees the mess, she sees Jack dead.
SUZETTE
Oh my God.
She drops the groceries.
SUZETTE
Oh my God.
She goes to make 911 call but before 911 picks up she is strangled with the phone cord by Roy who appears from behind.
When he is sure she is dead and all is quiet he calls his wife again on the cell phone.
ROY
I killed his roommate.
(pause)
I can’t tell.
(pause)
I think it’s a man...
(pause)
...or an ugly woman. I’m not sure. Get over here.
Roy gets the bodies and takes em in the bathroom. Stage left. He drags Suzette into bathroom first.
While off-stage. Jack, dizzy, begins to sit up.
He is very dizzy.
Roy goes and gets a knife from kitchen. Stage right
He does not see Jack sitting up in living room.
Comes back with large knife. Stops center. Examines it. Does not think it’s big enough to cut up Suzette so he goes back to kitchen for a bigger knife. Stage right.
Jack tries to stand but he can’t. From offstage we hear Roy in the kitchen rattling knife drawers.
Jack collapses again making a loud thud sound as he drops. The offstage rattling ceases and Roy comes back into the room. But now all is silent. Roy looks around the living room suspiciously trying to find out where the noise came from. Now has a bigger knife and finally after deciding all is fine he heads back to the bathroom. Stage left.
We hear him cutting up her body from off-stage.
It sounds like a juicy watermelon being crushed. The louder and grosser the better.
Blood spurts in streams onstage from bathroom doorway.
ROY
Oh Shit!!!
Blood stops.
He continues cutting.
More blood.
ROY
Goddamnit bitch!!!
Blood stops again.
The chopping sounds continue as well as bone-cracking noises.
Jack, half-dead, tries to stand.
He finally gets up and is hit with a blood spurt shooting from off-stage.
He wipes off the blood that hits him and looks at it and quivers and faints, he hits the floor again making a loud thud and the chopping ceases.
Roy enters the room and looks around. He is covered in blood.
Jack is back on floor, not moving.
Roy takes out his cell phone, dials his wife and waits for her to pick up. All is totally silent.
Boom!!! Boom!!! Boom!!! Jack jumps out of his skin. (Hopefully the audience does too)
Roy goes to door.
ROY
Who is it?
LINDA
Avon! Who the fuck you think it is???
Roy opens the door Linda comes in carrying two huge suitcases.
LINDA
Look at you
ROY
I killed two people.
LINDA
You told me that already. Here, I got another suitcase
ROY
Linda, I killed two people.
LINDA
What about Lisa Newell?
ROY
No, I mean tonight. I killed two people tonight.
LINDA
And get over it. God damn, look at you. That shirt is ruined. Where is she?
ROY
She has a penis.
LINDA
It’s a man?
ROY
No, it has tits too.
LINDA
That is sick! Where is it?
ROY
In the bathroom.
LINDA
Is that him?
ROY
Come on. I wanna get out here.
LINDA
Calm down.
ROY
Lets hurry.
LINDA
Calm down.
ROY
I’m scared.
LINDA
Calm down. Jesus!
She goes to Jack. Looks down at him.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(to Jack)
Little shit! Now call the Writers Guild.
(she laughs)
ROY
Linda come on. Did you bring it?
LINDA
Hold on it’s in the suitcase.
She goes to suitcase, opens it and pulls out a chainsaw. She starts it up.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Then they both go into the bathroom, and start chain-sawing.
More blood flying but now more like a river.
Jack gets up, he is still half-concious. The blood is spraying all over him.
Finally it stops.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Goddamn she is big boned.
ROY
She’s a man.
LINDA
Whatever it is, it’s big boned.
Jack looks around goes to kitchen gets a knife comes out looks at it is not big enough-goes and gets another one-a bigger one. He is ready for battle!!!
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(from off-stage) )
Did you know he was into this?
ROY
(from off-stage) )
No, but I should have guessed it. All writing is autobiographical. Writers hate to admit but its true.
Jack hides with his knife.
LINDA
So what do you call someone whose into this?
ROY
Fucked up?
LINDA
Go get him and drag him in here.
Roy enters the living room.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
And bring the glad-bags.
Jack is nowhere in sight.
Roy realizes that Jack is gone. He turns white as a sheet.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Did you hear me?
ROY
He’s gone.
LINDA
I said bring the glad bags.
ROY
He’s gone!
LINDA
What?
ROY
He’s gone I’m telling you he’s gone?
Jack yells and jumps out swinging-they struggle but Jack has the advantage with the knife and Roy is unarmed.
Linda comes in and watches. She is screaming.
LINDA
Stop it!!! Stop it!!! What are you doing???
Jack is furiously killing Roy.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Noooo stop it!! That’s my husband!!!
Roy goes down. He is dead.
Silence.
Linda is in shock and now terrified.
Jack slowly rises from his kill and looks at Linda with pure hatred.
He is going to kill her.
He begins to advance toward her.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
No, come on, it wasn’t my idea, he made me do it, he threatened me, he abused me for years. No, please, understand, I’m begging you!
She runs off into the bathroom and Jack runs after her.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Nooooooooo!!!!!!
They are now both off-stage.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
You motherfucker!!!!!!!!!
We hear the chainsaw start up and immediatly Jack runs back out, chased by Linda with the chainsaw.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
LINDA (cont’d)
You are dead! You motherfucker. Come on! Bring it on. You want a piece of me! Come on. I dare you!!! You’ll be fish food in two hours.
Jack lunges and with one swing…..
