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Arthur and Jamie

Arthur                  It's a lot better to be in a porno than in a jack-off show.

Jamie                  Why?

Arthur                  It just is.

Jamie                  Why.

Arthur                  Would you rather be in a play or a movie?

Jamie                  Neither.

Arthur                  Well if you were an actor you'd rather be in a movie because anyone can be in a play, but you have to be good to be in a movie.

Jamie                  That's not true.

Arthur                  When was the last time you went to a play?

Jamie                  I don't remember.

Arthur                  Exactly.  Nobody goes to plays anymore and nobody wants to be in 'em.  But movies are a lot different, they're exciting.

Jamie                  Are you saying doing a jack-off show is the same thing as being in a play?

Arthur                  Kind of.

Jamie                  How?

Arthur                  Well there's a stage and an audience and lights.

Jamie                  There's no script.

Arthur                  So it's more like improv.  Whatever.  The point is you can make more money being in a jack-off show over a play and you can make more money being in a porno over  a jack-off show and Ray is a greedy son of a bitch.  So I need you to go to the Campus Theater or whatever basement he's dancing in and tell him that I really, really need him for Cops.



Jack                  I went to an open call for greeting cards and when I got there they told me that they were for nude cards, you know the ones that fold out and the guy's naked?

Linda                  No.

Jack                  They fold out, like there's three or four sections like a playboy centerfold.

Linda                  Anyway.  Go on.

Jack                  So I told them I wasn't interested but they gave me their card and said if I changed my mind to call them.  So after three weeks of no prospects I called them up and asked about money and they told me how much I could make.

Linda                  How much.

Jack                  It was decent.

Linda                  How much.

Jack                  Five hundred for the shoot and a percentage of cards sold.  But they said that a lot of them get sold in mainstream stores and that people might recognize me.  So I told them about you and they said that a lot of young actors can make more money doing porn films and since it was a specific market, I could probably keep a low profile.  So I thought about it and I agreed to make one. 

Linda                  When?

Jack                  About a year ago.

Linda                  Oh my God.  This is a nightmare.

Jack                  I'm sorry.

Linda                  Go on.

Jack                  So that's when I got the nine hundred for the day's shoot.  Remember?

Linda                  You said it was for educational videos Jack.

Jack                  What was I supposed to tell you?

Linda                  Educational videos?

Jack                  I'm sorry.

Linda                  How many have you made?

Jack                  Four.

Linda                  Oh my God.

Jack                  For the money Linda.  I did it for the money.  I thought my acting career would get going and that would be it.

Linda                  Didn't you play Hamlet at C.U.?

Jack                  Laertes

Linda                  Whatever.  The point is that I married and actor.  I agreed to support and actor not a porn star.  I married an actor.

Jack                  There was no work Linda.

Linda                  I don't see how that justifies making pornos.

Jack                  What was I supposed to do?

Linda                  Not make pornos.

Jack                  It was good money.

Linda                  All that money over the last year for acting was for porno films?

Jack                  Yes.

Linda                  You didn't make one educational video?

Jack                  No.

Linda                  I'm gonna be sick.

Jack                  I'm sorry.

Linda                  Don't talk. (Long pause).  OK listen.  I'm gonna go throw up and them I'm gonna take a shower, and then I'm gonna come back here and I'm gonna cut your dick off.  I'll be 20 minutes.  (She crosses to the door.)

Jack                  Linda.

Linda                  Shut up.  (Turning back.)

Jack                  Linda.

Linda                  Shut up.  Please shut up.  Don't go anywhere.  (She exits through the door, slamming it behind her.  Jack sits for a moment and then exits out the door.  )




Jamie and Arthur

Ray                  This guy was following me around in Safeway last night and I finally said 'Can I help you?' and he goes 'Ray Tanner right?'

Jamie                  You always get recognized.

Ray                  He goes Body Shop is my favorite porno.  I've seen it eighty-four times.

Jamie                  These queens are obsessive.

Ray                  Well he told me he'd pay me anything to recreate one of the scenes.

Jamie                  Which scene?

Ray                  The one in the classroom after school where I fucked the teacher on the desk.

Jamie                  That was the best scene.

Ray                  Thank you.

Jamie                  Did you guys do the actual dialogue?

Ray                  He knew every line. In fact I couldn't remember every line and he kept correcting me.

Jamie                  These people.  What did he look like?

Ray                  You know, forty, balding.

Jamie                  Where did you guys do it?

Ray                  In his classroom in Oakland.

Jamie                  He's a real teacher?

Ray                  Yep.

Jamie                  You did it in his real classroom?

Ray                  Well, it was nine o'clock at night.

Jamie                  How much did he give you?

Ray                  Two hundred.

Jamie                  Two hundred?