EXCERPTS: ALL SCRIPTS

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EXCERPTS:

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Scene 8  Isaac And Steve Talk About Parents, Richard Comes In

RICH     I’m really sorry I’m late.  I’m so sorry.  There was a really hot guy in the sauna.  He kept cruising me, but he wouldn’t leave the sauna.  What’s a girl to do?

ISAAC     We’ve both been waiting.

RICH     I know, I know.  I’m sorry.

BOTH     "I’ll never be late again."

RICH     I promise.

STEVE     Yeah, yeah, yeah.

RICH     Isaac, do you have any more Diet Coke?

ISAAC     Sorry, these were the last two.

RICH     Oh my God.  You guys are so fucking thoughtless.  You knew I was coming over.  Let’s go.  I have to get some Diet Coke.  Come on let’s go.

STEVE     It’s too late.

RICH     No, it’s not.

STEVE     It’s too late.

RICH      You guys are total wimps.

ISAAC     So what happened?

RICH     When?

ISAAC     In the sauna.

RICH     Well I kept waiting and finally I just gave up.  Fuck him, right?  Though he was totally hot.  I mean hot.  Total blue collar.  Just the way I like ‘em.  Kind of rough around the edges, kind of intense.  The kind that will hold your head down and make you gag.

STEVE     Richard, my God!

RICH     So I’m getting dressed and he comes up to me in his towel and says “Wait for me outside.”  In this quiet, intense, hushed voice like a Russian spy or something, “Wait for me outside.”  And I was already late so I thought what’s another ten minutes?  You guys would have done the same thing.

STEVE     Not me.  I don’t cruise the sauna.

RICH     Everyone cruises the sauna.

STEVE     Not me.

RICH     Everyone.  Anyway, so I’m waiting for him outside and when he finally comes out 20 minutes later he’s a totally different person.  Everything matches.  The hair is perfect, he’s wearing some cheesy cologne, a beautiful little watch, oh so cute and tasteful.  And he comes running up to me and in this nellie-ass voice he says “Hi, thanks for waiting.”  And of course I’m thinking to myself that is so not blue collar.

ISAAC     How many times do I have to tell you that straight men do not go to the YMCA.

RICH     I know, I always forget.

ISAAC     Wishful thinking?

RICH     He looked perfect.  Why did he have to get dressed and talk?

STEVE     So what did you do?

RICH     I gave him a wrong number.

STEVE     That is so mean.

RICH     Everyone does that.

ISAAC     Justify, Richard, justify.

RICH     Everyone.

ISAAC     You’re like those guys on the phone line who say they’re gonna come over but never show up.

RICH     Yeah, because you describe yourself first and then you make the date, and by then it’s too late to go back and say “Ok I’ll come over but this is what I really look like.”  I mean come on.  You don’t want them to know you lied.

 

   
       
         
 

 

Scene 3  Isaac Visits Michael

(Michael enters from SL, Isaac from SR and stands behind door.  Michael adjusts his sweater, another doorbell and Michael answers door.  Scene is played directly in front of the doorway.)

MIKE     Umm.  Hi, come in.

ISAAC     Thanks.

MIKE     Uh, you got here fast.

ISAAC     Well, you know.

MIKE     Yeah.  Do you want something to drink?

ISAAC     No, I’m fine.

MIKE     You’re sure?

ISAAC     Yeah.

MIKE     I have Coke, Diet Coke, beer...

ISAAC     No.  I’m totally fine.

MIKE     Water?

ISAAC     No, really.  I'm fine.

MIKE     Ok.

ISAAC     I’m just really horny.

MIKE     You know umm, you don’t really look like how you described yourself on the phone.

ISAAC     I don’t?

MIKE     No.

ISAAC     Really?

MIKE     No.

ISAAC     What did I say?

MIKE     You said you were 150.  (Weight can change depending on the actors but there should always be a 10 pound difference.)

ISAAC     Yeah?

MIKE     You’re not 150.

ISAAC     I’m not?

MIKE     No.

ISAAC     Oh, I thought I was.

MIKE     You’re at least 170.

ISAAC     Really?

MIKE     At least.

ISAAC     Well.  I’m sorry.

MIKE     I’m 170.

ISAAC     Really?

