Scene 8 Isaac And Steve Talk About Parents, Richard Comes In
RICH I’m really sorry I’m late. I’m so sorry. There was a really hot guy in the sauna. He kept cruising me, but he wouldn’t leave the sauna. What’s a girl to do?
ISAAC We’ve both been waiting.
RICH I know, I know. I’m sorry.
BOTH "I’ll never be late again."
RICH I promise.
STEVE Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RICH Isaac, do you have any more Diet Coke?
ISAAC Sorry, these were the last two.
RICH Oh my God. You guys are so fucking thoughtless. You knew I was coming over. Let’s go. I have to get some Diet Coke. Come on let’s go.
STEVE It’s too late.
RICH No, it’s not.
STEVE It’s too late.
RICH You guys are total wimps.
ISAAC So what happened?
ISAAC In the sauna.
RICH Well I kept waiting and finally I just gave up. Fuck him, right? Though he was totally hot. I mean hot. Total blue collar. Just the way I like ‘em. Kind of rough around the edges, kind of intense. The kind that will hold your head down and make you gag.
STEVE Richard, my God!
RICH So I’m getting dressed and he comes up to me in his towel and says “Wait for me outside.” In this quiet, intense, hushed voice like a Russian spy or something, “Wait for me outside.” And I was already late so I thought what’s another ten minutes? You guys would have done the same thing.
STEVE Not me. I don’t cruise the sauna.
RICH Everyone cruises the sauna.
STEVE Not me.
RICH Everyone. Anyway, so I’m waiting for him outside and when he finally comes out 20 minutes later he’s a totally different person. Everything matches. The hair is perfect, he’s wearing some cheesy cologne, a beautiful little watch, oh so cute and tasteful. And he comes running up to me and in this nellie-ass voice he says “Hi, thanks for waiting.” And of course I’m thinking to myself that is so not blue collar.
ISAAC How many times do I have to tell you that straight men do not go to the YMCA.
RICH I know, I always forget.
ISAAC Wishful thinking?
RICH He looked perfect. Why did he have to get dressed and talk?
STEVE So what did you do?
RICH I gave him a wrong number.
STEVE That is so mean.
RICH Everyone does that.
ISAAC Justify, Richard, justify.
ISAAC You’re like those guys on the phone line who say they’re gonna come over but never show up.
RICH Yeah, because you describe yourself first and then you make the date, and by then it’s too late to go back and say “Ok I’ll come over but this is what I really look like.” I mean come on. You don’t want them to know you lied.