Linda kills him!!!
She is the only living thing on-stage.
She is thrilled with her victory but unhappy with the mess.
She pulls out the super huge glad bags from the other suitcase opens them up and goes into the bathroom.
One by one she drags Jack and Roy into the bathroom. (stage left)
After she gets both off-stage we here more chain-sawing noise.
After a bit she comes back with two huge dripping glad-bags of body parts.
She drops one in each suitcase.
Goes back and returns with two more and puts them in each suitcase again.
She seals the suitcases.
Music plays.
She hauls the suitcases outside.
Dolores appears dressed in white.
SCENE: DOLORES AND JOEY FINAL SCENE.
Dolores enters and slowly walks to "closet door". She opens it to reveal Joey, still wrapped in the sheet she wrapped him in. She takes him down stage, and unwraps him. After a moment she puts her hand on his belly and he breathes. He slowly sits up and after taking in the room around him he speaks.
JOEY
Twenty years is a long time to be in a closet.
DOLORES
I know.
JOEY
Because I was late?
DOLORES
And because of the sweet and sour and a million other reasons you'll never understand.
JOEY
I guess it doesn't matter now.
DOLORES
That's true.
JOEY
So what's up?
DOLORES
I'm dying Joey.
JOEY
It's not that bad.
DOLORES
If I knew how awful it is I wouldn't have put you through it.
JOEY
Don't worry about it.
DOLORES
Do you hate it?
JOEY
What?
DOLORES
Being dead.
JOEY
It's boring.
DOLORES
It scares me.
JOEY
Well you've never been dead before. It's really not that bad. There's worse things to be.
DOLORES
Like what?
JOEY
I don't know.
DOLORES
I should have buried you.
JOEY
Why didn't you?
DOLORES
I was scared.
JOEY
So why are you dying.
DOLORES
I have this new disease.
JOEY
What?
DOLORES
It's a new thing.
JOEY
And it kills you?
DOLORES
Basically.
JOEY
Is it painful?
DOLORES
I don't want to talk about it.
JOEY
What do you want to talk about?
DOLORES
Nothing really. I just wanted to see you. I miss you.
JOEY
Really?
DOLORES
I do.
JOEY
You said you wouldn't
DOLORES
I was wrong. I didn't know.
JOEY
I've missed you too.
DOLORES
I have something for you.
She hands him a Snickers.
JOEY
Oh my God.
DOLORES
I know it's not much.
JOEY
It's huge.
DOLORES
It's a King Size. They're making everything bigger these days.
JOEY
Wow.
DOLORES
There's been lots of changes.
JOEY
What else?
DOLORES
Everything.
JOEY
Like what?
DOLORES
Just everything. Everything's different. You wouldn't recognize the world anymore. They let Suzette be on T.V.
JOEY
Suzette?
DOLORES
They put her on T.V. and she talked about her tit operation to Sally Jesse.
JOEY
Who’s that?
DOLORES
She’s on T.V. too.
JOEY
They let Suzette be on TV?
DOLORES
Yeah, and she talked about us. And then a guy wrote a book about me killing you...
Linda takes out a laptop and starts typing...
DOLORES (cont'd)
...and while he was writing the book he fell in love with Suzette but the publisher didn’t like the book so he killed the writer but the writer didn’t die so the wife killed the writer but the husband was already dead and so the husband killed Suzette too but that was before the husband got killed. But the wife got away with it and she told everyone that the writer and her husband fell in love and they moved to Spain together and now she just forges their signatures and she writes a book every year under the dead writers name, but she tells everyone that Jacks writing them, but of course he’s not, because he’s dead, but nobody cares because the books are good and people keep buying them, and Linda doesn’t care cause because she’s filthy rich now and really, really, really, really, really, happy and single and a lesbian and even though were not rich Joey were still famous. So its all good, right?
JOEY
People know I was in the closet for twenty years?
DOLORES
Yeah. Its all in the book..
JOEY
You and me?
DOLORES
We were on the cover of New York magazine.
JOEY
What’s that?
DOLORES
It’s a magazine.
JOEY
About what?
DOLORES
New York.
JOEY
Cool.
DOLORES
Its kinda easy to be famous these days.
JOEY
Oh.
DOLORES
But it's really great seeing you again.
JOEY
You've lost weight.
DOLORES
AIDS.
JOEY
Diet Aids?
DOLORES
No, that's the name of my disease.
JOEY
It's called AIDS?
DOLORES
Yeah.
JOEY
That's a weird name for a disease that kills you. AIDS sounds so helpful.
DOLORES
Well it's not.
JOEY
So when are you expected to die?
DOLORES
I'm not sure. I might be dead already.
JOEY
You don't know?
DOLORES
This disease really fucks up your senses.
JOEY
Oh.
DOLORES
I may be dead now.
JOEY
Do you want to get a place together after you die?
DOLORES
That would be nice. Do you have a girlfriend?
JOEY
No, I'm available.
DOLORES
I think I am too.
JOEY
You died?
DOLORES
Just now. Oh God. It's so quiet. It’s so peaceful. How do I look?
JOEY
You look good.
DOLORES
This disease really fucks up your skin.
JOEY
No, you look nice.
DOLORES
Thank you. So do you.
They kiss, lights fade to black and the only light left on stage is the light from Lindas laptop. She is finishing Jacks novel. We hear the eerie sound of her typing. She is done. The typing ends. She is satisfied.
LINDA
The end.
She shuts the laptop and the stage goes black.
Black out
CURTAIN CALL]