EXCERPTS: ALL SCRIPTS

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EXCERPTS:

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SCENE: HARRY AND SALLY


HARRY
See I think most of these guys are gay but they lie to you and tell you that they they're straight cause they know it will turn you on.

ISAAC
That's insane.

HARRY
No, it’s not. It’s the same thing you’re doing. You lie and tell them you’re a woman cause you know it turns them on....

ISAAC
I don’t tell them I'm a woman ...I tell them I'm a transsexual...

HARRY
Which is also a lie...because you are not a transsexual you’re a transvestite...

ISAAC
I’m not a transvestite. Transvestites are those guys who like dressing up like women...I don’t like dressing up I just do it to get straight cock...it’s a necessary evil...

HARRY
Well you’re not a transsexual...

ISAAC
And they aren't gay...

HARRY
I think they are...

ISAAC
No Harry. It’s something deeper...it’s a fourth sexuality...it’s a sexuality of loneliness...it’s like men in prison...they need sex so they make do...it’s like two male dogs cuddling on a couch to stay warm, they aren’t gay dogs or bisexual dogs they’re just lonely dogs who need affection.

HARRY
Isaac...sometimes I get very lonely and sometimes I get very horny but I would never ever fuck a woman or eat a pussy.

ISAAC
If you were on a remote island for 10 years and you had no sex and a woman washed ashore are you telling me you wouldn’t have sex with her?

HARRY
Fuck no. When I see vaginas I get physically ill. I’m sorry. I’m gay. People are either gay straight or bi.

ISAAC
Harry, there are men out there who fuck women and have children and suck cock and get fucked by transsexuals...

HARRY
Yeah and their called bisexuals.

ISAAC
They aren't bisexual...bisexuals are those people who go to renaissance fairs...just cause a man sucks a cock doesn't mean he’s gay or bisexual...if I eat a salad am I vegetarian? Can’t I be a democrat and vote for a republican every once in a while? These truckers from Mississippi and Tennessee...they aren't struggling with these issues....they have no problem with the ambiguities of sex....but people like you want everyone to be gay and go to gay pride parades and subscribe to the Advocate and protest Dr. Laura and Eminem. I’m sick of small-minded people like you. I want to marry a straight homophobic right wing red-neck who lets me suck his cock every night while we listen to Rush Limbaugh together.

HARRY
You know what I think? I think you hate being gay because gay men don’t want you anymore...because you’re aging, and bitter and angry and balding...so instead of being rejected by us gay, white, liberals you’re gonna reject us first. That’s what I think.

 

   
       
         
 

 

SCENE: SALLY(ISAAC IN DRAG) PULLS UP IN CAR


SALLY
Excuse me.

(Joshua is confused.)

SALLY
Excuse me. Do you know what time it is?

JOSHUA
Don’t you have a clock in your car?


SALLY
It’s not working...just come here.

JOSHUA
What?

SALLY
Just come here?

JOSHUA
What? What?

SALLY
Can I tell you a secret?

JOSHUA
What?

SALLY
You’re handsome.

JOSHUA
OK.

SALLY
Are you a Marine?

JOSHUA
Yeah.

SALLY
Wow, I never met a real Marine before. What’s your name?

JOSHUA
Sgt. Bilko.

SALLY
No it’s not. Tell me your name.

JOSHUA
G.I. Joe.

SALLY
Really? I use to have a G.I. Joe when I was younger. I took all his clothes off but he didn’t have a dick...it was very disappointing.

JOSHUA
Well, I don’t have that problem.

SALLY
I see. So really what’s your name?

JOSHUA
What’s your name?

SALLY
Sally.

JOSHUA
I’m Joshua.

SALLY
So, what’s going on?

JOSHUA
Are you a hooker?


SALLY
Oh my God? Do I look like a hooker?

JOSHUA
Sort of?

SALLY
Really? Wow. Thank you baby. But no, I’m not a hooker...I have a boring job. You know, you really are very handsome.

JOSHUA
Thanks, so are you.

SALLY
I’m handsome?

JOSHUA
No, I mean you’re...pretty. You are...you’re pretty.

SALLY
No, I’m not...I wish I was pretty but thank you for the compliment.

JOSHUA
You are pretty...you are...seriously...but what’s your story?

SALLY
What do you want to know...ask me anything.

JOSHUA
Are you a total woman?

SALLY
Not total...I’m in transition.

JOSHUA
What does that mean?

SALLY
I’m getting a sex change...does that freak you out? I’m just being honest.

JOSHUA
I’m cool...to each his own, right.

SALLY
Are you sure you’re okay?

JOSHUA
Why not...I mean if you like it. So you like men or women or both or what?

SALLY
I like handsome Marines.

JOSHUA
You know what USMC stands for?

SALLY
United States Marine Corps.

JOSHUA
No...Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children. Get it?

SALLY
Are you misguided.

JOSHUA
My mom thinks I am.

SALLY
Where’s your Mom.

JOSHUA
She’s back in Pheonix.

SALLY
She must be proud of you.

JOSHUA
Not really.

SALLY
Do you want to sit in my car?

JOSHUA
I don’t know.

SALLY
I won’t hurt you.

JOSHUA
OK...

(He gets in the car.)

JOSHUA
So what, you just meet guys and take ‘em in your car and do ‘em or what?

SALLY
It depends.

JOSHUA
On what?

SALLY
What they want.

JOSHUA
What do you want?

SALLY
I just like to suck cock.

JOSHUA
That’s all?

SALLY
You think I’m weird?

JOSHUA
Don’t you want a boyfriend?

SALLY
Oh no honey...life is too short to have a boyfriend...I had a boyfriend once...it was exhausting. Now I'm just a cocksucker.

JOSHUA
So how do you get off? I mean does it still work?

SALLY
Yeah...it works...

JOSHUA
So you don’t let them suck you?

SALLY
No way honey...gross...

JOSHUA
So how do you get off?

SALLY
I jack off later...after they’re gone and I think about how hot it was and I have amazing orgasms. Do you really want to know all this?

JOSHUA
Sure why not?

SALLY
So do you want a blowjob?

JOSHUA
Not really?

SALLY
You don’t?

JOSHUA
Maybe...I don’t know...I don’t think so...why don’t you give me your number and I'll call you.

SALLY
You won’t call me.

JOSHUA
Why won’t I?

SALLY
You will?

JOSHUA
Sure why not?

SALLY
OK here’s my number...I'm in L.A. but it’s only 90 minutes away.

JOSHUA
So you’d drive down just to see me?

SALLY
Of course.

JOSHUA
Even I don’t let you blow me.

SALLY
I don’t get to blow you?

JOSHUA
I don’t know Sally...I gotta go...I’ll call you..OK.

(He gets out of the car.)

JOSHUA
OK. I have your number.

SALLY
You better call me.

JOSHUA
Don’t worry...I'll see you later.

SALLY
Bye Sgt. Bilko.

JOSHUA
I’ll call you.

 

     
         
 

 

SCENE: BILL AND MONICA TALK ON PHONE

BILL
What are you doing?

MONICA
Thinking about you.

BILL
I’ve been thinking about you, too. Can you be free on Thursday?

MONICA
Of course.

BILL
OK...I’m gonna have Betty call you.

MONICA
I’ll keep the whole day open...and this time, you know what I want...

BILL
What do you want?

MONICA
I want to taste you. OK?

BILL
OK, you will.

MONICA
No, I mean your sperm...I want to taste your sperm.
(pause)
Are you there?

BILL
Don’t say sperm on the phone?