MIKE     And I just like guys who are smaller.

ISAAC     Smaller than me?

MIKE     Yeah.

ISAAC     Oh, sorry.

MIKE     Oh, it’s Ok, it’s just...

ISAAC     You don’t want to do it?

MIKE     Uh... no.

ISAAC     Oh.  (They stand staring at each other.  Lights change, Mike exits SR, Isaac SL.)

 

     
         
 

 

Scene 4  Bill’s Call To The B.A.R.

BILL     (DL on phone.)  Listen, I’ve been on hold here for 15 minutes and before that I got cut off.  This is the second time this has happened.  I dropped off my ad in person last Friday before the noon deadline and I picked up the paper today and it’s not in there.  This is the second time this happened.  I’m sure the check will manage to go through my account but where the hell is the ad?  Yeah, it’s Bill Berkowitz.  It said  “Thick dad dick for eager young son.”  and then it had my phone number.  Thick dad dick.  No I made it into one word.  T-H-I-K-D-A-D-I-K.  Thikdadik, like didactic.  I don’t want to hold again, I don’t have another 15 minutes.  Wait.  (He is put on hold again.)  Goddamnit. 

 

     
         
 

 

Scene 1  Isaac And His Sex Addiction

ISAAC   

I lived in New York for two years and I was very promiscuous.  Well, a close friend was kind enough to inform me that I was “sexually compulsive” and talked me into going to an S.A. meeting.  Sexaholics Anonymous.  My friend said he had achieved sexual sobriety and serenity and that I could too.

So I went, and no kidding, half of New York was there.  I kept looking for around for Mayor Koch.  So we start off by standing in a circle holding hands and we recite the S.A. prayer about God granting us the ability to let go of our need to suck cock.  Something like that, I don't know.  And of course I end up holding the hand of the most gorgeous guy I’d ever seen.  (Guy appears in a spotlight.)  Kind of like him, but not him.  (Guy exits.)  Well, I start getting a raging hard-on and I have to kind of push my butt back like this so no one will notice.  And then we sat down which I was grateful for, and everyone starts talking about their sexual activities.  Which I loved, because usually I have to pay two dollars a minute to hear this kind of talk and here I was getting it for free.

Well, the first guy says “I was on my tenth day of sexual sobriety but then I slipped and I went to Riverside Park to get a blow job.”  And of course I’m going Riverside Park, Riverside Park.  Where is that again?  And another guy says “I was sucking dick in Macy’s bathroom and it left me feeling so empty.”  But he didn’t say which floor the bathroom was on which really pissed me off.

So finally the meeting ended and I ran.  To Riverside Park.  And I swear within a half hour the bushes were filled.  With men from the meeting.  I was so grateful to my friend for telling me about this group and I couldn’t wait for next week to find out about more cruising spots.  But after about a month of going, I started to think that maybe I did have a problem.  Maybe I was a sex addict.  Doesn’t that sound awful?  Sex addict.  Well, six months later I moved to Fresno, California to finish a degree.  Don’t ask.  And I vowed that my anonymous sex days were over.  No more parks.  No more porno theaters.  No more sex clubs.  And I was serious.  I really thought it was behind me.

So it’s my first day in Fresno and I wake up at 8 AM on a Sunday morning with nothing to do.  So I decided to pay a little visit to the Fresno Zoo in Roeding Park.  Is sounded wholesome enough.  So I get there around 9:30 and there were like twenty cars circling the park.  And I think “My, what a popular zoo.  I wonder why no one is parking.  And I wonder why these men didn’t bring their families.”  And all of a sudden, eureka, there I was like Christopher Columbus discovering the New World.

I’ve heard that salmon return to the same place each year to spawn.  And that they have no trouble finding the right place.  I love that don’t you?  It’s like they have to go.  They have to spawn.  They don’t go to meetings to talk through their addiction to spawning.  They just do it.  It’s their nature and they accept it.  My little poodle Michael, spends half his day humping everything in the house and he’s so happy.  He’s so satisfied.  And when my friends come over they say “How cute, how sweet.”  No one ever says “Get that dog in a twelve step program.  That dog is a sex addict.  That dog needs to find sexual serenity.”  If the dog wants to fuck, it fucks.  I like that.